So, I decided to read an old diary to have a laugh, and I just felt sympathy instead. Whoa, I was heavier than I ever am now! My middle school diary was extra bizarre because I had an eating disorder budding and tried to sound cutesy like cosmogirl magazine type of vibe. Every morning had a sunshine symbol, and I'd just say crazy shit underneath. I definitely ripped it up. The practice of keeping a diary is so strange, well I guess... the way it evolves with age is strange. Initially in my Lisa Frank diary when I was a kid, I talked about my life and stuff I did on the surface. It got a little moodier, complaining about my parents occasionally and then bam!Psycho middle school diary. My high school diary is the most interesting because I can see myself getting more articulate and sensible. I keep a diary these days, but it's more spontaneous.
It's always hard with assigned sketchbooks with fine arts to keep my personal life out of them- it is my art and the like. They end up full of black marker blots and such when it's time to turn them in.
Identity and home seem to have been the biggest reasons I freaked out in all my old diaries. I feel more settled in that stuff now. It's interesting. I feel like the change just from 19 to 20 was big- maybe just because I decided it was big as is dictated by our technical definition of being a teenager from 13-19 and such.
Betty called me calm or something like that today, that was pretty cool. Felt like a champ. I know I'm not always composed though. The biggest reason I seem to spaz out is feeling like stuff is my fault. It is a new idea I'm entertaining that I can just drop it when I feel like things are my fault. I used to not be settled until I felt like I had fixed everything. The problem with putting so much more responsibility on myself than I need to to make things right and such is that I can develop resentment against people and avoid them because I get forced into favors. I'm working at saying no when I don't want to take people places or do them favors or whatever. It's nice. I like feeling like I don't always have to be the nicest person. The nicest people aren't always the happiest or healthiest. Not that being an ass is enlightening and grand or anything, but... I don't know. I'm realizing that there are many good times and places to be "selfish"- a word I was always terrified of being.