look i am writing a post

look i am writing a post oh mah god.
i am at my mom's house and never in my life have i gotten along with my mom this well.
i have a strange combination in me of fun and peace and this really scary panic and feeling of being alone!
like. i make real colourful zines and then they're really personal but also kind of jokes. oh well.
the other day i drew bigfoot looking intense mad with 3 dicks for danielle. and it said love bigfoot in cursive or something. maybe, thinking of you. i love trying to make funny things because so often i feel real heavy.
i go to class in the morning and have this panic in me. it's like acid. and it twists and i feel numb and like i need to jolt up and run somewhere or something but there's nothing to be done. exercise time????? i get so scared of my own fear. it scares me more than much else around me. insanity used to be my fear, now it's my fear. i'm so scared i'll slip into panic attacks. not really for my sake, but just because of how it changes my relationships. which i guess is worrying for my sake regardless. a lot of the reason i ever freak out is because i feel like no one wants me to or will stand beside me. both of those reasons, of why i freak out and why i'm scared are self feeding and neurotic and creepeh.
painting feels
sooooooooooooo good
so does colouring
so does writing
so does chalk pastels
making messes
i just
love it
mmmmmmmmmmmmmyah
i hope i am not someone who needs to constantly go to counselors.
my stomach is driving me crazy.
i wish i didn't worry about my family and past and suchforth as much as i do.
my weird desire to always be better in some way than i am makes me freak out.
i have given up better sexuality
i am trying to be more secure
how dumb
i am excited for bare feet
i really need to know if i have a job
I AM SO SCARED!!!!!!!
i am meeting so many people. HOLY POO!
i focus on myself too much! why do i always feel like i have lil problems? pooooooooooooo again
i need to focus on the friends i have now so i can really connect
what i care about is
art
family
real connections

roots roots roots
how wonderful <3
i want me some roots
i'd like to root someone else

i feel like i use boys i'm with as family members

wish i could forget about family

i'm like. all caught up in identity i guess in general.

colourz are pretty

i wish there were cherry blossoms here

the smell of some boys makes me feel CRAZY DRUGGED

brooooof

i'm getting less personal even when i do personal things with people/ talk about personal things.

it's like i'm not fully anywhere because i'm still thinking about things in the past.

i know i'm trying to recreate a good romance.

i feel like i'm trying to push my boundaries so i can feel like there's something that affects me enough to make me sure of it.

does that make sense?

apparently it's hard to understand me.

and awkward.

i'm playing.

i don't even care when i fuck up.

sometimes i look people in the eyes and smile except my smile is rubber and my eyes are still and i don't care. sometimes i keep my nose to the ground. sometimes i stutter when i talk and get really scared. sometimes i feel really angry at people i pass because there's no way i'll likely connect with many people here in a way that feels meaningful or sincere.

it's coming out of me, i know.

it's like... i'm always feeling like i'm just collecting people and i don't want to do that.
maybe i'm just used to my friends having vice grips on me with all my little worries i have for them. people i know here tend to behave themselves.

sometimes it seems tempting to be an insincere person. i don't do it because of another selfish reason- i don't want to numb myself more.

there was a time when it seemed like i was dating someone if i was with them.

i think. yeah.

sometimes i wish some high peaks of the past little while could lay low for a while so i could fully involve myself in what's happening now a little better.

the sun was really good today. well, okay first i learned i got into fine arts and that was awesome. then i got peanut butter and evaporated cane juice for a project. then i basked in the sun on the way back to the art building and thought, "my dad really is only a little bit away from here. i can talk to him whenever. i can see him whenever. where i live has family history nearby and the surroundings are alive and changing and i am part of it and i am not alone." and then i planned out a costume for a costume party, talked to jamie and got to work and listened to grizzly bear for the first time and they were great!
good day.

sometimes i just think about what image i put out and what i actually mean. and i wonder how often i tell the truth or really know how i feel and i wonder if i'm hard for other people to be around. usually i don't think so but sometimes i wonder if i'm inconsistent or if my enthusiasm seems half assed.

i don't know
this is a ramble
that is actually not that sad of a ramble.

though i've been having dreams that are really symbolic of my unenthusiasm for basic experiences in life.
and i'm having difficulty with handing my essays in in time. i revise revise revise! but i'm actually improving.

i just want to know i can be a good person. i've felt like a bad girlfriend and a bad lover and a bad friend and an unclear person. i dunno. i hope to be a consistent person who can show how much they want things to go well by actually making them go well? more unclear writing.

still rambling.
now i'm not!

i was so happy today. i skipped like a kid and was almost hyperventilating. i felt happy like i did when i was a kid. i like to know there are still those parts in me!

dress up tomorrowz.
my life is so hard. oh gosh. such subtle pain. guys. (makes me think of corinne)

OMAHGAHHHHHH i get to hang out with laura tomorrow
that is so cool

she has a magical wiggly brain