mmmf.

I have a lot of things to mull over.
So.
This summer's plans.
My original plan was:
Work at Tim's for May and June, then quit (even though I said I'd be there all summer to get the job, and thus won't get a reference)
Go to Kentucky for 4 days with my mom for a wedding.
Go to Washington for July and August. Hopefully work at the Comfort Inn. Pay for the lease back home and the lease in Bellingham simultaneously while also paying for food.
File two separate tax returns for two separate countries later...
Go back to Sackville for school and live in leased house again, hopefully working part time somewhere.
So.
Arg. Very confusing.
More things to consider:
Don't want to let down friends in Bellingham.
Would like some of my summer money left over for later things like food.
Could just go to Bellingham for like a week and still probably have a cooperative Tim Hortons. Then I'd be able to pay for the lease in Sackville and food etc in Bellingham. I wouldn't have to work and I would only have one tax return later.
But I don't want to let down friends in Bellingham...
I originally told people I'd be back right after my exams in April
Then I realized my mom can't afford that. I'm used to her having way too much money.
Now I'm worrying about school costs too. My aunt made a fund for us, since she has 3 nieces/ nephews and I'm one. But the value of the canadian dollar has risen so every year we get less when she converts it to pounds.
Egads.
I don't know what to do.
I need to ask her for the money now for correspondence courses.
So that I can try and get out in four years with a double major
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so I can go to grad school
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I can maybe not have a job anyway
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm not used to having responsibilities. Annoying truth! I'm not used to having my own jobs or budgeting or making sense. I used to just be praised because I wasn't having panic attacks and shit.
Now I have to do more than exist, which is fine, totally fine, I obviously want to have some sort of a path anyways
It's just hard. My sister did an undergrad in what she loved and just would call up when she needed more money
I can't do that now, I have to have a direction.
My brother figured this out so much earlier than me, why have I been so goon-ish for as long as I have? He's going to be a lawyer and things.
And my family always says he'll support them in old age and the girls.
WELL FUCK.
I'm not just some useless waif. I can make money... I don't know.
When other people pay for you, it doesn't feel like you own yourself.
I feel indebted. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to feel like I can control my own fate.
I feel like I need to constantly apologize for not having my shit more together.
Anyhow, so I'm definitely bummed I can't be in Bellingham for anything longer than a week to two weeks. I'm bummed I don't really have a way to kind of use that area as a base comfortably right now.
I guess in the end I just have to do what I have to do.
I just feel so often like I'm actively rejecting people in Bellingham when I'm not! I'm tired of having places I go back to with an apologetic affectation and try and connect but then have to leave before I can.
Meh.
If I had just lived in one area for my life, I wouldn't always feel weird like this. I also think I detach too easily when I move. Though I still miss Bellingham people and get reminded of them every day. I just feel like I'm spreading some bad detachment virus when I talk to people. Hm.
I wouldn't be who I am today either though.
And I am glad I moved, just because it helped me learn how to take care of myself and separate a little more from my family and reconnect with them in other ways.
I just wish I ever felt like I was making the right decision. There are always so many decisions I could make.
mmmmm
Life is unpredictable.
Last year my mom around this time was telling me that the cherry blossoms were still out in April and I could be back in time for them.
Now, nope.
I feel confused a lot.
I don't know.
I think it would be best for me if I just stayed here financially.
I think I'll have fun... I just also think I'll feel lonely and a little directionless.
I don't know. Anywhere I go this summer, it's not totally home. ow.
I should stop worrying so much.
I just think about how my actions relate to larger trends I've seen in my actions and then I start overanalyzing.
I miss Bellingham's love. I miss all of the people I love and the nature. It felt like a family. Everyone had been through some weird stuff and the bonds I had were so intense. It was like, we really needed each other. And I really do need people I think still. More than I should, almost in a family-like manner.
Mumble mumble.
Will think about this more later.