Oh eh.
I wish I didn't lead myself into dead end thoughts.
Agonize, agonize, construct an argument against the already determined verdict. agonize. peace with the suckage. thought... agonize! argument... wait.. peace.peace... peace... oh shit I forgot to care about school because I kept myself in a peaceful place.
Schoolwork, schoolwork, hooray! applying myself! applying myself to agonizing thought? nooo! yes, it's time. agonize. no i need to do school! that's why i plugged my thoughts in! nope, agonize. quick, dramatic catty action that might make my agonizing go away. oh shit. more agonizing! shame about my character! take it out on schoolwork! schoolwork! now i'm really tired from my thoughts but i'm not done. bed.!

I always forget how centering it feels when you finish a delicious novel finally after everyone's gone to bed. I remember at my mother's when I finished Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murikami sometime this year and ended up crying and thinking and getting an interesting closure on various things I though I'd already felt closure about. Crazy!

I have a lot of experimenting to do with what feels right for me... in what I care about, in how I react and think and value things and see things... because a lot of presumptions about how things should be keep peeling off. I think I like it. But I keep finding myself humbled. Oh. I took it way too far, this way, or that way, I'm persisting or agonizing too much, I'm expecting too much out of myself, etc. etc. Baaaalance is hard and I don't think I'll ever get it just right because few things in life are that understandable and normalized and routine...?

Reading a novel really helps my attention span, too. It's such an indulgent thing, to be able to pursue an idea for so long- that someone has elaborated to that extent with that holistic nature and trust in the listener to keep listening. It makes me want to listen to more long, meaty stories that I can use to open my eyes to others, relate, learn, reassess...

It is also very important to have dance parties and drink too much sometimes.
It is also important not to be scared of silence
these are lessons i'm having pounce on me
it is also important not to use others like a diary.
this doesn't count cause it's blogger and like 4 people occasionally read it.
right????
never lost all my myspace exibitionism/ psychoanalytical lack of shame

If I blog while drunk
does that make me raw as shit
uncut 2 the core
no social niceties
don't even know what i'm LIKE
uh
okay so this is sally
and she is pissed she go to bed soon
and she rests her heacy head on her arm
and tomorrow will be full of tea and paint and making screen prints
reading would be nice too
i am bewildered by things to the point they're now almost unthinkable
grieving is the dumbest process i've ever encuntered
it doesn't seem to really eber get those seesout of my ycyles
i am covered in slime
i gollowed around girls who understand hat it's like to deal with this bullshit
i danced my ass off, it was aswersome.
i wish i could play mistress witch of mcclure on the ukelele
my sister said
sally you'll find as you get older
people follow a code less and less


it's so sad
we can't even remember what we got taught in kindergarten.

A new confession every day of the week

I am a control freak
you were the only thing I couldn't control myself around

I've viewed life as a trade to hone
I wish the world wasn't so random and I wish I really did have big lessons at the end of the day that held importance.

I remember one of the top ways to annoy me as a kid was to tell me "Well Sally, life's not fair."
It was really angering because it felt like they were telling me not to even TRY and make life fair. It felt so mopey and lazy and immoral, and so forth. Truely, a travesty they didn't care that I didn't get to go on the swings.
ANYWAY! But I finally had to admit, life isn't fair. Karma doesn't exist. Those who get hurt don't always get to see the comeuppings of those who hurt them. And those who have bad shit happen may never have it even out- and those who have great things happen may never have to experience anything too awful as a balance, etc. etc.
So. Life isn't fair, but I've gotten the upper end on that deal so often. The fact I was born into a pretty affluent society. The fact I was raised by loving parents and the fact I was born into the time I was, and not as some black person into a shitty area of detroit, etc. I've been very lucky. I have my health, I have my mental health. All members of my immediate family are living.
So yeah. I need to get over the feeling that those messed up people who only make my life worse need to learn a lesson. The fact is, life isn't fair, they'll probably never learn shit even if I tried to spoon feed them the message that they are kind of being awful. They'll have to want to learn or have the strength to. And I'm not the vigilante of moral character. People can be shitty assholes around me. They'll continue to get off not learning a thing and will probably keep doing what they do. We're big enough to take control over the person we are.
I feel like such an old cranky person, the way I value people's "character".
I feel confused about what actions I should take with most things I encounter.

shhhhhhhh
i am in class
writing a blog
sittin' next to josee'

older people don't think so much like formatting machines
apa frightens them
i automatically thought like a computer today
i copy paste reiterated when i ordered at gracies
I was like "hi, can I have thai chicken curry rice surprise" or something like that
and she was like. "bahhgh. you mean SOUP???"
and i felt very silly and robot like.

my mantra today is
"nothing is in your control, let go"
this does not mean i stop bathing
this means i don't squeeze every thought i have into a hardened pellet of "what, aaaargh?"
i like art
it's a lot of work
i would like to just work in the art studio all the time and not have midterms
although i also like learning about systems
i miss biology
there are so many complicated processes in EVERYTHAAAANG
especially cell biology

i want to do taxidermy
it's like totally gross but you'd learn so much about anatomy
you have to even make like fake plaster muscles and veins
josee' is watching me blog

so meta
blogging about blogging
i'm an idiot

let's hit josee' if we see her drink soda
let's hug her brain very gently when she looks sad
lo, it is important.

we're learning about introductions
this ridiculous guy who taught me english said it was like foreplay
he was very silly
it is all methodical and such.

i wish i had a pompadour
except maybe not
i want to go shopping
but i have too many thingies.

my poodle is sad
i don't like that i find him so fragile and clingy
i will raise my next poodle alone
he will have none of these neuroses
i will give him booties for the snow
he will be soft and chocolate coloured
and have yeller eyes
like the puppy momma sent away on a plane
QQ

I would like to make a magazine like cosmogirl
except it wouldn't suck balls
it'd be like nylon, except not just a huge ass list of buzz bands.

bye guys

josee' sez:
eat your vegetables
(it ironic)

sheepysheepysheepysheep

There are many here at my dad's They've been dewormed and such.
I shouldn't drink gin, Juniper berries used to flavor it create some depression.

sometimes i drink to get depressed, because being depressed makes me feel closer to you.

you could call that love, i think i call it stupidity.

i am hungry and my dad is whistling and i just went on a long walk with my sister through the woods and apple orchards near by. We talked about people's lame roommates, and how one's own roommates can be lame, I think it would be hilarious/ shitty to always call your roommates your buzzkills.
My pappy picked honey mushrooms, we are going to fry them and eat them, what what.
I am still so excited at the fact I am in the art program. HEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEE.
I look at my phone, hoping he texted, when he hasn't, I sigh relief. I think this means I'm actually getting over him to some degree, not just lying about it.
When I mope now, I think "you have all life to mope about this, don't even worry, there's cool stuff going on right now though" and sometimes that actually makes me get over it for a second.
This morning I woke up like, bleh. Then I thought "my brain drags my body around by a string". I think, it feels passionately. It's my brain though, beatin' up on my body when it doesn't always need to. My body shouldn't be a vessel for huge passing sensations all the time. It should also get to run around and eat more yummy food and sing and sleep and I think I should live life a little like a happy poodle.