brooooof

i'm getting less personal even when i do personal things with people/ talk about personal things.

it's like i'm not fully anywhere because i'm still thinking about things in the past.

i know i'm trying to recreate a good romance.

i feel like i'm trying to push my boundaries so i can feel like there's something that affects me enough to make me sure of it.

does that make sense?

apparently it's hard to understand me.

and awkward.

i'm playing.

i don't even care when i fuck up.

sometimes i look people in the eyes and smile except my smile is rubber and my eyes are still and i don't care. sometimes i keep my nose to the ground. sometimes i stutter when i talk and get really scared. sometimes i feel really angry at people i pass because there's no way i'll likely connect with many people here in a way that feels meaningful or sincere.

it's coming out of me, i know.

it's like... i'm always feeling like i'm just collecting people and i don't want to do that.
maybe i'm just used to my friends having vice grips on me with all my little worries i have for them. people i know here tend to behave themselves.

sometimes it seems tempting to be an insincere person. i don't do it because of another selfish reason- i don't want to numb myself more.

there was a time when it seemed like i was dating someone if i was with them.

i think. yeah.

sometimes i wish some high peaks of the past little while could lay low for a while so i could fully involve myself in what's happening now a little better.

the sun was really good today. well, okay first i learned i got into fine arts and that was awesome. then i got peanut butter and evaporated cane juice for a project. then i basked in the sun on the way back to the art building and thought, "my dad really is only a little bit away from here. i can talk to him whenever. i can see him whenever. where i live has family history nearby and the surroundings are alive and changing and i am part of it and i am not alone." and then i planned out a costume for a costume party, talked to jamie and got to work and listened to grizzly bear for the first time and they were great!
good day.

sometimes i just think about what image i put out and what i actually mean. and i wonder how often i tell the truth or really know how i feel and i wonder if i'm hard for other people to be around. usually i don't think so but sometimes i wonder if i'm inconsistent or if my enthusiasm seems half assed.

i don't know
this is a ramble
that is actually not that sad of a ramble.

though i've been having dreams that are really symbolic of my unenthusiasm for basic experiences in life.
and i'm having difficulty with handing my essays in in time. i revise revise revise! but i'm actually improving.

i just want to know i can be a good person. i've felt like a bad girlfriend and a bad lover and a bad friend and an unclear person. i dunno. i hope to be a consistent person who can show how much they want things to go well by actually making them go well? more unclear writing.

still rambling.
now i'm not!

i was so happy today. i skipped like a kid and was almost hyperventilating. i felt happy like i did when i was a kid. i like to know there are still those parts in me!

dress up tomorrowz.
my life is so hard. oh gosh. such subtle pain. guys. (makes me think of corinne)

OMAHGAHHHHHH i get to hang out with laura tomorrow
that is so cool

she has a magical wiggly brain