you are all champs.
might not know it
but ya' are.
you can do it
i know it's all shitty
but whatever
not really too shitty
and it'll make you strong
so believe in yourself
life already is abrasive sorta sometimes
so take care of yourselves
do what you have to do
YOUR DREAMS AND STUFF
don't worry
whatevs
stuff is okay
boy i am dumb
i should go to bed.
i got hives all on my neck and shoulders from kitties. ahhhh!
today i talked to a woman who is all up in the catholic community
and she listened
she was kind and polite
she even let me tell her abortion was complicated and weird
and was like "that okay, i know"
and i was like
gosh. maybe it is cool that there are homegrown communities of people who meet just to do good. just to try and help each other and do things right and support each other.
it was nice to not feel bullied or exiled by churchiness
but like they accepted crazy pondering and pain
and wouldn't engulf me
i think i'm going to do more charity things
blarg
ffff
will i be kk this summer
hope so
saw a pretty boy in the pawn shop
i wanted to skate by him
i wanted to go up to him and say he was pretty
he was hella rugged
except for his angular poochy lip face
GARRRRG HOTNESS
oh well.
i walked in the other direction instead
and took a long way home
so lame.
so many zits.
i'm gonna have money soon
i want to be BRAVE
SURE OF MYSELF
and stuff
i think
i like helping people
should i be a therapist
or get a BFA
or what
oh life
oh life stop being ambiguous
sometimes i want lots of babies.
AM I LIVING THE LIFE I COULD RIGHT NOW
no way to really tell
sometimes want to be a vegan/
love cheese so much
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
mmmf.
I have a lot of things to mull over.
So.
This summer's plans.
My original plan was:
Work at Tim's for May and June, then quit (even though I said I'd be there all summer to get the job, and thus won't get a reference)
Go to Kentucky for 4 days with my mom for a wedding.
Go to Washington for July and August. Hopefully work at the Comfort Inn. Pay for the lease back home and the lease in Bellingham simultaneously while also paying for food.
File two separate tax returns for two separate countries later...
Go back to Sackville for school and live in leased house again, hopefully working part time somewhere.
So.
Arg. Very confusing.
More things to consider:
Don't want to let down friends in Bellingham.
Would like some of my summer money left over for later things like food.
Could just go to Bellingham for like a week and still probably have a cooperative Tim Hortons. Then I'd be able to pay for the lease in Sackville and food etc in Bellingham. I wouldn't have to work and I would only have one tax return later.
But I don't want to let down friends in Bellingham...
I originally told people I'd be back right after my exams in April
Then I realized my mom can't afford that. I'm used to her having way too much money.
Now I'm worrying about school costs too. My aunt made a fund for us, since she has 3 nieces/ nephews and I'm one. But the value of the canadian dollar has risen so every year we get less when she converts it to pounds.
Egads.
I don't know what to do.
I need to ask her for the money now for correspondence courses.
So that I can try and get out in four years with a double major
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so I can go to grad school
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I can maybe not have a job anyway
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm not used to having responsibilities. Annoying truth! I'm not used to having my own jobs or budgeting or making sense. I used to just be praised because I wasn't having panic attacks and shit.
Now I have to do more than exist, which is fine, totally fine, I obviously want to have some sort of a path anyways
It's just hard. My sister did an undergrad in what she loved and just would call up when she needed more money
I can't do that now, I have to have a direction.
My brother figured this out so much earlier than me, why have I been so goon-ish for as long as I have? He's going to be a lawyer and things.
And my family always says he'll support them in old age and the girls.
WELL FUCK.
I'm not just some useless waif. I can make money... I don't know.
When other people pay for you, it doesn't feel like you own yourself.
I feel indebted. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to feel like I can control my own fate.
I feel like I need to constantly apologize for not having my shit more together.
Anyhow, so I'm definitely bummed I can't be in Bellingham for anything longer than a week to two weeks. I'm bummed I don't really have a way to kind of use that area as a base comfortably right now.
I guess in the end I just have to do what I have to do.
I just feel so often like I'm actively rejecting people in Bellingham when I'm not! I'm tired of having places I go back to with an apologetic affectation and try and connect but then have to leave before I can.
Meh.
If I had just lived in one area for my life, I wouldn't always feel weird like this. I also think I detach too easily when I move. Though I still miss Bellingham people and get reminded of them every day. I just feel like I'm spreading some bad detachment virus when I talk to people. Hm.
I wouldn't be who I am today either though.
And I am glad I moved, just because it helped me learn how to take care of myself and separate a little more from my family and reconnect with them in other ways.
I just wish I ever felt like I was making the right decision. There are always so many decisions I could make.
mmmmm
Life is unpredictable.
Last year my mom around this time was telling me that the cherry blossoms were still out in April and I could be back in time for them.
Now, nope.
I feel confused a lot.
I don't know.
I think it would be best for me if I just stayed here financially.
I think I'll have fun... I just also think I'll feel lonely and a little directionless.
I don't know. Anywhere I go this summer, it's not totally home. ow.
I should stop worrying so much.
I just think about how my actions relate to larger trends I've seen in my actions and then I start overanalyzing.
I miss Bellingham's love. I miss all of the people I love and the nature. It felt like a family. Everyone had been through some weird stuff and the bonds I had were so intense. It was like, we really needed each other. And I really do need people I think still. More than I should, almost in a family-like manner.
Mumble mumble.
Will think about this more later.
So.
This summer's plans.
My original plan was:
Work at Tim's for May and June, then quit (even though I said I'd be there all summer to get the job, and thus won't get a reference)
Go to Kentucky for 4 days with my mom for a wedding.
Go to Washington for July and August. Hopefully work at the Comfort Inn. Pay for the lease back home and the lease in Bellingham simultaneously while also paying for food.
File two separate tax returns for two separate countries later...
Go back to Sackville for school and live in leased house again, hopefully working part time somewhere.
So.
Arg. Very confusing.
More things to consider:
Don't want to let down friends in Bellingham.
Would like some of my summer money left over for later things like food.
Could just go to Bellingham for like a week and still probably have a cooperative Tim Hortons. Then I'd be able to pay for the lease in Sackville and food etc in Bellingham. I wouldn't have to work and I would only have one tax return later.
But I don't want to let down friends in Bellingham...
I originally told people I'd be back right after my exams in April
Then I realized my mom can't afford that. I'm used to her having way too much money.
Now I'm worrying about school costs too. My aunt made a fund for us, since she has 3 nieces/ nephews and I'm one. But the value of the canadian dollar has risen so every year we get less when she converts it to pounds.
Egads.
I don't know what to do.
I need to ask her for the money now for correspondence courses.
So that I can try and get out in four years with a double major
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so I can go to grad school
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I can maybe not have a job anyway
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm not used to having responsibilities. Annoying truth! I'm not used to having my own jobs or budgeting or making sense. I used to just be praised because I wasn't having panic attacks and shit.
Now I have to do more than exist, which is fine, totally fine, I obviously want to have some sort of a path anyways
It's just hard. My sister did an undergrad in what she loved and just would call up when she needed more money
I can't do that now, I have to have a direction.
My brother figured this out so much earlier than me, why have I been so goon-ish for as long as I have? He's going to be a lawyer and things.
And my family always says he'll support them in old age and the girls.
WELL FUCK.
I'm not just some useless waif. I can make money... I don't know.
When other people pay for you, it doesn't feel like you own yourself.
I feel indebted. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to feel like I can control my own fate.
I feel like I need to constantly apologize for not having my shit more together.
Anyhow, so I'm definitely bummed I can't be in Bellingham for anything longer than a week to two weeks. I'm bummed I don't really have a way to kind of use that area as a base comfortably right now.
I guess in the end I just have to do what I have to do.
I just feel so often like I'm actively rejecting people in Bellingham when I'm not! I'm tired of having places I go back to with an apologetic affectation and try and connect but then have to leave before I can.
Meh.
If I had just lived in one area for my life, I wouldn't always feel weird like this. I also think I detach too easily when I move. Though I still miss Bellingham people and get reminded of them every day. I just feel like I'm spreading some bad detachment virus when I talk to people. Hm.
I wouldn't be who I am today either though.
And I am glad I moved, just because it helped me learn how to take care of myself and separate a little more from my family and reconnect with them in other ways.
I just wish I ever felt like I was making the right decision. There are always so many decisions I could make.
mmmmm
Life is unpredictable.
Last year my mom around this time was telling me that the cherry blossoms were still out in April and I could be back in time for them.
Now, nope.
I feel confused a lot.
I don't know.
I think it would be best for me if I just stayed here financially.
I think I'll have fun... I just also think I'll feel lonely and a little directionless.
I don't know. Anywhere I go this summer, it's not totally home. ow.
I should stop worrying so much.
I just think about how my actions relate to larger trends I've seen in my actions and then I start overanalyzing.
I miss Bellingham's love. I miss all of the people I love and the nature. It felt like a family. Everyone had been through some weird stuff and the bonds I had were so intense. It was like, we really needed each other. And I really do need people I think still. More than I should, almost in a family-like manner.
Mumble mumble.
Will think about this more later.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
This is me writing a blog in a good mood.
Stuff is not ruined guys.
Stuff is not that bad at all.
There is lots of hope and summer inside of everything
and we can dance!
it's getting dark. i should have done more work.
i got a d on my long paper. fuck. very disappointed.
oh well.
i think i did okay today on that final...
here is a good playlist!
http://negativepleasure.tumblr.com/post/521303014/suicidewatch-summer-is-on-the-way-1-the-go
I'm going to go work at the studio and play this playlist.
And maybe make some tea in a thermos.
and i will listen to this playlist! very good times.
if i was to have an ideal night
all of us would bundle up and have a picnic of wine and chocolate and bread on some forest outside and we'd make a fire and party and talk and dance and eat and get drunk and roll around and eat more chocolate and possibly roll into the fire. oops.
i miss saturday morning cartoons
I have to go find emma. I forgot.
Boy I hope I don't lose this scholarship this year.
I hope that I get a job at tim hortons and that I don't have plane ticket prices go up before next tuesday and i hope that i get the comfort inn job in bellingham and a job at ducky's when school starts up and i hope i get exactly a 3.7 and get to keep my scholarship and that my correspondence course plan happens this summer and that i can party down and possibly make out with this one weird guy. and then i hope i get really tan and learn how to skateboard well and start running again and figure out how to get out of school in 4 years.
whatevs.
no big deal
good times are good
Stuff is not that bad at all.
There is lots of hope and summer inside of everything
and we can dance!
it's getting dark. i should have done more work.
i got a d on my long paper. fuck. very disappointed.
oh well.
i think i did okay today on that final...
here is a good playlist!
http://negativepleasure.tumblr.com/post/521303014/suicidewatch-summer-is-on-the-way-1-the-go
I'm going to go work at the studio and play this playlist.
And maybe make some tea in a thermos.
and i will listen to this playlist! very good times.
if i was to have an ideal night
all of us would bundle up and have a picnic of wine and chocolate and bread on some forest outside and we'd make a fire and party and talk and dance and eat and get drunk and roll around and eat more chocolate and possibly roll into the fire. oops.
i miss saturday morning cartoons
I have to go find emma. I forgot.
Boy I hope I don't lose this scholarship this year.
I hope that I get a job at tim hortons and that I don't have plane ticket prices go up before next tuesday and i hope that i get the comfort inn job in bellingham and a job at ducky's when school starts up and i hope i get exactly a 3.7 and get to keep my scholarship and that my correspondence course plan happens this summer and that i can party down and possibly make out with this one weird guy. and then i hope i get really tan and learn how to skateboard well and start running again and figure out how to get out of school in 4 years.
whatevs.
no big deal
good times are good
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
ugggggggggggg
fun fact:
i have pent up anger. it comes out in really retarded ways. i don't like being someone who spreads shittiness, so i try and keep it in. then as a result, i glare at the floor when strangers are near me sometimes or i do stupid shit like pounding on josee's roommate's door and ripping off the note she put there and waking up them inside and as a result, actually probably more messing with josee than them.
Urg.
i am so childish.
i feel really destructive in certain parts of me
I try and find ways to channel that energy usually.
a lot of my diary i actually keep physically is anger and frustration and anxiety
because those are things i try and keep in check
i'm trying to not be an asshole but i am naturally compelled to be one.
things written on my growing stomach right now:
- destructive
- deceptive
- blind
- dramatic
- scaredy cat (i am so mature...)
- irritating
- lethargic
- careless
- idiot
- angry fool
- whiny
- fucked
- self indugent
- self obsessed
- childish
- selfish
- bottled
ug. bottled anger for family members i've loved, anyone i've dated etc.
usually not friends.
i'm just.
neh. it's like a combination of a defense mechanism for pain
and a random venting of bottled up childish whines of "whywhywhy?" about random shit i can't even think of clearly at the moment, cause it's usually so random and old and irrelevant.
i walk sometimes like i want to hurt people. it's dumb.
i crash open doors
i yell dramatic stuff
i mutter hopeless things at good friends who don't need it
i curl up and ask for help from people i'll later have to turn away from to preserve myself
i am tired of me usually.
fun bloggggggggggggg
want to behave myself.
arg i am so retarded.
i have pent up anger. it comes out in really retarded ways. i don't like being someone who spreads shittiness, so i try and keep it in. then as a result, i glare at the floor when strangers are near me sometimes or i do stupid shit like pounding on josee's roommate's door and ripping off the note she put there and waking up them inside and as a result, actually probably more messing with josee than them.
Urg.
i am so childish.
i feel really destructive in certain parts of me
I try and find ways to channel that energy usually.
a lot of my diary i actually keep physically is anger and frustration and anxiety
because those are things i try and keep in check
i'm trying to not be an asshole but i am naturally compelled to be one.
things written on my growing stomach right now:
- destructive
- deceptive
- blind
- dramatic
- scaredy cat (i am so mature...)
- irritating
- lethargic
- careless
- idiot
- angry fool
- whiny
- fucked
- self indugent
- self obsessed
- childish
- selfish
- bottled
ug. bottled anger for family members i've loved, anyone i've dated etc.
usually not friends.
i'm just.
neh. it's like a combination of a defense mechanism for pain
and a random venting of bottled up childish whines of "whywhywhy?" about random shit i can't even think of clearly at the moment, cause it's usually so random and old and irrelevant.
i walk sometimes like i want to hurt people. it's dumb.
i crash open doors
i yell dramatic stuff
i mutter hopeless things at good friends who don't need it
i curl up and ask for help from people i'll later have to turn away from to preserve myself
i am tired of me usually.
fun bloggggggggggggg
want to behave myself.
arg i am so retarded.
Monday, April 12, 2010
my views on bein a single lady
So I am a single lady
MANY REASONS FOR THIS
include:
- scared of other people getting hurt by me
because everyone is very fragile and i might need to cut things off because it's getting to intense and they'll be sincere and not jaded and thus somehow i will make them jaded
- scared of someone else controlling me
not doing things because i want to but because i'm scared of someone else's emotional potential or want to be a good girlfriend or like them so much i stop being a person
- might affect my schoolwork
brain will turn into mush and i will end up getting addicted to the person or having my priorities change to the point where i only care about their smell or thinking about their bed etc.
- afraid of STDS
my momma trained me good.
basically i don't want them, they'll make me infertile and itchy and possibly dead. and no one gets tested, and everyone doesn't care and you can't test guys for a lot of random stuff
- don't really find anyone in Sackville particularly compelling.
for some reason no one here makes me feel nervous or excited or anything. i feel like i'm pushing it a little.
- scared of getting hurt myself
funny how i'm still scared from the months i lost like 2 years ago
- scared of losing my independence
i worked hard for my mental independence
- don't really like sex as much as i should
don't want to disappoint others/ be disappointed/ seem to go for awkward conservative guys in this regard and I'm also awkward/conservative. i don't have to focus on the fact i might be bad at sex permanently if i'm just not having it
- might lose the person as a friend
people can just shut off relationships in ways that friendships usually don't
- i'm too weird for anyone who would be good for me
yeah this one doesn't make sense
- if i stop trying, i win because i can't get any more frustrated
also doesn't make sense
- i can have more of a life this way
it's been a while since i felt like i SEIZED life or got inspired from being with a guy. it's been a while since i've sort of seen a guy as a role model. so i don't know. i usually feel like i'll just get more confused
- i don't really see there being a lot of fun involved
like what will i learn or what adventures will we have or where will we go etc. because i do that stuff on my own and usually with a guy end up nesting in some gross bed far too often also cutting out their contact with the world
- no one here terrifies me/fascinates me/ i don't get the urge to fix people as much anymore
this is probably good
- i have to change my taste in men but that would involve forcing which doesn't work, it has to happen naturally.
so i wait
- i am too cynical
i will just make the other person more cynical and be THAT girlfriend
blah
blah blah blah
a relationship where both of us really are attached to the other person sounds consuming and scary and like the end of life's essence in us
and shouldn't it do the opposite and spark life essence?
- romance is dead
basically
- people are insincere
including me
- i very easily stop seeing guys like people when i like them to somehow protect myself
- i can't be damned to try
- my emotions are more accessible and malleable and weak and bleedy everywhere- they're less tamable and i lose dignity or sense
- i have more friends without a boyfriend
- i don't want to be reminded of everything i lost again, everything i can't have now i'm not as trusting
booooooooooop
let's explain what i just said:
(that one's not actually relevant.)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW
i want to succeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
AHAHA
cause i'm a tosserrrrrr
prime asshattery
no wait, it's mostly me...
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
mrah
those who are crap in bed/ hip young things should gain 5 lbs and stop being afraid to get ffffffffffffffreaky.
basically i guess?
want GOOD coffee
want to study better
no more hunching over internet!
oops but i ammmmmmmmmmmm
fart fart
it is so pretty out
we all need to lay in the grass together and SMELLLLLLLLLLLL the awesome earthy growing smells.
more dance parties
less technology
more biking
more roasting sausages over open fires
more seaweed salad
more grape soda
very good business.
more affectionate dogs
sangria
calloused feets
woo woo
where the creepy boys @
D:
basically i guess?
want GOOD coffee
want to study better
no more hunching over internet!
oops but i ammmmmmmmmmmm
fart fart
it is so pretty out
we all need to lay in the grass together and SMELLLLLLLLLLLL the awesome earthy growing smells.
more dance parties
less technology
more biking
more roasting sausages over open fires
more seaweed salad
more grape soda
very good business.
more affectionate dogs
sangria
calloused feets
woo woo
where the creepy boys @
D:
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I had a few different viewpoints of women's liberation when I was younger. I feel like listing random shit off.
I remember seeing a nude mag in a gas stop in Kentucky when I was in first grade or primary at oldest. It was one of those ones with fake tits and cowboy hats and a flannel shirt with one button and bra ETC. The reason I describe those details was because I felt such an aspiration to be as pretty as her. I went home and found a flannel shirt and did one button, got a hat and everything and then realized for the first time I didn't have boobs. haha. But I wanted to be a special as she seemed.
I remember as well when our nun principal sister Kathy would come into the room asking for some strong boys to help her lift things, when my mother had told me females tended to have better developed strength in fourth grade.
I remember in second grade hearing a friend named Houston and another friend named Doug talking together about watching some show where women ripped their shirts off and shit, and they were really excited. And I wondered why a fully grown adult woman would entertain anyone, even a small child, on the television by exposing herself. Why, I guess, she felt she had to do that. And that was the first time I think I was scared of boys.
I remember really believing in spice girls and thinking what made them so special was that they wouldn't be nice and quiet for anyone- they were always breaking down respect that is held for upper class etc. I didn't really catch the whole constant nips and constant unnecessary petting of strangers, haha. I just thought is was amazing how fearless they were, how they treated everything they met like a toy. And then bein' all pissed when people went for N*Sync after, feeling like they were traitors of our gender. >.< At a spice girls show I saw (!!!), I encountered my first transvestite that was obvious, an adult male dressing as baby spice. What it showed me was that some people WANT to be women and that there is an inherent benefit in being female that was separate of male benefits.
I remember some priest teasing and chiding me in third grade for not wanting to get married.
I remember loving gwen stefani in third grade for being this dress up queen who didn't try and make her voice conventionally pretty in any form, finding her power in yelps and fucked vibratos! Hooray.
I remember watching Wrong Way by Sublime's video on repeat in third grade, watching how some 12 year old could be made into such a target for the others around her because of the fact she was a woman, leering clown dads w/ stogies, horny brothers, prostitution, never okay even after away from the crap.
I remember I used to tell people I wanted to be a belly dancer in first grade and i'd lift up my shirt and wiggle my belly and say it was my aspiration when I grew up. Then we went to Disney World and saw a belly dancer and I was sad and disgusted. She wasn't belly dancing in some performance atmosphere but over people's meat with docile eyes, simply there to be whatever the audience of the restaurant wanted to leer at. So no more belly dancing aspirations.
I remember beauty pageants
and girl scouts gettin' their hair did
and fundamentalist brothers and sisters playing house by having the male direct the caring woman
and one of my girl scout leaders believing women shouldn't vote since they might just choose bill clinton cause he's hotter
and prepubescent girls doing those weird chair humpy dances to britney spears
and telling people my natural home was the woods
Apparently when I was four I did a strip tease for my brother's little soccer team because I wanted attention or something.
Apparently I was insanely crazy.
Female liberation when I was a child was more of a reaction against everyone wanting me to be sweet while the boys were boys. I wanted to freak even the boys out, be a confident wild thing and have any admiration come instead from respect for my crazyness. haha
I remember regretting that in kindergarten I didn't have fangs and a gothy school girl outfit. OHhohohohoho nineties.
I remember feeling superior to the tiny sixth grade girls doing cheers on the parking lot during recess because in kindergarten I could go hoist them up in the air.
I went to an all girls summer camp and never experienced more bizarre festering psychological cases
at the summer camp, we had a day with a dance that involved the all boys camp. the day of, classes were cancelled and girls shaved and styled and dressed and sang ridiculous songs solely for the boys and painted and such
I remember being pissed the boy camp had water slides and they could run around in bare feet.
I remember freaking out when I was in first or second grade because my voice teacher was leaving and came around with presents- she gave me an angel decorated box with mirrors inside and her husband gave my brother a huge bag of cinnamon gum and a tennis ball in a panty hose and my brother got to be physically active and I was left with this useless relic of old time ladylike behaviour and I freaked out because of the injustice. whoooooops spoiled
I also really liked sunflower dresses. I just think I would have really dug some leopard print spandex and sparkly unisuits.
I had blue suede shoes and would try and sing elvis.
I remember crying in third grade because I started realizing the pressure there was to follow a passive domestic lifestyle. I was slouched on some couch and started crying at my mom. Something like, "I hate being a girl. What am I supposed to do. I'm just supposed to lay around and have sex and then have babies and die." and I pictured being the queen ant of some hive and how horrible that role is, being the sacrifice.
And I would try and be a "skate rat"
aaaaaaaand
then there was all that avril lavigne hubub.
Anyhowwww.
I remember in seventh grade, my parents started trying to suggest female vocalists for me to listen to. And I started getting really mad and told my parents I wouldn't pretend to respect women because they hadn't given me a reason to respect them. They hadn't fought hard enough, and if I didn't listen to their music it was their fault since they hadn't tried hard enough and had enough talent to entice me. I didn't want to baby women because I felt like they got babied all of the time and all it had done was cripple their abilities and motivation. I had a lot of hate for women for letting everything that had happened to them happen to them. Why would they take the easy route out and choose so little claim to everything I saw every day? I wanted women to prove themselves to me, and I myself did not feel like I wanted to be a woman if I had to be with all of these women who had given up or been so weak. I felt disappointed.
I carried that sentiment for a long time.
How many women vs. men told you your place as a child?
I don't know about you, but my dad made me feel like a superhero
and my mother wanted to,
but really she just told us about her weight watchers regimen
and how she used to be skinny like us
and the underlying statement was that she was worth less now.
and that we could be worth less based on the physical state of our bodies
our bodies felt instead like they were the society's to judge and determine was is best for.
it's so easy to become disconnected and resentful of the body.
any, how.
I was mostly raised by women at school, punishing my boisterous behaviour, finding the boy's boisterous behaviour more cute.
christian elementary school female teachers can be amazing
or a little misleading
the ones at our school were always pregnant
they were sweet, but you could see the difference in some of their behaviours if they were talking to your mother or father. the respect they would give my father, acting like little girls themselves.
I never felt like that was my dad's fault
I felt like it was my teacher's fault for deciding to do that.
But it's not always a decision
and it took me a while to realize that men don't always get a decision either in this weird cycle we are conditioned into.
and i know all of this is vague and fragmented
I feel like I'm just trying to, even now resolve my anger with women. I have anger with the emotion unpredictability I have linked women to. I have anger with their tactics they use to help oppress each other. I have anger with their taught aversion to adventure. I have anger with the passivity I was taught the women's sexual role in. I have anger with girls playing dumb, or coo-ing their voices, though I find myself doing that a lot.
I do these things.
I can be emotionally unpredictable, to say the least. I can be tactic yet illogical, I can be afraid of taking control of my life path let alone others, I can play dumb and make my voice high and pleasant.
My mom also encouraged mistrust of femininity.
She would tell us how estrogen rotted her brain, making her overemotional since her first child in a way she had never been. She respected her emotion's validities very little if she ever linked them to estrogen, pms, etc. She got us on pills so we couldn't ovulate so we couldn't perpetuate falseness through our femininity. We were free of emotional tears and those moments when introspective behaviours begged for our attention. We were free of desire and unbased ecstacy during ovulation. We would have less pimples and bigger boobs and be prettier and more real.
But how often do neurochemical predispositions affect everyone? People will have their own mood swings from sunlight, from sugar, from temperature, from stress, from anything really.
But I ended up feeling like my emotions were invalid since I was a woman. This made me sensitive, susceptible.
Recently in the car, my mother talked about the good old days again of having the brain of a man when she was younger.
So here is the deal. What if I don't think desire and mood swings are wrong? Why do I have more blame in irresponsible decisions than my brother might?
There are so many things I want to reclaim of being female
I want to reclaim the right to desire, to be an idiot and not feel like I've let down my gender race, to be emotional, to be obnoxious, to love children, to deny people, to deny people, to deny people, to not seek approval in all choices i make, to smile and be a ditz or to sulk and scowl or to be blank. i want to only worry about health and not weight. i want to not have more fear of men than i do of women. i want to continue to act the way i was with a child or fellow female or male if a male enters a room. i don't want to feel like it is my fault if people do or don't like me romantically or feel attracted to me. expressing my sexuality is not always being a tease. i can change my mind, i'm not a mother giving out candy, i'm another pair of eyes and another mind in the room. i want to be able to stand in a kitchen with bare feet and a pregnant tummy and talk about gardening and cooking and child rearing, or go into that other room with the smoking pipes and talk about literature.
my mother never was welcome in that situation i just mentioned, where she was not doing the primary child rearing and did not have a cock. what use was a gynecologist with vigor and tears and strong opinions and ambitions and arrogance and sweetness? what gender does my mother fill?
my dad would make me a costume for a play and the other women of the school would tightly smile and ask if my mom had made it
they respected my mother as they respected a male
but they thought she knew better than her male doctor counterparts in terms of social politics within the hospital, community, etc.
my mom would plumb and my dad would cook
my dad would sit at the head of the table
my mom would decide where we lived
and my dad would sulk and appear castrated.
gender made for role confusion so often when applied to the realities of my two individual parents and the context of our individual situation.
my interest in any female voice other than avril lavigne started in seventh grade with the yeah yeah yeah's master EP and stair step exercise exercises with my sister. the sensual wild yelps were so confident and RIGHT! hoorah!
but i wouldn't tell boys at my school that- i would only listen to ACDC or led zeppelin or dr. dre at school so i'd appear hardcoar
i think tori amos followed because of my interest in NIN
and then.. metric and such and now I don't really worry about listening to female music but it's more than I would have expected upon further study.
one thing that's cool about old time stories like the wizard of oz is the female protagonist
or the madelyn l'engele series did insane spiritual journeys with a mopey girl named meg.
books really are so cool when you're a kid
i remember realizing the violence forced upon boys, and how they're exiled too for not complying to gender expectations with that Wringer book, where he has to wring pidgeon's necks for the community traditional celebration and has hidden a pidgeon friend in his room.
i hid from ever considering males as real approachable people again for a while until i read a book i originally had thought was from a female's perspective- tricked! he felt guilt if he made girls uncomfortable by not controlling himself, he was also hiding ways he was freaking out and could get his heart broken. egads!
i think the first time i had a guy friend i was comfortable around and not manipulated by all the time was probs erik
isn't it cool
how in a few years
or even months
suddenly i have male friends
and don't consider every interaction with a male some underlying sexual attempt
or i like that now i will admit to wanting children
or get trashed and pee on things
and the balance is so good
i think about feminism a lot
and i think the disappointment i felt as a kid with women was just because i knew how strong the women around me were. i knew they had crazy awesome potential and was just confused as to why they weren't listened to with as much respect when they spoke or felt they had less chance of success with things that didn't involve female charms. And I think i actually thought girls were really competent and were just being lazy.
It's nice to see now
all of the vigor and attempt and strength in fellow ladieezzzz
and the amount of respectful males there are in this town
and those who are just themselves
whatever gender those actions are given
just chooses what they wish.
that's wonderful
/huge ramble with no point
I remember seeing a nude mag in a gas stop in Kentucky when I was in first grade or primary at oldest. It was one of those ones with fake tits and cowboy hats and a flannel shirt with one button and bra ETC. The reason I describe those details was because I felt such an aspiration to be as pretty as her. I went home and found a flannel shirt and did one button, got a hat and everything and then realized for the first time I didn't have boobs. haha. But I wanted to be a special as she seemed.
I remember as well when our nun principal sister Kathy would come into the room asking for some strong boys to help her lift things, when my mother had told me females tended to have better developed strength in fourth grade.
I remember in second grade hearing a friend named Houston and another friend named Doug talking together about watching some show where women ripped their shirts off and shit, and they were really excited. And I wondered why a fully grown adult woman would entertain anyone, even a small child, on the television by exposing herself. Why, I guess, she felt she had to do that. And that was the first time I think I was scared of boys.
I remember really believing in spice girls and thinking what made them so special was that they wouldn't be nice and quiet for anyone- they were always breaking down respect that is held for upper class etc. I didn't really catch the whole constant nips and constant unnecessary petting of strangers, haha. I just thought is was amazing how fearless they were, how they treated everything they met like a toy. And then bein' all pissed when people went for N*Sync after, feeling like they were traitors of our gender. >.< At a spice girls show I saw (!!!), I encountered my first transvestite that was obvious, an adult male dressing as baby spice. What it showed me was that some people WANT to be women and that there is an inherent benefit in being female that was separate of male benefits.
I remember some priest teasing and chiding me in third grade for not wanting to get married.
I remember loving gwen stefani in third grade for being this dress up queen who didn't try and make her voice conventionally pretty in any form, finding her power in yelps and fucked vibratos! Hooray.
I remember watching Wrong Way by Sublime's video on repeat in third grade, watching how some 12 year old could be made into such a target for the others around her because of the fact she was a woman, leering clown dads w/ stogies, horny brothers, prostitution, never okay even after away from the crap.
I remember I used to tell people I wanted to be a belly dancer in first grade and i'd lift up my shirt and wiggle my belly and say it was my aspiration when I grew up. Then we went to Disney World and saw a belly dancer and I was sad and disgusted. She wasn't belly dancing in some performance atmosphere but over people's meat with docile eyes, simply there to be whatever the audience of the restaurant wanted to leer at. So no more belly dancing aspirations.
I remember beauty pageants
and girl scouts gettin' their hair did
and fundamentalist brothers and sisters playing house by having the male direct the caring woman
and one of my girl scout leaders believing women shouldn't vote since they might just choose bill clinton cause he's hotter
and prepubescent girls doing those weird chair humpy dances to britney spears
and telling people my natural home was the woods
Apparently when I was four I did a strip tease for my brother's little soccer team because I wanted attention or something.
Apparently I was insanely crazy.
Female liberation when I was a child was more of a reaction against everyone wanting me to be sweet while the boys were boys. I wanted to freak even the boys out, be a confident wild thing and have any admiration come instead from respect for my crazyness. haha
I remember regretting that in kindergarten I didn't have fangs and a gothy school girl outfit. OHhohohohoho nineties.
I remember feeling superior to the tiny sixth grade girls doing cheers on the parking lot during recess because in kindergarten I could go hoist them up in the air.
I went to an all girls summer camp and never experienced more bizarre festering psychological cases
at the summer camp, we had a day with a dance that involved the all boys camp. the day of, classes were cancelled and girls shaved and styled and dressed and sang ridiculous songs solely for the boys and painted and such
I remember being pissed the boy camp had water slides and they could run around in bare feet.
I remember freaking out when I was in first or second grade because my voice teacher was leaving and came around with presents- she gave me an angel decorated box with mirrors inside and her husband gave my brother a huge bag of cinnamon gum and a tennis ball in a panty hose and my brother got to be physically active and I was left with this useless relic of old time ladylike behaviour and I freaked out because of the injustice. whoooooops spoiled
I also really liked sunflower dresses. I just think I would have really dug some leopard print spandex and sparkly unisuits.
I had blue suede shoes and would try and sing elvis.
I remember crying in third grade because I started realizing the pressure there was to follow a passive domestic lifestyle. I was slouched on some couch and started crying at my mom. Something like, "I hate being a girl. What am I supposed to do. I'm just supposed to lay around and have sex and then have babies and die." and I pictured being the queen ant of some hive and how horrible that role is, being the sacrifice.
And I would try and be a "skate rat"
aaaaaaaand
then there was all that avril lavigne hubub.
Anyhowwww.
I remember in seventh grade, my parents started trying to suggest female vocalists for me to listen to. And I started getting really mad and told my parents I wouldn't pretend to respect women because they hadn't given me a reason to respect them. They hadn't fought hard enough, and if I didn't listen to their music it was their fault since they hadn't tried hard enough and had enough talent to entice me. I didn't want to baby women because I felt like they got babied all of the time and all it had done was cripple their abilities and motivation. I had a lot of hate for women for letting everything that had happened to them happen to them. Why would they take the easy route out and choose so little claim to everything I saw every day? I wanted women to prove themselves to me, and I myself did not feel like I wanted to be a woman if I had to be with all of these women who had given up or been so weak. I felt disappointed.
I carried that sentiment for a long time.
How many women vs. men told you your place as a child?
I don't know about you, but my dad made me feel like a superhero
and my mother wanted to,
but really she just told us about her weight watchers regimen
and how she used to be skinny like us
and the underlying statement was that she was worth less now.
and that we could be worth less based on the physical state of our bodies
our bodies felt instead like they were the society's to judge and determine was is best for.
it's so easy to become disconnected and resentful of the body.
any, how.
I was mostly raised by women at school, punishing my boisterous behaviour, finding the boy's boisterous behaviour more cute.
christian elementary school female teachers can be amazing
or a little misleading
the ones at our school were always pregnant
they were sweet, but you could see the difference in some of their behaviours if they were talking to your mother or father. the respect they would give my father, acting like little girls themselves.
I never felt like that was my dad's fault
I felt like it was my teacher's fault for deciding to do that.
But it's not always a decision
and it took me a while to realize that men don't always get a decision either in this weird cycle we are conditioned into.
and i know all of this is vague and fragmented
I feel like I'm just trying to, even now resolve my anger with women. I have anger with the emotion unpredictability I have linked women to. I have anger with their tactics they use to help oppress each other. I have anger with their taught aversion to adventure. I have anger with the passivity I was taught the women's sexual role in. I have anger with girls playing dumb, or coo-ing their voices, though I find myself doing that a lot.
I do these things.
I can be emotionally unpredictable, to say the least. I can be tactic yet illogical, I can be afraid of taking control of my life path let alone others, I can play dumb and make my voice high and pleasant.
My mom also encouraged mistrust of femininity.
She would tell us how estrogen rotted her brain, making her overemotional since her first child in a way she had never been. She respected her emotion's validities very little if she ever linked them to estrogen, pms, etc. She got us on pills so we couldn't ovulate so we couldn't perpetuate falseness through our femininity. We were free of emotional tears and those moments when introspective behaviours begged for our attention. We were free of desire and unbased ecstacy during ovulation. We would have less pimples and bigger boobs and be prettier and more real.
But how often do neurochemical predispositions affect everyone? People will have their own mood swings from sunlight, from sugar, from temperature, from stress, from anything really.
But I ended up feeling like my emotions were invalid since I was a woman. This made me sensitive, susceptible.
Recently in the car, my mother talked about the good old days again of having the brain of a man when she was younger.
So here is the deal. What if I don't think desire and mood swings are wrong? Why do I have more blame in irresponsible decisions than my brother might?
There are so many things I want to reclaim of being female
I want to reclaim the right to desire, to be an idiot and not feel like I've let down my gender race, to be emotional, to be obnoxious, to love children, to deny people, to deny people, to deny people, to not seek approval in all choices i make, to smile and be a ditz or to sulk and scowl or to be blank. i want to only worry about health and not weight. i want to not have more fear of men than i do of women. i want to continue to act the way i was with a child or fellow female or male if a male enters a room. i don't want to feel like it is my fault if people do or don't like me romantically or feel attracted to me. expressing my sexuality is not always being a tease. i can change my mind, i'm not a mother giving out candy, i'm another pair of eyes and another mind in the room. i want to be able to stand in a kitchen with bare feet and a pregnant tummy and talk about gardening and cooking and child rearing, or go into that other room with the smoking pipes and talk about literature.
my mother never was welcome in that situation i just mentioned, where she was not doing the primary child rearing and did not have a cock. what use was a gynecologist with vigor and tears and strong opinions and ambitions and arrogance and sweetness? what gender does my mother fill?
my dad would make me a costume for a play and the other women of the school would tightly smile and ask if my mom had made it
they respected my mother as they respected a male
but they thought she knew better than her male doctor counterparts in terms of social politics within the hospital, community, etc.
my mom would plumb and my dad would cook
my dad would sit at the head of the table
my mom would decide where we lived
and my dad would sulk and appear castrated.
gender made for role confusion so often when applied to the realities of my two individual parents and the context of our individual situation.
my interest in any female voice other than avril lavigne started in seventh grade with the yeah yeah yeah's master EP and stair step exercise exercises with my sister. the sensual wild yelps were so confident and RIGHT! hoorah!
but i wouldn't tell boys at my school that- i would only listen to ACDC or led zeppelin or dr. dre at school so i'd appear hardcoar
i think tori amos followed because of my interest in NIN
and then.. metric and such and now I don't really worry about listening to female music but it's more than I would have expected upon further study.
one thing that's cool about old time stories like the wizard of oz is the female protagonist
or the madelyn l'engele series did insane spiritual journeys with a mopey girl named meg.
books really are so cool when you're a kid
i remember realizing the violence forced upon boys, and how they're exiled too for not complying to gender expectations with that Wringer book, where he has to wring pidgeon's necks for the community traditional celebration and has hidden a pidgeon friend in his room.
i hid from ever considering males as real approachable people again for a while until i read a book i originally had thought was from a female's perspective- tricked! he felt guilt if he made girls uncomfortable by not controlling himself, he was also hiding ways he was freaking out and could get his heart broken. egads!
i think the first time i had a guy friend i was comfortable around and not manipulated by all the time was probs erik
isn't it cool
how in a few years
or even months
suddenly i have male friends
and don't consider every interaction with a male some underlying sexual attempt
or i like that now i will admit to wanting children
or get trashed and pee on things
and the balance is so good
i think about feminism a lot
and i think the disappointment i felt as a kid with women was just because i knew how strong the women around me were. i knew they had crazy awesome potential and was just confused as to why they weren't listened to with as much respect when they spoke or felt they had less chance of success with things that didn't involve female charms. And I think i actually thought girls were really competent and were just being lazy.
It's nice to see now
all of the vigor and attempt and strength in fellow ladieezzzz
and the amount of respectful males there are in this town
and those who are just themselves
whatever gender those actions are given
just chooses what they wish.
that's wonderful
/huge ramble with no point
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