I remember one of the top ways to annoy me as a kid was to tell me "Well Sally, life's not fair."
It was really angering because it felt like they were telling me not to even TRY and make life fair. It felt so mopey and lazy and immoral, and so forth. Truely, a travesty they didn't care that I didn't get to go on the swings.
ANYWAY! But I finally had to admit, life isn't fair. Karma doesn't exist. Those who get hurt don't always get to see the comeuppings of those who hurt them. And those who have bad shit happen may never have it even out- and those who have great things happen may never have to experience anything too awful as a balance, etc. etc.
So. Life isn't fair, but I've gotten the upper end on that deal so often. The fact I was born into a pretty affluent society. The fact I was raised by loving parents and the fact I was born into the time I was, and not as some black person into a shitty area of detroit, etc. I've been very lucky. I have my health, I have my mental health. All members of my immediate family are living.
So yeah. I need to get over the feeling that those messed up people who only make my life worse need to learn a lesson. The fact is, life isn't fair, they'll probably never learn shit even if I tried to spoon feed them the message that they are kind of being awful. They'll have to want to learn or have the strength to. And I'm not the vigilante of moral character. People can be shitty assholes around me. They'll continue to get off not learning a thing and will probably keep doing what they do. We're big enough to take control over the person we are.
I feel like such an old cranky person, the way I value people's "character".
I feel confused about what actions I should take with most things I encounter.

shhhhhhhh
i am in class
writing a blog
sittin' next to josee'

older people don't think so much like formatting machines
apa frightens them
i automatically thought like a computer today
i copy paste reiterated when i ordered at gracies
I was like "hi, can I have thai chicken curry rice surprise" or something like that
and she was like. "bahhgh. you mean SOUP???"
and i felt very silly and robot like.

my mantra today is
"nothing is in your control, let go"
this does not mean i stop bathing
this means i don't squeeze every thought i have into a hardened pellet of "what, aaaargh?"
i like art
it's a lot of work
i would like to just work in the art studio all the time and not have midterms
although i also like learning about systems
i miss biology
there are so many complicated processes in EVERYTHAAAANG
especially cell biology

i want to do taxidermy
it's like totally gross but you'd learn so much about anatomy
you have to even make like fake plaster muscles and veins
josee' is watching me blog

so meta
blogging about blogging
i'm an idiot

let's hit josee' if we see her drink soda
let's hug her brain very gently when she looks sad
lo, it is important.

we're learning about introductions
this ridiculous guy who taught me english said it was like foreplay
he was very silly
it is all methodical and such.

i wish i had a pompadour
except maybe not
i want to go shopping
but i have too many thingies.

my poodle is sad
i don't like that i find him so fragile and clingy
i will raise my next poodle alone
he will have none of these neuroses
i will give him booties for the snow
he will be soft and chocolate coloured
and have yeller eyes
like the puppy momma sent away on a plane
QQ

I would like to make a magazine like cosmogirl
except it wouldn't suck balls
it'd be like nylon, except not just a huge ass list of buzz bands.

bye guys

josee' sez:
eat your vegetables
(it ironic)

sheepysheepysheepysheep

There are many here at my dad's They've been dewormed and such.
I shouldn't drink gin, Juniper berries used to flavor it create some depression.

sometimes i drink to get depressed, because being depressed makes me feel closer to you.

you could call that love, i think i call it stupidity.

i am hungry and my dad is whistling and i just went on a long walk with my sister through the woods and apple orchards near by. We talked about people's lame roommates, and how one's own roommates can be lame, I think it would be hilarious/ shitty to always call your roommates your buzzkills.
My pappy picked honey mushrooms, we are going to fry them and eat them, what what.
I am still so excited at the fact I am in the art program. HEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEE.
I look at my phone, hoping he texted, when he hasn't, I sigh relief. I think this means I'm actually getting over him to some degree, not just lying about it.
When I mope now, I think "you have all life to mope about this, don't even worry, there's cool stuff going on right now though" and sometimes that actually makes me get over it for a second.
This morning I woke up like, bleh. Then I thought "my brain drags my body around by a string". I think, it feels passionately. It's my brain though, beatin' up on my body when it doesn't always need to. My body shouldn't be a vessel for huge passing sensations all the time. It should also get to run around and eat more yummy food and sing and sleep and I think I should live life a little like a happy poodle.

sally hill is taking one day at a time
i would say i did very well today.

it's amazing to me how once i let someone in.. that intimacy stays. even with friendships. Skypes with bellingfriends are so warm and trusting. Sometimes I think it is a weakness how loyal my trust can be? but actually... i think i like that. i mean. i get so scared of being abandoned and having people break my trust/ turn out to be using me. but my trust is also a strength. i gain ties to places through it.
rrrramble

i made a spaghetti muffin cheese twirl.
i boiled spaghetti
i put it in a bowl with a shit ton of cheddar cheese (grated) and stilton and paprika and garlic powder and spinach and seared chicken chunks and pepper and cumin...
Then i heated the oven to 425 after putting my rack in the middle of the oven. then i baked my muffins for fifteen minutes. highly recommend, with lots o cheese and spinach. homnyom.

I really do have friends I can reach out to.

writing letters i don't mean to send
drinking kahlua and cream and coffee
smoking cigarettes. whai i do it.?
I like my photograms.
Making to do lists.
Listening to music that is safe, that I already love.
Tired often.
Suppressing urges to be cuddly a lot with friends.
I like how physical writing on a typewriter is.
My voice sounds so ugly when I scream.
I don't know if the roommates are comfortable around me now.
Focus. Focus on work. Focus on art, focus on friends. Focus on cooking, focus on making a home in myself. I've become less self conscious, it's like I just can't be damned to expend extra energy, or maybe because I'm a second year..?
lingerie gauze looks so good on photograms.
india ink and brush
i like... art. c:
Connect, Sally Hill. You is doing well.
Spend more time doing creative things if you have to waste time on the internet.
Sweaters soon
The leaves aren't falling off yet. I don't remember it being Fall for long here. The leaves get crushed in and snowed over, yes?
I miss the West coast physically.
I feel good here though.
Everywhere I go feels a little lonely.
Because what I love is so spread out.
I have to connect anyhow.
I'm going to enjoy everything I do, stupid or not...

just add water freeze dried smores

They don't taste like smores.
My mom came today in my tiny time slot between elements and my final. She brought a whole effing basket of freeze dried camping food in case i was about to starve to death, including tiny freeze dried backpacker deserts. These are my brother's leftovers from hiking the appalachian mountains. That's something I'd love to do. If I was to do it at the age he did it at, I'd hike the mountains next summer. Except I don't think I'd have any friends who'd be down for that and would follow through. Why does my brother have really adventurous friends? He went to LA with them on a road trip too around my age... they went to see Rage Against the Machine play that special rare show thing. With these smores, I put water over powdery brown powder covered pellets, then some graham cracker dust. Then it sat for 10 minutes. Weird pudding. I feel like I'm made out of weird pudding too, guys. Cause my mom also brought a shit ton of my dad's antiques. Too many for my room. Going to give lots of them to dad, maybe keep one or two things if he lets me. My mom's trying to avoid him getting his antiques because his step girlfriend might be entitled to them. I feel weird. I have my old house crammed in this room, sort of. My sister's looks super antiquey too.
I think I did pretty bad on my final. I felt pretty weird. I have another tomorrow in anthro. I missed some acoustic music. I don't feel like I'm anybody's rock right now. And I don't really feel like anybody's mine. Maybe this happens when I am too crumbly to be a rock and too crushing to have one. It kind of isn't very nice. I don't think people in this town tend to spill their hearts out as much as I sometimes want to spill. But I don't have many problems. I was an asshole to my mom because I had an hour to eat and move all my dad's shit into my room, etc. No excuse really...
I wish I was in second year. This feels so weird. I should be in second year. Except I was a wimp last year about mai dreams.
I have an exciting book to read called biomega. It has talking bears in spacesuits with hook hands and post apocalypic things. But first I have so much homework.
I was also reading Travels with Charley last weekend. It was pretty rad. I'd love to finish it.
I'm gonna miss summer, I didn't always treat it right.
I should have been drunk more.
I shouldn't have done school
I should have travelled more
I think maybe I travel too much
but I really like doing it
probably because it's all I did during the summer until recently.
This summer was the longest I stayed in one place: Sackville for two months.
It was nice too
I'm just wary of taking things too easy
I feel like I could somehow float in little bits away without the compression of a busy life
Jamie says I should only plan until around 23
That sounds good
Life in dorms means I have to seek people out more
Thas okay. I bet it'll be okay
I think something about me kills romance
that's weird
sometimes i feel so fluffy and romantic
i wish i was a cat maybe
except i like having hands
so i can draw
and yerk off
and eat freeze dried smores

The longer someone knows me, the more I'll drag them down with me. I try to have a happy, typical life, but my darkness eventually infects everything I touch. I'll never succeed for long because I am broken and sick and a bad person. I'll never do anything right.

-Sally Hill's hot thought.

Try to imagine being a cheery light person when you worry about that under many things you do.

I'ma try and be nice to myself.