I've been reading about the virgin Mary. She always was the most interesting part of Catholicism to me.

In the Middle Ages, plays would be done at Christmas to demonstrate the nativity. In them, Mary would painlessly give birth to Jesus, filled with joy. Part of this was to show that she remained a virgin in CHILDBIRTH. Because Jesus is magical.

Since the Qur'an doesn't believe Jesus is magical, etc, the chapter about Mary (yes, there is more about the virgin Mary in the Qur'an than in the Bible...) describes her childbirth as horrifically painful. She goes through it alone. Joseph doesn't even exist in Mary's life in the Qur'an.

People have also debated a bunch about if Mary stayed a virgin her whole life. It's a conflict of the duties of a woman to matrimony and subservience and the duties of mankind to purity and spiritual devotion. Joseph gets drawn a lot in art looking really old and harmless, sleeping and things. See? Why would she have sex with a very un-verile man? But that wasn't very impressive to some Catholics, so they drew Joseph being more useful and sexy so it was a challenge for Mary! Such lengths are gone to to prove Mary is a virgin. The bible talks about Jesus' bretherin, and scholars claim they are just Jesus' cousins from Mary's mom. But Mary's mom is supposed to be almost barren and really excited she even got to birth Mary. I think a big part of the insistence on Mary's virginity was: why would she have sex for babies if she already got to have the most incredible baby/God ever? Because she wouldn't just have sex for pleasure. It seems to be a conflict that Mary goes between stories of her leading a usual matrimonial life and the part of her that is supposed to be sheer divine purity.

Another interesting thing about Mary is the fixation on her as the partial antidote to Eve. Since people claim Eve introduced sin into the world and cursed women to be treated like subservient beings with evil tempt-y wiles, Mary somehow was supposed to have done everything the opposite of Eve. Eve introduces sex, Mary introduces celibate birth. Eve disobeys God, Mary obeys God. Women were told to look up to Mary as their guiding figure- as a woman, wife, mother, etc. At the same time, they were told they could never ever attain any of her qualities and should sulk to show repentance for Eve's sins and being related to Eve. Why did they gain strength from an ideal that served as the framework to make them feel like they were sin filled? And yet she is quite the attractive mentor and martyr.

It's interesting that she accepts God's word in the Bible with no consideration otherwise. She just obeys, like Abraham or Moses or whoever have you from the old testament. She's a feminine ideal of unattainability with qualities of old male followers of God. She is so passive and strong at the same time in her obedience, like them. She's just a tool of things, not a person.

That's why the Madonna and Child portraits full of loving touching are such an interesting contradiction- we see Mary's humanity. But she is supposed to be so inhuman in her rejection of sin. While appreciating the pleasures of motherhood, which are earthly pleasures as well.

I thought I would paint her and the christ child with the christ child sticking a finger up her nose and her laughing for my project. I'll upload that if it doesn't suck really hard. I want to twist the maternal joy into a very earthly version of itself.

It's an interesting concept, that Mary and Christ make each other into pseudo gods and pseudo humans when together on earth. She gives him this fleshy, vulnerable body- he's painted nursing with her often even- and he gives her this transcendent peaceful gaze and glow. They live in a pseudo state in those paintings together, tainted and enriched by the heavenly and the earthly. SO weird.

I remember when I was a kid, being so confused by the feminine ideal of Mary. I was maybe 9, crying to my mom about how all the church wanted out of me was that I laid around passive for men and popping out babies and keeping quiet and never doing anything... somehow chaste in my lack of personal opinions.

Maybe some women worshipped Mary as they did just because she created without needing an earthly man and seemed to raise the child on her own.

Merp. Good night. Religion is a strange thing. It shifts a lot. It's strange how it can affect your life so much too, before you can back up and even think about it, it can teach you some fundamental beliefs and feelings about things you may not even know you have.

Even though I don't logically believe in christianity anymore, I feel like it would be really comforting for me to pray to her or for her, on a rosary, whatever. I have a little statue of her in my room. I have conflicts with my current agnosticism and my appreciation of Catholic art. And it's so beautiful and peaceful, I guess sometimes. It roots me to my childhood and my family and friends and town from another time.
The way Mary just watches. She does things silently, as seem wise to do. And so often just watches. An expression, witnessing an event, loving a person, looking at you. And others paint her into different contexts and roles. She's even been painted as a warrior figure in chainmail. There's something pretty and eerie about it all. Sad too.

Oh eh.
I wish I didn't lead myself into dead end thoughts.
Agonize, agonize, construct an argument against the already determined verdict. agonize. peace with the suckage. thought... agonize! argument... wait.. peace.peace... peace... oh shit I forgot to care about school because I kept myself in a peaceful place.
Schoolwork, schoolwork, hooray! applying myself! applying myself to agonizing thought? nooo! yes, it's time. agonize. no i need to do school! that's why i plugged my thoughts in! nope, agonize. quick, dramatic catty action that might make my agonizing go away. oh shit. more agonizing! shame about my character! take it out on schoolwork! schoolwork! now i'm really tired from my thoughts but i'm not done. bed.!

I always forget how centering it feels when you finish a delicious novel finally after everyone's gone to bed. I remember at my mother's when I finished Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murikami sometime this year and ended up crying and thinking and getting an interesting closure on various things I though I'd already felt closure about. Crazy!

I have a lot of experimenting to do with what feels right for me... in what I care about, in how I react and think and value things and see things... because a lot of presumptions about how things should be keep peeling off. I think I like it. But I keep finding myself humbled. Oh. I took it way too far, this way, or that way, I'm persisting or agonizing too much, I'm expecting too much out of myself, etc. etc. Baaaalance is hard and I don't think I'll ever get it just right because few things in life are that understandable and normalized and routine...?

Reading a novel really helps my attention span, too. It's such an indulgent thing, to be able to pursue an idea for so long- that someone has elaborated to that extent with that holistic nature and trust in the listener to keep listening. It makes me want to listen to more long, meaty stories that I can use to open my eyes to others, relate, learn, reassess...

It is also very important to have dance parties and drink too much sometimes.
It is also important not to be scared of silence
these are lessons i'm having pounce on me
it is also important not to use others like a diary.
this doesn't count cause it's blogger and like 4 people occasionally read it.
right????
never lost all my myspace exibitionism/ psychoanalytical lack of shame

If I blog while drunk
does that make me raw as shit
uncut 2 the core
no social niceties
don't even know what i'm LIKE
uh
okay so this is sally
and she is pissed she go to bed soon
and she rests her heacy head on her arm
and tomorrow will be full of tea and paint and making screen prints
reading would be nice too
i am bewildered by things to the point they're now almost unthinkable
grieving is the dumbest process i've ever encuntered
it doesn't seem to really eber get those seesout of my ycyles
i am covered in slime
i gollowed around girls who understand hat it's like to deal with this bullshit
i danced my ass off, it was aswersome.
i wish i could play mistress witch of mcclure on the ukelele
my sister said
sally you'll find as you get older
people follow a code less and less


it's so sad
we can't even remember what we got taught in kindergarten.

A new confession every day of the week

I am a control freak
you were the only thing I couldn't control myself around

I've viewed life as a trade to hone
I wish the world wasn't so random and I wish I really did have big lessons at the end of the day that held importance.

I remember one of the top ways to annoy me as a kid was to tell me "Well Sally, life's not fair."
It was really angering because it felt like they were telling me not to even TRY and make life fair. It felt so mopey and lazy and immoral, and so forth. Truely, a travesty they didn't care that I didn't get to go on the swings.
ANYWAY! But I finally had to admit, life isn't fair. Karma doesn't exist. Those who get hurt don't always get to see the comeuppings of those who hurt them. And those who have bad shit happen may never have it even out- and those who have great things happen may never have to experience anything too awful as a balance, etc. etc.
So. Life isn't fair, but I've gotten the upper end on that deal so often. The fact I was born into a pretty affluent society. The fact I was raised by loving parents and the fact I was born into the time I was, and not as some black person into a shitty area of detroit, etc. I've been very lucky. I have my health, I have my mental health. All members of my immediate family are living.
So yeah. I need to get over the feeling that those messed up people who only make my life worse need to learn a lesson. The fact is, life isn't fair, they'll probably never learn shit even if I tried to spoon feed them the message that they are kind of being awful. They'll have to want to learn or have the strength to. And I'm not the vigilante of moral character. People can be shitty assholes around me. They'll continue to get off not learning a thing and will probably keep doing what they do. We're big enough to take control over the person we are.
I feel like such an old cranky person, the way I value people's "character".
I feel confused about what actions I should take with most things I encounter.

shhhhhhhh
i am in class
writing a blog
sittin' next to josee'

older people don't think so much like formatting machines
apa frightens them
i automatically thought like a computer today
i copy paste reiterated when i ordered at gracies
I was like "hi, can I have thai chicken curry rice surprise" or something like that
and she was like. "bahhgh. you mean SOUP???"
and i felt very silly and robot like.

my mantra today is
"nothing is in your control, let go"
this does not mean i stop bathing
this means i don't squeeze every thought i have into a hardened pellet of "what, aaaargh?"
i like art
it's a lot of work
i would like to just work in the art studio all the time and not have midterms
although i also like learning about systems
i miss biology
there are so many complicated processes in EVERYTHAAAANG
especially cell biology

i want to do taxidermy
it's like totally gross but you'd learn so much about anatomy
you have to even make like fake plaster muscles and veins
josee' is watching me blog

so meta
blogging about blogging
i'm an idiot

let's hit josee' if we see her drink soda
let's hug her brain very gently when she looks sad
lo, it is important.

we're learning about introductions
this ridiculous guy who taught me english said it was like foreplay
he was very silly
it is all methodical and such.

i wish i had a pompadour
except maybe not
i want to go shopping
but i have too many thingies.

my poodle is sad
i don't like that i find him so fragile and clingy
i will raise my next poodle alone
he will have none of these neuroses
i will give him booties for the snow
he will be soft and chocolate coloured
and have yeller eyes
like the puppy momma sent away on a plane
QQ

I would like to make a magazine like cosmogirl
except it wouldn't suck balls
it'd be like nylon, except not just a huge ass list of buzz bands.

bye guys

josee' sez:
eat your vegetables
(it ironic)

sheepysheepysheepysheep

There are many here at my dad's They've been dewormed and such.
I shouldn't drink gin, Juniper berries used to flavor it create some depression.

sometimes i drink to get depressed, because being depressed makes me feel closer to you.

you could call that love, i think i call it stupidity.

i am hungry and my dad is whistling and i just went on a long walk with my sister through the woods and apple orchards near by. We talked about people's lame roommates, and how one's own roommates can be lame, I think it would be hilarious/ shitty to always call your roommates your buzzkills.
My pappy picked honey mushrooms, we are going to fry them and eat them, what what.
I am still so excited at the fact I am in the art program. HEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEE.
I look at my phone, hoping he texted, when he hasn't, I sigh relief. I think this means I'm actually getting over him to some degree, not just lying about it.
When I mope now, I think "you have all life to mope about this, don't even worry, there's cool stuff going on right now though" and sometimes that actually makes me get over it for a second.
This morning I woke up like, bleh. Then I thought "my brain drags my body around by a string". I think, it feels passionately. It's my brain though, beatin' up on my body when it doesn't always need to. My body shouldn't be a vessel for huge passing sensations all the time. It should also get to run around and eat more yummy food and sing and sleep and I think I should live life a little like a happy poodle.

sally hill is taking one day at a time
i would say i did very well today.

it's amazing to me how once i let someone in.. that intimacy stays. even with friendships. Skypes with bellingfriends are so warm and trusting. Sometimes I think it is a weakness how loyal my trust can be? but actually... i think i like that. i mean. i get so scared of being abandoned and having people break my trust/ turn out to be using me. but my trust is also a strength. i gain ties to places through it.
rrrramble

i made a spaghetti muffin cheese twirl.
i boiled spaghetti
i put it in a bowl with a shit ton of cheddar cheese (grated) and stilton and paprika and garlic powder and spinach and seared chicken chunks and pepper and cumin...
Then i heated the oven to 425 after putting my rack in the middle of the oven. then i baked my muffins for fifteen minutes. highly recommend, with lots o cheese and spinach. homnyom.

I really do have friends I can reach out to.

writing letters i don't mean to send
drinking kahlua and cream and coffee
smoking cigarettes. whai i do it.?
I like my photograms.
Making to do lists.
Listening to music that is safe, that I already love.
Tired often.
Suppressing urges to be cuddly a lot with friends.
I like how physical writing on a typewriter is.
My voice sounds so ugly when I scream.
I don't know if the roommates are comfortable around me now.
Focus. Focus on work. Focus on art, focus on friends. Focus on cooking, focus on making a home in myself. I've become less self conscious, it's like I just can't be damned to expend extra energy, or maybe because I'm a second year..?
lingerie gauze looks so good on photograms.
india ink and brush
i like... art. c:
Connect, Sally Hill. You is doing well.
Spend more time doing creative things if you have to waste time on the internet.
Sweaters soon
The leaves aren't falling off yet. I don't remember it being Fall for long here. The leaves get crushed in and snowed over, yes?
I miss the West coast physically.
I feel good here though.
Everywhere I go feels a little lonely.
Because what I love is so spread out.
I have to connect anyhow.
I'm going to enjoy everything I do, stupid or not...

just add water freeze dried smores

They don't taste like smores.
My mom came today in my tiny time slot between elements and my final. She brought a whole effing basket of freeze dried camping food in case i was about to starve to death, including tiny freeze dried backpacker deserts. These are my brother's leftovers from hiking the appalachian mountains. That's something I'd love to do. If I was to do it at the age he did it at, I'd hike the mountains next summer. Except I don't think I'd have any friends who'd be down for that and would follow through. Why does my brother have really adventurous friends? He went to LA with them on a road trip too around my age... they went to see Rage Against the Machine play that special rare show thing. With these smores, I put water over powdery brown powder covered pellets, then some graham cracker dust. Then it sat for 10 minutes. Weird pudding. I feel like I'm made out of weird pudding too, guys. Cause my mom also brought a shit ton of my dad's antiques. Too many for my room. Going to give lots of them to dad, maybe keep one or two things if he lets me. My mom's trying to avoid him getting his antiques because his step girlfriend might be entitled to them. I feel weird. I have my old house crammed in this room, sort of. My sister's looks super antiquey too.
I think I did pretty bad on my final. I felt pretty weird. I have another tomorrow in anthro. I missed some acoustic music. I don't feel like I'm anybody's rock right now. And I don't really feel like anybody's mine. Maybe this happens when I am too crumbly to be a rock and too crushing to have one. It kind of isn't very nice. I don't think people in this town tend to spill their hearts out as much as I sometimes want to spill. But I don't have many problems. I was an asshole to my mom because I had an hour to eat and move all my dad's shit into my room, etc. No excuse really...
I wish I was in second year. This feels so weird. I should be in second year. Except I was a wimp last year about mai dreams.
I have an exciting book to read called biomega. It has talking bears in spacesuits with hook hands and post apocalypic things. But first I have so much homework.
I was also reading Travels with Charley last weekend. It was pretty rad. I'd love to finish it.
I'm gonna miss summer, I didn't always treat it right.
I should have been drunk more.
I shouldn't have done school
I should have travelled more
I think maybe I travel too much
but I really like doing it
probably because it's all I did during the summer until recently.
This summer was the longest I stayed in one place: Sackville for two months.
It was nice too
I'm just wary of taking things too easy
I feel like I could somehow float in little bits away without the compression of a busy life
Jamie says I should only plan until around 23
That sounds good
Life in dorms means I have to seek people out more
Thas okay. I bet it'll be okay
I think something about me kills romance
that's weird
sometimes i feel so fluffy and romantic
i wish i was a cat maybe
except i like having hands
so i can draw
and yerk off
and eat freeze dried smores

The longer someone knows me, the more I'll drag them down with me. I try to have a happy, typical life, but my darkness eventually infects everything I touch. I'll never succeed for long because I am broken and sick and a bad person. I'll never do anything right.

-Sally Hill's hot thought.

Try to imagine being a cheery light person when you worry about that under many things you do.

I'ma try and be nice to myself.

a long long time ago, i was drunk and angryyyy...

Sally Hill
Resume
Your Business
February 22 2010

Why should I work for your company? Because I love your company. Because they’re going to give me a purpose to my day. Sure. Going to college is okay and all, but I’m not really sure about this preparing for a theoretical job business. This is the now. And I need a job now. Why? I need to emotionally separate from my mother. Partially, this requires financial separation so I can be respected. Why else? So I don’t mooch off of my friends. I would feel like the biggest moochy asshole. My momma’s new husband’s got a problem with me and I need to show I got some guff n’ balls and suchforth.
Reasons I am good for your company
A lot of my friends are ridiculous yet I love them and tolerate them.
I am ridiculous yet I manage to stay patient and not punch myself in the liver EVERY night.
I am patient.
One time, I had to work for a bipolar woman who was my friend’s mom. I had to deal with her weird employee who listened to a super angry liberal show on the AM radio for like 5 hours. And kind of just repeatedly sealed plastic bags. Or listened to her yell about her daughter’s boyfriend. And lo, I persevered even though I didn’t get paid none. Not only did she give me a crazy bipolar lady review, I still made her a pretty lil letter with a painting telling her I was still thankful for the positively retarded experience. I am used to dealing with positively retarded people. Because I’ve moved around so much, I also can figure out how people tick before they go off.
Reasons I am good for your company.
I am pretty awesome with gay people. I’m like, really nice. I really like movies. I got B’s in my science classes even though I am an art student which shows I do stuff for the innate merit of it I guess.
Also a reason why stuff is okay
Stuff is okay because I’m neat and have guilt problems and overcompensate to not feel like a hunk of poop. So I’d probably work really hard. I need to save money for food. I’m just trying to get paid. Why won’t you let me get paid. What is wrong with you.
I can be whoever you want me to be baby.

I’m missing out on a lot of fuck shit up culture.

That culture’s got a certain time limit before I get too old for it.

…I hope I’m not already too old for it.

Oh no.

D:

… i want?

i want to fuck shit up

usually i find it difficult to hang out with people who want to fuck shit up

because i want to take care of them instead of join in.

hhhhhhumph

or because they’re boring.

welp

um

let’s start a gang

that is somehow emotionally wise

and interesting

and we’ll wear creative outfits

and eat lots of candy

and oh no.

that’s an art student isn’t it?

i don’t care.

cause we'll be soooo drunk

and sooo outside

Fashion Sociology!

An exciting new substudy!
Do you know how interesting it is that in Japan you can buy little girl clothes in women sizes that have no sexuality injected into them? Just smothered in ruffles and the most stuffy patterns.
INNOCENT WORLD
I read an article hypothesizing that Lolita was a way that Japanese women were making themselves so useless via intricate fashions on purpose so that it was difficult for them to even tie their own shoes and shit? And there was this hypothesis that it had to do with how overworked and unappreciated women were. Also it apparently could be a side effect of extreme social gender divides. I seriously have so little knowledge into japan, the Lolita fashion thing has fascinating connotations.
Is it women not wanting to grow up?
Rejecting responsibilities that have brought them little social reward or benefit?
Are ladies wanting their needs considered?
Are they oppressing themselves?
wat?
Some peeps say that it could be a reaction to an oversexualized obscene pop culture too.

OR
is there something strange that women here dress up as little girls with sexuality injected into it? via lil bo peep costumes and shit with garters etc.
are women here doing it for sexual reasons/fighting the worthlessness they feel from their sexual aging or something?
Or am I being wack saying ladies are doing it for men here or sex or something?
Maybe this has to do with Western cultures seeing sexuality as a huge source of empowerment
Or maybe this is the closest we ladiez feel we can get to childhood in our culture that would make lots of fun of us if we weren't being sexy while dressing like a kid cause we can only feel okay to weird shit if it's a little sexy
but that really limits our options on weird shit guys. like i think that's why bjork gets so much shit, cause she doesn't inject sex or power into her shit all the time except in this pretty honest honest manner
maybe we're more pedophillic than japan, or maybe japan is a step ahead of us and soon we'll get rid of the tits and want the little bo peeps to look as flat chested and respectable as a lolita?
WUT?
am i seeing too much sex in this? all i seem to keep coming back to is that it's a regressing out of puberty. but there are a lot of social implications to wanting to be a kid.
is it women who don't feel like they get to have fun
is it women who can't figure out how women could be treasured without their innocence?
is it women who are like, fuck this shit, i want people to take care of me
doooes it have to do with a lack of father figures
FREUDIAN?????
(btw this song is awesome: Gucci Mane ft. Drug Rug - Pillz Team Teamwork)
Is it weird in our culture that mature respectable women are sexless and sexy at the same time?
this gets into so much analysis of women's place in culture and stuff
and this gets into if this is feminism or the opposite or really has nothing to do with gaining or getting rid of power
AHHH
SO INTERESTING
are people there depressed
are we fucked up
what
are women more of sex objects here or there
this also gets into a regression desire of the whole culture of japan
and our western impulses to regress
and how they differ
and why
why do people want to regress?
is it because of the instability of work and society and the environment and stuff
maybe that it hurts too much to have to have so many unsolvable problems and useless responsibilities
whooooo knows
i don't
but i know this would be a really fun thesis
it would wrap and wrap and wrap
in nets

is lolita fashion a desire not to be a woman as it means more abuse and less safety


oh gosh.

oh gosh.

fashion psychology

you could get into....
lots of stuff

the recent desire for shoulderpads coming back

backwards baseball caps?
i dunno.

neeeerggg

on an unrelated note
ALICE GLASS IS SO COOOL UHHHHHHH


Actually you need to listen to this whole 8tracks too. I love it. so much.
amazing. do it. perfect hip hop.

also it's so interesting the stuffy lolita on older women is like, the opposite of the other type of lolita in japan.

i guess that lolita does exist in japan, either with busty women dressed like little girls or little girls sexualized in school outfits and stuff.

so.
i guess that exists there.

but...

we definitely don't have the older woman doing the stuffy lolita.

good night
i have no idea what anything means.

overactive thoughts

dwindling confidence!

I keep wondering if I have a learning disability or if I'm just set on failing. I've always been awful at essays and writing. I didn't know when I signed up for sociology and anthro this summer that I'd be doing essays. I don't know why, I just assumed I wouldn't be doing any. I got D's so often in my last english class... I'm not sure why I felt like I could do the english course anyway. I don't learn things when people try to teach me how to write. Even if they make it as clear as possible, I know I'll fuck it up SO ROYALLY. It's terribly embarrassing, getting people I know to proofread the papers I write. I feel like I'm divulging to them for the first time how dim I am under the social exterior. Or at least how poorly I understand tasks and carry them out. It's really humiliating. I feel so, so, so sos ososo so so so stupid.
I seriously couldn't write a good essay if I took a whole course to work on it.

moop

secret to not looking crazy
don't accessorize if you're wearing something risky for you

i guess
also don't feel like you need to justify being somewhere on your own by being occupied. that is pretty obvious though

sometimes i feel like i think the dumbest things
sometimes i think i'll never be happy since my head never shuts up
i've learned how to not agonize about past stuff far more than ever
like i only did a weird blog about 8th grade since i got over it finally
because i guess i've just learned more so how to not freak out
i still freak out too much
but it's more managable now
and it's mostly just stuff since last september
much more tolerable
i have strange memories sometimes
like when i picked up bri like a baby and she cried so much into my sweater that it was soaked
or when i cried so hard about leaving in a back room
or when i remorsed leaving the first night in canada in a hotel room when i realized i hadn't said goodbye to isabelle
and mom was just shit talkin at me
and i dunno
i was so confused about why i had chosen to move
and it was feeling so irreversible
and i was realizing how much i identified myself from my intense friendships with everyone in bellingham.
i saw a smart car in truro for sale
it gets 75 mpg
and it's 11000 bucks
i really want the thing
but i sure don't have that money.
it just sounds like a roadtrip machine though
i'm sure it's insanely cramped though
a 2 person car
i miss car trips
i miss those teenage getaways with great music
i miss having such close friends i could pile them all in a car and we'd all feel that amazing feeling
of being with the people you want to be with most in the moment
relishing your cigarettes
feeling the music totally
and just
the trip being the end in itself
i really don't feel like i've made that crazy connection with many people here
some are great friends
but it's not that weird thing
where you feel like you can do little wrong by them
like you're sharing a goddang soul
i haven't been here for long though
and i don't know if it's healthy to have friendships that strong
they also invoke so much
obligation and guilt and stress
such a poop
is what i am


1. My [last] ex is... someone i feel like i wronged

2. I should learn to... feel the worth of my own observations of cool things in life instead of always trying to share it and wasting time instead

3. I love... feeling the beauty of quiet things

4. People would say that I am... retarded.

5. I don't understand... how to manage my time well.

6. When I wake up in the morning... I already feel like I've spoiled the day's perfect plans.

7. I lost... many versions of myself and I think it'll be for the best right now.

8. Life is... anything you want.

9. My past taught me... to lighten up.

10. I get annoyed when... I feel like I can't escape myself.

11. Parties... are the best when they're with people who aren't just looking for escape but connections and new chances and new understandings and celebration and such.
I don't think I'm usually a party person.
Though sometimes I love dancing sooo much.

12. I wish... I could feel comfortable on my own again.

13. Dogs and cats... are strange inventions.

14. My childhood pets... are fondly and intensely cherished forever if they are poodles.

15. Tomorrow is... already fucked up by my lack of direction.

16. I have a low tolerance for... children and needy cats and guitar hero parties.

17. If I had a million dollars.. I'd hoard it and pretend I didn't have it. And relax more about school.

18. I'm terrified of... childbirth and how I'll write off right now later!

19. I've come to realize... I have some nuts mood swings.

20. I am listening to... Country on a radio station in the kitchen i guess.

21. I talk... too much.

22. My good friends... aren't always the easiest to see.

23. My first kiss... was filled with embarrassment and PDA

24. Love is... becoming half as functional.

25. Marriage is... something pretty to break down later.

26. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about anal.

27. I'll always be... jenny from the block.

28. The last time I really cried was... feeling sexually frustrated and hopeless.

29. My cell phone is... nice but sometimes a weakening factor for my character.

30. Before I go to bed... I ask myself if there's a pretty song I'd like to hear while I relax in bed./ if I'm awake enough for that. If I'm not awake enough for that I think, excellent, let's get to this sleeping business.

31. My middle name... is fucking.

32. Right now, I am thinking... about baby kittens.

33. Today I... harassed chris for 12 hours.

34. Tomorrow I will be... trying not to harass chris or get intimidated by anthro.

35. I really want to... make a good dent in anthro and not mess up my gpa anymore. Also I really want to depend on myself more because I'm disliking myself right now.

38. My relationship with my grandparents... is tense, they've been deteriorating for a while, one of them is deceased now. Sometimes they feel like cautionary tales since they never turned very wise with age.

39. My most treasured possession is... my music library.

40. My favorite pictures... are of the 2009 new years!

41. I sing... rarely since I'm usually in earshot and am self conscious. i sing half assedly a lot though.

42. If I were a crayon... I'd have had my paper torn off and i'd be the colour blue lizzy used to paint her walls and hopefully i'd be shading faces in an emotional manner

43. Someday I want to travel to... mexico.

44. I am wearing... a dress that i've half taken off since it has a minute waistline. and high heels. dumbassery @ its finest

45. My favorite class... always my studio class. <3 <3
always.
it's the reason i like university.
...
revelation.
well.
hm.
i should...
do less psych.

46. My favorite language is... mine. it works for me.

47. It hurts... when people order you to stop hurting about those defining hurts you don't know how to drop yet.

48. I'm going to miss... the trances i put myself in when i was younger.

49. My profile picture is... angst? or sexual fridge.

50. I need... direction.

fffffffooooooo

Hi.
I have a secret.
I WAS A REALLY REALLY AWFUL MIDDLE SCHOOLER
I was so bad at it
I was sooo socially inept
I
eh!
It all began in 6th grade with the invention of peanut
a sock filled with beans that I wrote stories about and carried around in a homemade purse
even to gym class
I had a really overactive imagination still
and got all my friends playing with dolls again and living in makeshift box houses in my basement
nourishing people with camping pots filled with kool aid
at least I was sort of okay.
Oh and I liked to talk like a squirrel and have squirrel fights and such.
And I hung out with a 7 year old and I think she bullied me.
Anyhow
not too bad.
But when I got to 7th grade
I wore matte makeup
and the same outfit every day
and made out with a pillow for practice
and was hella christian I guess
but thought I was gay
and one time wanted to impress my friends and put out a copy of a book called The Gothic Flame on my bed or something like that
never read it
played neopets
Still not too bad
had friends
moved to Bellingham
awkward person
chastized by boys for wearing short shorts
they were all like You're disgustinnnn
and I was like you are lame/ booohooooooo
and one time I was so crafty I wrote every cool band I could think of on a piece of paper and asked a cute boy to trade lines with me for a play so he could see my page full of cool "accidental" doodles
plucked a girl's eyebrows and chastized her for having the eyebrow shape she had
i was just getting really anxious about dumb things
had shoes that were tan suede platform sneakers.
people called them the loaves of bread
or the brick shoes
got new shoes for picture day
etnieeeeeeez
and the lady was like
this coupon isn't valid for half off until tomorrow
and i was like I DON'T CARE I'LL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS OTHERWISE
and then realized it was a group picture
and you couldn't see my feet
not so bad
moved to kulshan
got real awkward
tried to impress boys wearing mini john deer shirts and matte makeup
was so nervous too
made up ridiculous lies to impress my only good friend
i was like
i used to do erotic square dancing in kentucky.
shit was nuts.
didn't know whose leg was yours and shit
aka not true
listened to yeah yeah yeahs and death cab for cutie and jack johnson and the killers on my own
but only ever listened to afroman, snoop dogg, led zeppelin and acdc at school so i'd impress people
always had the weirdest ideal moments planned
like that when i got a pottery wheel a cute boy would come to my house and i'd be in a loose button up work shirt and have a casual loose bun and other dumb shit.
got a pink ipod mini from my dad and was all emotional about it because i was fallin outta good contact with my dad
and went through all this dumb shit to get a blue one so my friend wouldn't get mad at me for copying her
and held it against her silently
so weird
stopped eating a lot
on the first day at kulshan i left a purse on a counter with 40 dollars in it when i went to the bathroom cause i was so trusting
made friends with some dude in the principal's office waiting
and then realized he was there cause he stole my purse
i didn't get all my money back or nothin.
one time my dad brought a homeless person home and my mom woke me up to tell me the dude would probably slit my throat and to lock my door and i was like
THANKS I CAN'T LOCK MY DOOR
and then i slept with her and my dad slept in my bed
and she kept me up telling me she saw the dude come upstairs and that he was probably schizophrenic
and then i was like why are you saying this shit if we were in danger it would be best to comfort me and she was like
why would i liiiie to you sally
and then i slept in the minivan.
and then i tried to tell popular kids on the bus like it was just a wacky ass story
and they were like that's seriously fucked all around
and i was like
>:C
I was really into the messy bun
in which i would tuck all my hair from a ponytail into the back over and over again
until the back of my head was like a dread when i tried to take it out
i had an aim screenname kentuckybabe91
and a friend from kentucky asked why i came out of the room they had me stand naked in during truth or dare
and i was like IM NOT GHEY
and then i sobbed dramatically and ripped apart photos of us
i was
so effing tense
one time a guy was walking like hitler during gym class
and i went up to him and was like
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH YOU ARE SO OFFENSIVE I COULD DIE. MY GRANDFATHER WAS JEWISH AND NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO MAD AND YOU ARE SOOOO TERRIBLE
I actually had a crush on the kid
he ate lunch in the office cause he was so picked on
one time my brother picked me up from school playing rap music
and i felt really tense and was gawking at popular boys when i was getting driven by
and jimmy was like stop that
and i was like k jimmy.
and i learned a tiny social skill.
when i first got to the school i had a mudfight with three girls on the soccer field and didn't know that they fertilized with pig poop
it smelled aaaawful
and then later they were like
i got this thing at the salvation army
and i said, OMG, like, is that in the mall?
and they all went.
pehhhhh.
and we nevar spoke again.
this epic move happened where girls i got along with at this table
slowly moved to the popular table
monica first
then katie
so it was me, val who i considered my best friend and the other bfffffffffs were gone
and then val was like.
ehhhyeah
i got invited over.
and then i didn't get invited over
and it was me and 2 of the three people i found annoying
always liked janelle though.
so effin awk
at the dance at the end of the year i was like
GUYS I GOT RID OF MY BACNE
and they were like
YAY
and then they were like
you have chestne
and i was like ;-;
i watched cartoons still
and one time could not stop myself from quoting a really awful jimmy neutron parents moment where the lights go off and the dad says "ohhhohooo honey your hands are cold"
best thing to say in the dark at a sleepover.
best thing ever.
nottttt
and the others said
that's creepy.
i didn't know what to do so i said it again.
stuff got hella tense when val was like,
sally, people are saying you're weird
and i was like :O WHOOOO
and she was like
perry.
and i was like
who is she/ OH DEAR GOD
and then she was like
brandon says that too.
and i was like le soooooobs
and then she was like
it is okay
we will fix this
you can buy polos.
pffffrtfffrftfrrrtffft
i just took everything waaay seriously
that summer i started listening to my chemical romance and mouthing the lyrics dramatically in a mirror
i had a list of things to buy
it was
eyeliner
lacey tank top
curling iron
mcr cd
cd player
and that's the summer i went on the cali trip with my dad, sister, brother and the adultress and her family. but i had no clue
I got hella into hot hot heat
and got time alone in yellowstone national park by curling up in a bear food metal box listening to hot hot heat with headphones
i totally thought i was gonna romance it up with the other family's son nick
who i did not know was named after my dad, haha
anyhow
so i always was hanging out near him pooching my face weird
and he'd be like
you have a beard made out of sand
cause i was trying a tea tree oil acne treatment
and then i went to high school
and i was quite darn preppy
one day i had aeropostale jeans and a pink hollister hoodie and pink flip flops and a pink water bottle and i got some bitchy chick saying awww she's so pink
and my head exploded probably
val hung out with volleyball people
and i agonized hardcore and lurked
and lurked so hard i was literally walking parallel to val and her friends with parked cars between us staring at them
and val was like, ehhhehehh you can come over here.
isabelle's the first good friend i think i had where i was comfortable with her
she was like half as socially awkward as me so we clicked and i think grounded each other a little bit and stuff.
i would do very dramatic photoshops
with so much layering of graphics and cursive text and stuff.
i think that was the basic end of awkwardness.
still crushed on girls so hardcoar
but didn't worry about it.
so there is most of my awkward secrets
they're not that bad?
not really
they're just loaded with tension.
can't believe that was only five years ago.
i learned so much stuuuuuffffffffffff

sociology

is pretty grand.
Though I think I might explode if I hear another sociologist writing about the poor, ordinary unaware masses and such.
Bleh.
I really like my textbook.
I was just listening to an audio lecture since I'm doing a correspondence course and it was talking about the presumption in our society of maternal instinct and romantic love.
Apparently the conglomeration of lust, friendship, romantic love, devotion etc etc into one be all end all monogamous forever thing is new. Also new is the assumption that everyone has to have this happen or they are monstrous or unlucky. What a pressure, when so many marriages based on love end in divorce.
Apparently the "knight in shining armor" cliche is interesting because it isn't referring to romantic marital all inclusive love as it does now. It's referring to a sexual passionate relationship between a knight in shining armor and a damsel in distress that meet rarely and have other partners in marriage respectively. And the reason they have such passion in their meetings is because they rarely see each other and get to live with someone else.
I love this course because it keeps breaking down these weights I didn't know I felt of societal expectations. First came gender roles, now comes the feeling that I MUST find someone who I find perfect and will forever want to be near and this and that.
Which is a great stress to lose, because I think one of the reasons it's so devastating the first time you learn a relationship you're in won't work out is feeling like you've done something wrong, broken the fairy tale code and now will never love anyone fully. etc etc. Not feeling like there's a distinct happy ending to seek romantically that will be ever fulfilling is sweet. Especially being more aware of shitty romantic couplings in my raising. Like my parents and their siblings and friends parents. etc. etc.
Mad rambles.
mad.
rambles.
And maternal instinct. A great point raised about it is how much information new mothers have to seek out. They don't know where to cut the umbilical cord or how to initially feed or bathe their babies. They have to learn from others or pick it up slowly from societal expectations. Crazy shiz. Real maternal instinct is what a cat has- they go into a secluded place and birth, bite off the cords in the right place and know when to feed and how to bathe their kittens with their tongue. Women aren't cats. And the expectation of a woman to do all primary infant care on their own is so nuts. And the expectation of a woman to instantly love their baby because of chemicals from fetal gestation is nuts since it doesn't always happen that way and thus isn't instinct. In fact, a lot of women have post partum depression. It reminds me of when my friend's mother had another child with a new husband and already had a child to take care of. the husband left the house like... 2 days after she gave birth to do what he does and kept wanting to maintain the same situation at home, so this woman with healing stitches and exhaustion and a newborn and shit is trying to do the freaking laundry all on her own in this house with another kid to take care of too. dear god. someone explain how it seemed logical to isolate us into nuclear family groups and put so much on the woman of home life since it didn't affect a country's economy or anything that kids were being raised. blahblahblah. ag.
It's nice to feel like
there isn't a natural woman I have to be filling the ideals of to be a successful human and woman. There aren't instinctual ways to love or parent or steps to take that I am a failure if I don't take.
It's like...
hey guys! You don't have to be simultaneously motherly and wise and comforting and soft and simultaneously masculine and ball busting and active and simulaneously graceful and thin and simultaneously curvaceous and sexual and nympho and the prettiest and the smartest and know your place and bust out of it but not to much and be nonthreatening AND edgy enough to keep a guy's interest and all of this shit.
it's like...
whoa.
there is no way to be the good girl or the girl everyone loves
because everything requires different qualities that make an incomplete feeling identity
and every image is so different from the others because that makes it "fresh" and it's all just fashion of ego
and yeah.
confusing.
and made up.
and temporary and in this specific locale and time
and somehow benefitting some social structure you may have never linked that quality to and.
geez.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
sweet.

guys,

you are all champs.
might not know it
but ya' are.
you can do it
i know it's all shitty
but whatever
not really too shitty
and it'll make you strong
so believe in yourself
life already is abrasive sorta sometimes
so take care of yourselves
do what you have to do
YOUR DREAMS AND STUFF
don't worry
whatevs
stuff is okay

boy i am dumb
i should go to bed.
i got hives all on my neck and shoulders from kitties. ahhhh!
today i talked to a woman who is all up in the catholic community
and she listened
she was kind and polite
she even let me tell her abortion was complicated and weird
and was like "that okay, i know"
and i was like
gosh. maybe it is cool that there are homegrown communities of people who meet just to do good. just to try and help each other and do things right and support each other.
it was nice to not feel bullied or exiled by churchiness
but like they accepted crazy pondering and pain
and wouldn't engulf me
i think i'm going to do more charity things
blarg

ffff

will i be kk this summer
hope so

saw a pretty boy in the pawn shop
i wanted to skate by him
i wanted to go up to him and say he was pretty
he was hella rugged
except for his angular poochy lip face
GARRRRG HOTNESS
oh well.
i walked in the other direction instead
and took a long way home
so lame.

so many zits.
i'm gonna have money soon
i want to be BRAVE
SURE OF MYSELF
and stuff

i think

i like helping people
should i be a therapist
or get a BFA
or what
oh life
oh life stop being ambiguous

sometimes i want lots of babies.

AM I LIVING THE LIFE I COULD RIGHT NOW
no way to really tell

sometimes want to be a vegan/
love cheese so much

mmmf.

I have a lot of things to mull over.
So.
This summer's plans.
My original plan was:
Work at Tim's for May and June, then quit (even though I said I'd be there all summer to get the job, and thus won't get a reference)
Go to Kentucky for 4 days with my mom for a wedding.
Go to Washington for July and August. Hopefully work at the Comfort Inn. Pay for the lease back home and the lease in Bellingham simultaneously while also paying for food.
File two separate tax returns for two separate countries later...
Go back to Sackville for school and live in leased house again, hopefully working part time somewhere.
So.
Arg. Very confusing.
More things to consider:
Don't want to let down friends in Bellingham.
Would like some of my summer money left over for later things like food.
Could just go to Bellingham for like a week and still probably have a cooperative Tim Hortons. Then I'd be able to pay for the lease in Sackville and food etc in Bellingham. I wouldn't have to work and I would only have one tax return later.
But I don't want to let down friends in Bellingham...
I originally told people I'd be back right after my exams in April
Then I realized my mom can't afford that. I'm used to her having way too much money.
Now I'm worrying about school costs too. My aunt made a fund for us, since she has 3 nieces/ nephews and I'm one. But the value of the canadian dollar has risen so every year we get less when she converts it to pounds.
Egads.
I don't know what to do.
I need to ask her for the money now for correspondence courses.
So that I can try and get out in four years with a double major
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so I can go to grad school
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I can maybe not have a job anyway
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm not used to having responsibilities. Annoying truth! I'm not used to having my own jobs or budgeting or making sense. I used to just be praised because I wasn't having panic attacks and shit.
Now I have to do more than exist, which is fine, totally fine, I obviously want to have some sort of a path anyways
It's just hard. My sister did an undergrad in what she loved and just would call up when she needed more money
I can't do that now, I have to have a direction.
My brother figured this out so much earlier than me, why have I been so goon-ish for as long as I have? He's going to be a lawyer and things.
And my family always says he'll support them in old age and the girls.
WELL FUCK.
I'm not just some useless waif. I can make money... I don't know.
When other people pay for you, it doesn't feel like you own yourself.
I feel indebted. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to feel like I can control my own fate.
I feel like I need to constantly apologize for not having my shit more together.
Anyhow, so I'm definitely bummed I can't be in Bellingham for anything longer than a week to two weeks. I'm bummed I don't really have a way to kind of use that area as a base comfortably right now.
I guess in the end I just have to do what I have to do.
I just feel so often like I'm actively rejecting people in Bellingham when I'm not! I'm tired of having places I go back to with an apologetic affectation and try and connect but then have to leave before I can.
Meh.
If I had just lived in one area for my life, I wouldn't always feel weird like this. I also think I detach too easily when I move. Though I still miss Bellingham people and get reminded of them every day. I just feel like I'm spreading some bad detachment virus when I talk to people. Hm.
I wouldn't be who I am today either though.
And I am glad I moved, just because it helped me learn how to take care of myself and separate a little more from my family and reconnect with them in other ways.
I just wish I ever felt like I was making the right decision. There are always so many decisions I could make.
mmmmm
Life is unpredictable.
Last year my mom around this time was telling me that the cherry blossoms were still out in April and I could be back in time for them.
Now, nope.
I feel confused a lot.
I don't know.
I think it would be best for me if I just stayed here financially.
I think I'll have fun... I just also think I'll feel lonely and a little directionless.
I don't know. Anywhere I go this summer, it's not totally home. ow.
I should stop worrying so much.
I just think about how my actions relate to larger trends I've seen in my actions and then I start overanalyzing.
I miss Bellingham's love. I miss all of the people I love and the nature. It felt like a family. Everyone had been through some weird stuff and the bonds I had were so intense. It was like, we really needed each other. And I really do need people I think still. More than I should, almost in a family-like manner.
Mumble mumble.
Will think about this more later.

This is me writing a blog in a good mood.

Stuff is not ruined guys.
Stuff is not that bad at all.
There is lots of hope and summer inside of everything
and we can dance!
it's getting dark. i should have done more work.
i got a d on my long paper. fuck. very disappointed.
oh well.
i think i did okay today on that final...
here is a good playlist!
http://negativepleasure.tumblr.com/post/521303014/suicidewatch-summer-is-on-the-way-1-the-go
I'm going to go work at the studio and play this playlist.
And maybe make some tea in a thermos.
and i will listen to this playlist! very good times.
if i was to have an ideal night
all of us would bundle up and have a picnic of wine and chocolate and bread on some forest outside and we'd make a fire and party and talk and dance and eat and get drunk and roll around and eat more chocolate and possibly roll into the fire. oops.
i miss saturday morning cartoons
I have to go find emma. I forgot.
Boy I hope I don't lose this scholarship this year.
I hope that I get a job at tim hortons and that I don't have plane ticket prices go up before next tuesday and i hope that i get the comfort inn job in bellingham and a job at ducky's when school starts up and i hope i get exactly a 3.7 and get to keep my scholarship and that my correspondence course plan happens this summer and that i can party down and possibly make out with this one weird guy. and then i hope i get really tan and learn how to skateboard well and start running again and figure out how to get out of school in 4 years.
whatevs.
no big deal
good times are good

ugggggggggggg

fun fact:
i have pent up anger. it comes out in really retarded ways. i don't like being someone who spreads shittiness, so i try and keep it in. then as a result, i glare at the floor when strangers are near me sometimes or i do stupid shit like pounding on josee's roommate's door and ripping off the note she put there and waking up them inside and as a result, actually probably more messing with josee than them.
Urg.
i am so childish.
i feel really destructive in certain parts of me
I try and find ways to channel that energy usually.
a lot of my diary i actually keep physically is anger and frustration and anxiety
because those are things i try and keep in check
i'm trying to not be an asshole but i am naturally compelled to be one.
things written on my growing stomach right now:
- destructive
- deceptive
- blind
- dramatic
- scaredy cat (i am so mature...)
- irritating
- lethargic
- careless
- idiot
- angry fool
- whiny
- fucked
- self indugent
- self obsessed
- childish
- selfish
- bottled

ug. bottled anger for family members i've loved, anyone i've dated etc.
usually not friends.
i'm just.
neh. it's like a combination of a defense mechanism for pain
and a random venting of bottled up childish whines of "whywhywhy?" about random shit i can't even think of clearly at the moment, cause it's usually so random and old and irrelevant.

i walk sometimes like i want to hurt people. it's dumb.

i crash open doors

i yell dramatic stuff

i mutter hopeless things at good friends who don't need it

i curl up and ask for help from people i'll later have to turn away from to preserve myself

i am tired of me usually.

fun bloggggggggggggg

want to behave myself.
arg i am so retarded.

my views on bein a single lady

So I am a single lady
MANY REASONS FOR THIS
include:
- scared of other people getting hurt by me
because everyone is very fragile and i might need to cut things off because it's getting to intense and they'll be sincere and not jaded and thus somehow i will make them jaded
- scared of someone else controlling me
not doing things because i want to but because i'm scared of someone else's emotional potential or want to be a good girlfriend or like them so much i stop being a person
- might affect my schoolwork
brain will turn into mush and i will end up getting addicted to the person or having my priorities change to the point where i only care about their smell or thinking about their bed etc.
- afraid of STDS
my momma trained me good.
basically i don't want them, they'll make me infertile and itchy and possibly dead. and no one gets tested, and everyone doesn't care and you can't test guys for a lot of random stuff
- don't really find anyone in Sackville particularly compelling.
for some reason no one here makes me feel nervous or excited or anything. i feel like i'm pushing it a little.
- scared of getting hurt myself
funny how i'm still scared from the months i lost like 2 years ago
- scared of losing my independence
i worked hard for my mental independence
- don't really like sex as much as i should
don't want to disappoint others/ be disappointed/ seem to go for awkward conservative guys in this regard and I'm also awkward/conservative. i don't have to focus on the fact i might be bad at sex permanently if i'm just not having it
- might lose the person as a friend
people can just shut off relationships in ways that friendships usually don't
- i'm too weird for anyone who would be good for me
yeah this one doesn't make sense
- if i stop trying, i win because i can't get any more frustrated
also doesn't make sense
- i can have more of a life this way
it's been a while since i felt like i SEIZED life or got inspired from being with a guy. it's been a while since i've sort of seen a guy as a role model. so i don't know. i usually feel like i'll just get more confused
- i don't really see there being a lot of fun involved
like what will i learn or what adventures will we have or where will we go etc. because i do that stuff on my own and usually with a guy end up nesting in some gross bed far too often also cutting out their contact with the world
- no one here terrifies me/fascinates me/ i don't get the urge to fix people as much anymore
this is probably good
- i have to change my taste in men but that would involve forcing which doesn't work, it has to happen naturally.
so i wait
- i am too cynical
i will just make the other person more cynical and be THAT girlfriend
blah
blah blah blah
a relationship where both of us really are attached to the other person sounds consuming and scary and like the end of life's essence in us
and shouldn't it do the opposite and spark life essence?
- romance is dead
basically
- people are insincere
including me
- i very easily stop seeing guys like people when i like them to somehow protect myself
- i can't be damned to try
- my emotions are more accessible and malleable and weak and bleedy everywhere- they're less tamable and i lose dignity or sense
- i have more friends without a boyfriend
- i don't want to be reminded of everything i lost again, everything i can't have now i'm not as trusting
booooooooooop

let's explain what i just said:








(that one's not actually relevant.)






EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW
i want to succeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed






AHAHA



cause i'm a tosserrrrrr

prime asshattery


no wait, it's mostly me...


YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

mrah

those who are crap in bed/ hip young things should gain 5 lbs and stop being afraid to get ffffffffffffffreaky.
basically i guess?
want GOOD coffee
want to study better
no more hunching over internet!
oops but i ammmmmmmmmmmm
fart fart
it is so pretty out
we all need to lay in the grass together and SMELLLLLLLLLLLL the awesome earthy growing smells.
more dance parties
less technology
more biking
more roasting sausages over open fires
more seaweed salad
more grape soda
very good business.
more affectionate dogs
sangria
calloused feets
woo woo

where the creepy boys @

D:

I had a few different viewpoints of women's liberation when I was younger. I feel like listing random shit off.
I remember seeing a nude mag in a gas stop in Kentucky when I was in first grade or primary at oldest. It was one of those ones with fake tits and cowboy hats and a flannel shirt with one button and bra ETC. The reason I describe those details was because I felt such an aspiration to be as pretty as her. I went home and found a flannel shirt and did one button, got a hat and everything and then realized for the first time I didn't have boobs. haha. But I wanted to be a special as she seemed.
I remember as well when our nun principal sister Kathy would come into the room asking for some strong boys to help her lift things, when my mother had told me females tended to have better developed strength in fourth grade.
I remember in second grade hearing a friend named Houston and another friend named Doug talking together about watching some show where women ripped their shirts off and shit, and they were really excited. And I wondered why a fully grown adult woman would entertain anyone, even a small child, on the television by exposing herself. Why, I guess, she felt she had to do that. And that was the first time I think I was scared of boys.
I remember really believing in spice girls and thinking what made them so special was that they wouldn't be nice and quiet for anyone- they were always breaking down respect that is held for upper class etc. I didn't really catch the whole constant nips and constant unnecessary petting of strangers, haha. I just thought is was amazing how fearless they were, how they treated everything they met like a toy. And then bein' all pissed when people went for N*Sync after, feeling like they were traitors of our gender. >.< At a spice girls show I saw (!!!), I encountered my first transvestite that was obvious, an adult male dressing as baby spice. What it showed me was that some people WANT to be women and that there is an inherent benefit in being female that was separate of male benefits.
I remember some priest teasing and chiding me in third grade for not wanting to get married.
I remember loving gwen stefani in third grade for being this dress up queen who didn't try and make her voice conventionally pretty in any form, finding her power in yelps and fucked vibratos! Hooray.
I remember watching Wrong Way by Sublime's video on repeat in third grade, watching how some 12 year old could be made into such a target for the others around her because of the fact she was a woman, leering clown dads w/ stogies, horny brothers, prostitution, never okay even after away from the crap.
I remember I used to tell people I wanted to be a belly dancer in first grade and i'd lift up my shirt and wiggle my belly and say it was my aspiration when I grew up. Then we went to Disney World and saw a belly dancer and I was sad and disgusted. She wasn't belly dancing in some performance atmosphere but over people's meat with docile eyes, simply there to be whatever the audience of the restaurant wanted to leer at. So no more belly dancing aspirations.
I remember beauty pageants
and girl scouts gettin' their hair did
and fundamentalist brothers and sisters playing house by having the male direct the caring woman
and one of my girl scout leaders believing women shouldn't vote since they might just choose bill clinton cause he's hotter
and prepubescent girls doing those weird chair humpy dances to britney spears
and telling people my natural home was the woods
Apparently when I was four I did a strip tease for my brother's little soccer team because I wanted attention or something.
Apparently I was insanely crazy.
Female liberation when I was a child was more of a reaction against everyone wanting me to be sweet while the boys were boys. I wanted to freak even the boys out, be a confident wild thing and have any admiration come instead from respect for my crazyness. haha
I remember regretting that in kindergarten I didn't have fangs and a gothy school girl outfit. OHhohohohoho nineties.
I remember feeling superior to the tiny sixth grade girls doing cheers on the parking lot during recess because in kindergarten I could go hoist them up in the air.
I went to an all girls summer camp and never experienced more bizarre festering psychological cases
at the summer camp, we had a day with a dance that involved the all boys camp. the day of, classes were cancelled and girls shaved and styled and dressed and sang ridiculous songs solely for the boys and painted and such
I remember being pissed the boy camp had water slides and they could run around in bare feet.
I remember freaking out when I was in first or second grade because my voice teacher was leaving and came around with presents- she gave me an angel decorated box with mirrors inside and her husband gave my brother a huge bag of cinnamon gum and a tennis ball in a panty hose and my brother got to be physically active and I was left with this useless relic of old time ladylike behaviour and I freaked out because of the injustice. whoooooops spoiled
I also really liked sunflower dresses. I just think I would have really dug some leopard print spandex and sparkly unisuits.
I had blue suede shoes and would try and sing elvis.
I remember crying in third grade because I started realizing the pressure there was to follow a passive domestic lifestyle. I was slouched on some couch and started crying at my mom. Something like, "I hate being a girl. What am I supposed to do. I'm just supposed to lay around and have sex and then have babies and die." and I pictured being the queen ant of some hive and how horrible that role is, being the sacrifice.
And I would try and be a "skate rat"
aaaaaaaand
then there was all that avril lavigne hubub.
Anyhowwww.
I remember in seventh grade, my parents started trying to suggest female vocalists for me to listen to. And I started getting really mad and told my parents I wouldn't pretend to respect women because they hadn't given me a reason to respect them. They hadn't fought hard enough, and if I didn't listen to their music it was their fault since they hadn't tried hard enough and had enough talent to entice me. I didn't want to baby women because I felt like they got babied all of the time and all it had done was cripple their abilities and motivation. I had a lot of hate for women for letting everything that had happened to them happen to them. Why would they take the easy route out and choose so little claim to everything I saw every day? I wanted women to prove themselves to me, and I myself did not feel like I wanted to be a woman if I had to be with all of these women who had given up or been so weak. I felt disappointed.
I carried that sentiment for a long time.
How many women vs. men told you your place as a child?
I don't know about you, but my dad made me feel like a superhero
and my mother wanted to,
but really she just told us about her weight watchers regimen
and how she used to be skinny like us
and the underlying statement was that she was worth less now.
and that we could be worth less based on the physical state of our bodies
our bodies felt instead like they were the society's to judge and determine was is best for.
it's so easy to become disconnected and resentful of the body.
any, how.
I was mostly raised by women at school, punishing my boisterous behaviour, finding the boy's boisterous behaviour more cute.
christian elementary school female teachers can be amazing
or a little misleading
the ones at our school were always pregnant
they were sweet, but you could see the difference in some of their behaviours if they were talking to your mother or father. the respect they would give my father, acting like little girls themselves.
I never felt like that was my dad's fault
I felt like it was my teacher's fault for deciding to do that.

But it's not always a decision
and it took me a while to realize that men don't always get a decision either in this weird cycle we are conditioned into.
and i know all of this is vague and fragmented

I feel like I'm just trying to, even now resolve my anger with women. I have anger with the emotion unpredictability I have linked women to. I have anger with their tactics they use to help oppress each other. I have anger with their taught aversion to adventure. I have anger with the passivity I was taught the women's sexual role in. I have anger with girls playing dumb, or coo-ing their voices, though I find myself doing that a lot.
I do these things.
I can be emotionally unpredictable, to say the least. I can be tactic yet illogical, I can be afraid of taking control of my life path let alone others, I can play dumb and make my voice high and pleasant.
My mom also encouraged mistrust of femininity.
She would tell us how estrogen rotted her brain, making her overemotional since her first child in a way she had never been. She respected her emotion's validities very little if she ever linked them to estrogen, pms, etc. She got us on pills so we couldn't ovulate so we couldn't perpetuate falseness through our femininity. We were free of emotional tears and those moments when introspective behaviours begged for our attention. We were free of desire and unbased ecstacy during ovulation. We would have less pimples and bigger boobs and be prettier and more real.
But how often do neurochemical predispositions affect everyone? People will have their own mood swings from sunlight, from sugar, from temperature, from stress, from anything really.
But I ended up feeling like my emotions were invalid since I was a woman. This made me sensitive, susceptible.
Recently in the car, my mother talked about the good old days again of having the brain of a man when she was younger.
So here is the deal. What if I don't think desire and mood swings are wrong? Why do I have more blame in irresponsible decisions than my brother might?

There are so many things I want to reclaim of being female
I want to reclaim the right to desire, to be an idiot and not feel like I've let down my gender race, to be emotional, to be obnoxious, to love children, to deny people, to deny people, to deny people, to not seek approval in all choices i make, to smile and be a ditz or to sulk and scowl or to be blank. i want to only worry about health and not weight. i want to not have more fear of men than i do of women. i want to continue to act the way i was with a child or fellow female or male if a male enters a room. i don't want to feel like it is my fault if people do or don't like me romantically or feel attracted to me. expressing my sexuality is not always being a tease. i can change my mind, i'm not a mother giving out candy, i'm another pair of eyes and another mind in the room. i want to be able to stand in a kitchen with bare feet and a pregnant tummy and talk about gardening and cooking and child rearing, or go into that other room with the smoking pipes and talk about literature.

my mother never was welcome in that situation i just mentioned, where she was not doing the primary child rearing and did not have a cock. what use was a gynecologist with vigor and tears and strong opinions and ambitions and arrogance and sweetness? what gender does my mother fill?
my dad would make me a costume for a play and the other women of the school would tightly smile and ask if my mom had made it
they respected my mother as they respected a male
but they thought she knew better than her male doctor counterparts in terms of social politics within the hospital, community, etc.
my mom would plumb and my dad would cook
my dad would sit at the head of the table
my mom would decide where we lived
and my dad would sulk and appear castrated.

gender made for role confusion so often when applied to the realities of my two individual parents and the context of our individual situation.

my interest in any female voice other than avril lavigne started in seventh grade with the yeah yeah yeah's master EP and stair step exercise exercises with my sister. the sensual wild yelps were so confident and RIGHT! hoorah!
but i wouldn't tell boys at my school that- i would only listen to ACDC or led zeppelin or dr. dre at school so i'd appear hardcoar
i think tori amos followed because of my interest in NIN
and then.. metric and such and now I don't really worry about listening to female music but it's more than I would have expected upon further study.

one thing that's cool about old time stories like the wizard of oz is the female protagonist
or the madelyn l'engele series did insane spiritual journeys with a mopey girl named meg.

books really are so cool when you're a kid

i remember realizing the violence forced upon boys, and how they're exiled too for not complying to gender expectations with that Wringer book, where he has to wring pidgeon's necks for the community traditional celebration and has hidden a pidgeon friend in his room.

i hid from ever considering males as real approachable people again for a while until i read a book i originally had thought was from a female's perspective- tricked! he felt guilt if he made girls uncomfortable by not controlling himself, he was also hiding ways he was freaking out and could get his heart broken. egads!

i think the first time i had a guy friend i was comfortable around and not manipulated by all the time was probs erik

isn't it cool
how in a few years

or even months
suddenly i have male friends
and don't consider every interaction with a male some underlying sexual attempt

or i like that now i will admit to wanting children
or get trashed and pee on things
and the balance is so good

i think about feminism a lot

and i think the disappointment i felt as a kid with women was just because i knew how strong the women around me were. i knew they had crazy awesome potential and was just confused as to why they weren't listened to with as much respect when they spoke or felt they had less chance of success with things that didn't involve female charms. And I think i actually thought girls were really competent and were just being lazy.

It's nice to see now
all of the vigor and attempt and strength in fellow ladieezzzz
and the amount of respectful males there are in this town
and those who are just themselves
whatever gender those actions are given
just chooses what they wish.
that's wonderful


/huge ramble with no point

"don't try to touch my heart, cause it's darker than you think. and don't try to read my mind, cause it's full of disappearing ink. "
teeheee

Hi
so my name is sally
and i am yelling into a black pixellated box.

i just watched survive style 5+ and it was SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOD
and i realized
how much i try and string things together
and how you don't have to do that
for things to in a way make sense
and be sentimental
and very earnest
things are still touchable and magical if they don't follow a forced linear format
and so i started letting my mind wander
and we talked about a really poor village of quilt makers in the south with insane accents making the most gorgeous quilts and being suddenly worth millions
and maude lewis
and her husband
and how my dad used to call him a bad man from various things he'd heard
and how her husband died 10 years after her when someone broke into the house and there was a confrontation
and the rotting state of the house
and the beauty of it
and mike said something about everything being terrible but beautiful
and
ahhhhhh
i work to make things seem good or sensible a LOT
and things are naturally chaotic
and also naturally tie into one another in profound ways i couldn't make up
and it's not my job to try and order other's perspectives of the universe around in a way
and it's not my job to try and plan far ahead, because it will fail. or try and assume i know what a person will do next or what i'll ever see next
it's hard to lose control
the absence of anything from the past feels very intense to me
but i guess
with this devil may care way
nothing can truly go away either
even when you wish i right
it's just like
oh hey
everything's floating around, it'll interact and form overlying themes on it's own
no worries.
ahhhhhh
okay
thanks

i'll try not to

this is a huge ramble

blah hi

I am waiting for my class registration to load.
My sister did an excellent summary of the funeral. http://poodlesgalore.blogspot.com/2010/03/grannys-funeral.html
I feel far more confused and whiny when I talk about the family.
Lizzy has an amazing cool to her. All of it amuses her. When they do something weird, it doesn't stick to her like it does to me. She admires their truthfulness.
Their truthfulness terrifies me. It's so messy. Dramatic, hysterical.
I think I'm super sensitive to my family hurting.
I just want to be serious whenever I'm around them.
I guess it's good Lizzy helps me have a laugh at them.

give me something i'll find straight forward.
anything.
i can't explain how irritated i am with myself
i don't see my... self as the same person as myself.
i don't trust people easily
and as a result tell pretty much anything to anyone. erlack.
i feel like such a kid.
dramatic, selfish, angry, foolish, nonperceptive, unstable, baby, whiner, scary, annoying, too much UP and down.
want to escape me.

Ta-dah, your personality type is ENFJ!

Extraverted (E) 54% Introverted (I) 46%
Intuitive (N) 64% Sensing (S) 36%
Feeling (F) 80% Thinking (T) 20%
Judging (J) 50% Perceiving (P) 50%

2-5 % of population? i'ma like oprah. heheh.
but...
When did I become extroverted and so feeling????
When I did this when I was 16 I was introverted.
sounds like an annoying person.
i annoy myself a lot.
i want to be appropriate reeeeeeeeeeeeal bad
and i whine so much
i don't want to be whiny.
it's so embarrassing!
i feel so young!
usually i have so much fun talking to me and somewhere in the back of my head, i'm like oh shit. shhhhhhh, you're taking up way too much of this conversation's energy.
i want to be more internally focused so i feel like i bother people less
but i'm also like, the most psychologically healthy i've been in a while.
i just worry about burdening people ALL the freaking time.
today i yelled out over a bridge and my yell was scary and i sounded like i was dying and then i immediately regretted my vigor, thought the cops might be called and worried because my friend has a hearing problem none of us thought of...

bah.
oh well.
i'm not going to worry so hard right now.
just know i try to be quieter all the time and it doesn't work
and if you ever want to tell me to settle, just do it so no one gets mad at me all secretly.

also today was amazing and my life is amazing
mostly because of the people i'm around
they're so interesting
and stable
and fun and kind
and pretty straight forward

i get so much energy from other people.
that's why i worry they may feel drained.
job stress.

excited for summer though.
life story.
listen to laughing with a mouth of blood by saint vincent
smell a combination of old spice, corduroy, sunlight and stale smoke. it's good.

try not to feel apologetic. that's my new focus i guess.
eat darker chocolate
learn to sit in a confident comfortable manner like a gangsta boy
if you know anyone around who want to play noise music, tell mike lumsden or marc gaudet.

i still try an recreate his scent.
dust, sweat, sun, smoke
and then i just smell my hands
and pretend you're here and go back to those moments
when i wasn't mistrusting or tired or dangerously attached to you.
and it's just being
and it's just those moments that are immortalized
because the closest to eternity is right now
and right then and there
without a framework around your conception, no context to these pleasurable memories
just expanses of happiness

boy do i like kissing smokers.
the smell of soft car upholstery in the sun
milky skin
jazz music
pink clouds
sepia tones
everything
it's just a trip

meeeep
lame

look i am writing a post

look i am writing a post oh mah god.
i am at my mom's house and never in my life have i gotten along with my mom this well.
i have a strange combination in me of fun and peace and this really scary panic and feeling of being alone!
like. i make real colourful zines and then they're really personal but also kind of jokes. oh well.
the other day i drew bigfoot looking intense mad with 3 dicks for danielle. and it said love bigfoot in cursive or something. maybe, thinking of you. i love trying to make funny things because so often i feel real heavy.
i go to class in the morning and have this panic in me. it's like acid. and it twists and i feel numb and like i need to jolt up and run somewhere or something but there's nothing to be done. exercise time????? i get so scared of my own fear. it scares me more than much else around me. insanity used to be my fear, now it's my fear. i'm so scared i'll slip into panic attacks. not really for my sake, but just because of how it changes my relationships. which i guess is worrying for my sake regardless. a lot of the reason i ever freak out is because i feel like no one wants me to or will stand beside me. both of those reasons, of why i freak out and why i'm scared are self feeding and neurotic and creepeh.
painting feels
sooooooooooooo good
so does colouring
so does writing
so does chalk pastels
making messes
i just
love it
mmmmmmmmmmmmmyah
i hope i am not someone who needs to constantly go to counselors.
my stomach is driving me crazy.
i wish i didn't worry about my family and past and suchforth as much as i do.
my weird desire to always be better in some way than i am makes me freak out.
i have given up better sexuality
i am trying to be more secure
how dumb
i am excited for bare feet
i really need to know if i have a job
I AM SO SCARED!!!!!!!
i am meeting so many people. HOLY POO!
i focus on myself too much! why do i always feel like i have lil problems? pooooooooooooo again
i need to focus on the friends i have now so i can really connect
what i care about is
art
family
real connections

roots roots roots
how wonderful <3
i want me some roots
i'd like to root someone else

i feel like i use boys i'm with as family members

wish i could forget about family

i'm like. all caught up in identity i guess in general.

colourz are pretty

i wish there were cherry blossoms here

the smell of some boys makes me feel CRAZY DRUGGED

brooooof

i'm getting less personal even when i do personal things with people/ talk about personal things.

it's like i'm not fully anywhere because i'm still thinking about things in the past.

i know i'm trying to recreate a good romance.

i feel like i'm trying to push my boundaries so i can feel like there's something that affects me enough to make me sure of it.

does that make sense?

apparently it's hard to understand me.

and awkward.

i'm playing.

i don't even care when i fuck up.

sometimes i look people in the eyes and smile except my smile is rubber and my eyes are still and i don't care. sometimes i keep my nose to the ground. sometimes i stutter when i talk and get really scared. sometimes i feel really angry at people i pass because there's no way i'll likely connect with many people here in a way that feels meaningful or sincere.

it's coming out of me, i know.

it's like... i'm always feeling like i'm just collecting people and i don't want to do that.
maybe i'm just used to my friends having vice grips on me with all my little worries i have for them. people i know here tend to behave themselves.

sometimes it seems tempting to be an insincere person. i don't do it because of another selfish reason- i don't want to numb myself more.

there was a time when it seemed like i was dating someone if i was with them.

i think. yeah.

sometimes i wish some high peaks of the past little while could lay low for a while so i could fully involve myself in what's happening now a little better.

the sun was really good today. well, okay first i learned i got into fine arts and that was awesome. then i got peanut butter and evaporated cane juice for a project. then i basked in the sun on the way back to the art building and thought, "my dad really is only a little bit away from here. i can talk to him whenever. i can see him whenever. where i live has family history nearby and the surroundings are alive and changing and i am part of it and i am not alone." and then i planned out a costume for a costume party, talked to jamie and got to work and listened to grizzly bear for the first time and they were great!
good day.

sometimes i just think about what image i put out and what i actually mean. and i wonder how often i tell the truth or really know how i feel and i wonder if i'm hard for other people to be around. usually i don't think so but sometimes i wonder if i'm inconsistent or if my enthusiasm seems half assed.

i don't know
this is a ramble
that is actually not that sad of a ramble.

though i've been having dreams that are really symbolic of my unenthusiasm for basic experiences in life.
and i'm having difficulty with handing my essays in in time. i revise revise revise! but i'm actually improving.

i just want to know i can be a good person. i've felt like a bad girlfriend and a bad lover and a bad friend and an unclear person. i dunno. i hope to be a consistent person who can show how much they want things to go well by actually making them go well? more unclear writing.

still rambling.
now i'm not!

i was so happy today. i skipped like a kid and was almost hyperventilating. i felt happy like i did when i was a kid. i like to know there are still those parts in me!

dress up tomorrowz.
my life is so hard. oh gosh. such subtle pain. guys. (makes me think of corinne)

OMAHGAHHHHHH i get to hang out with laura tomorrow
that is so cool

she has a magical wiggly brain

krawww

mah name is sally and how do you not write a narcissistic blog?
music! music music music. is this one band this genre or this other genre?
politics! it all makes me angry. because of this logical reason.
did you know this famous person is coming into town today?
have you ever had a chocolate cake with zucchini to moisten it and cream cheese icing and recess pieces on top and peanut butter cups inside? it's real good.
my cousin hid in a tree hole marina's kid took a poop in earlier. hahaha, we weren't allowed to tell him.
i roasted sausages over an open fire today. usually i don't like meat, but this seemed different! and it was. watching the meat be cooked, the white bubbling fat dripping off as the sausages charred and the amazing rich salty smell. until the sausage was brown and crispy and the drippings were clear- we ate them wrapped up in pieces of my dad's home made bread. I had beer and apple juice as well. we sat on logs and our bums got cold. my relatives talked about music they liked in high school- i talked about differences in places i've been. my aunt thought i was about to graduate college! the cat smokey ran ahead of us and its little paw prints showed 6 toe pads on each foot. on the way out of the woods where we had had our bonfire, dizzy from half a beer, filled with sausages and cake, i looked back and saw my family. my dad in his old vest and boots trodding along, the adventurous dirty blond kids stumbling on sticks and earth and over the snow. patches of orange red forest ground and flattened long grass were now under my feet and ahead were overgrown farm fields, broken wooden fences, rolling land, the barn, my dad's house. a plane was going overhead making a warm swelling of sound and the sun hit me and it was beautiful. the forest behind was clear to see my family through, the scrub still wintery. :] I hadn't felt like my family was with me for a bit and.. this was really cool and nice. It reminded me of a kid's storybook my dad would have read me.
When they got home tonight from their church supper, dad helped me with lolita for a while. he likes to mostly subsist on homemade buns and butter or his oat cookies. his giardia allows him to do this, though it's slowly being fought off from the time he drank in an infected river. until then, he can live this high life of friendly poopage and high carbage. :D
I read to maeve tonight, and actually got into the voices a little and paced it slower and had some conversations about the story and realized it's not something you power through and think about after like i do with my books, it's like, an experience maaaan.
and yes.
also it is very annoying to have kid's books lecture you about good life habits and stuff. not really a rad bedtime story. want stories of awesome adventures, whether in reality or not- it's not like you learn stuff like that without doing it yourself anyhow.
i'm glad kid's tv was so super weird when we were kids. those weirder cartoons didn't assume kids were idiots or use fill in the blank plotlines as much.
i don't talk about all of the good things in life very often!
oops sort of self centered. more pleasant though.
where do you guys plan to travel one day? do any of you plan to take a year off during school or do you feel confident you know what you want out of school right now?

blahblahblah

dear everyone ever who ever existed ever and what notttttt
this house is cold
i have a sweater on and then a sweatshirt and then another sweater
and i'm listening to crystal castles and they're pretty sad people "how do you feel when ya can't feel nothing?" or "just because we don't feel flesh doesn't mean we don't fear death"
mewoowow myahhh
okay
so yesterday i picked back up on "The Summer of Naked Swim Parties" which my mom gave me last summer. I assumed it would be a boring chick lit read, but it was really cool. I finished it today. It was about a girl with nudist pothead parents. they're always trying to find something different to enhance themselves with. they're competitive with those around them in making sure to enjoy things that aren't white man sports, etc. But yeah. She goes to therapy with her family at one point, and every other family there is super duper fucked up. There's a little kid who's adopted name is tugboat, and everyone is super into talkin' about his masturbation. and there's an 8 year old girl breast feeding and the main character jamie gets molested by this crazy ass 15 year old girl who is the therapist's daughter. it made me think about how counterproductive it can be when everyone who is super fucked up joins together to figure out how to make things better. When you think about it, their fuck-up-edness isn't going to pull a double negative and cancel everything out and make them all understand how to act appropriately. It's more like... something psychologically poisonous happened once and now generations that succeed must decide whether to embody the fuckupedness and continue to perpetuate it and the cycle, or if they're going to try and escape to new surroundings and not be as indoctrinated with family fuckupedness. And some people might even choose to love their family, but work through the fuckupedness so that one day when it tries to come bubbling out when they are living their own life, they will know themselves well enough to change how they would naturally react into something that will cleanse the fucked up behaviours.
ramble ramble.
so i think about the whole, diluting disfunction thing a lot because of my family and the disfunction that has diluted through the generations.
i got off the bus yesterday to spend time at my dad's after reading those crazy californian nudist shenanigans, and in the car was feeling like i couldn't keep up my normal, "don't let the fuck-upedness out" barriers. I tried to just not talk. I tried to talk about him. I told myself how annoying I was to always need to talk about intense things. To tax others in this way makes me feel like a real leechy prick chick.
The desire not to tax people anymore is part of why I feel weird and alone in Sackville, even when I'm surrounded by people I've become friends with. I don't know what importance my past holds and my concerns hold. I don't know why I should shove my problems in someone else's face. I left Bellingham because I wanted to try and be normal. I really didn't want to be part of the dilution chain of disfunction when I planned to have a kid some day. I don't want to feel like I'm just putting shit into the world. I don't want to feel like I am a source of confusion. What if some day I'm the one someone has to talk to someone else about? What if I make the fucked up tangles someone else has to work out of their mind so they can be happier? I really want to be normal. I've wanted to feel like a healthy influence for the longest time. I usually feel like a psychological plague. This is an example of reciprocal altruism I guess: I thus always seem to want to talk to people about their problems and philosophy. Not only does it help me sort out my shit, it helps me feel like I can have a positive mark for once. So usually though, I try and be quiet. I don't do it well. I feel bad for not doing it well. I feel bad that I end up hinting at my own anxieties and unhappiness anyhow. But part of those anxieties and unhappiness also come because not a lot of people seem to realize when I slip into an introspection I really should talk about, but need permission to continue with so I don't feel like a total emotionally draining twerp. Either they don't notice I'm proposing something, or they don't think it's in their place to pursue the proposal of a more intimate conversation. Or, they don't want to. Or they just aren't up to it. And these are okay things, you know? This is why I propose the talks subtlely, I don't want to tax anyone. I got taxed a lot when I was younger, my mom would tell me her marital concerns, financial concerns, weird history, I don't know. Some raw stuff I shouldn't have known. Not being able to talk about personal things all the time has helped me to act like a more stable person sometimes I guess. I feel like I understand, at least, the ideal I'm working towards. I can see all of these people who've lived in one place their whole life. Who aren't using drugs to escape, who weren't put in too many weird situations as a kid. Back home in Bellingham, I would be a more stable fixture within my friend group, since a lot of them had gone through much weird stuff. I came here and suddenly felt like the mess.
So I don't know. I'm getting more male friends. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I don't feel like there's anyone I can trust with exposing my burdens to. I think this is normal. I think a lot of people feel this way.
Right now, I'm unsure of where my home is, or what my ideal is for who I want be. I can only appear less whiny for so long. I can only appear serene for so long when I'm worried about who I need to become to not dump more fucking emotional waste into the psyche's I'll interact with. I feel like the anxiousness continues to bubble inside.
My grandmother possibly had some brain damage. She had head trauma during birth and a couple car accidents. She was left alone to tend to her siblings like a mother, and doesn't talk to her other siblings much anymore. She had to eat nerve meats when she was younger, which can cause weird stuff to happen. Anyhow. So. All of her kids are cool but kind of still feeling the brunt of fuck-upedness in things they do. They burned farms, got prison tats, became evangelical christians, etc. etc. Or there are subtle ways their skewed views of reality would emerge. A parallel has recently been drawn between the way my uncle and mother immediately jump to fears of divorce during a marital argument- it's like they just know that things have to fuck up. I mean, they always did in their household growing up. My mother really took away a lot of bullshit from my childhood that she had to face in hers. She diluted it, but some of it still seeps through. I got her anxiety, for a while her eating disorders and I think I still have her insecurity and frustration and cynicism and love of metaphors and poodles. Anyhow. I don't want to put some of that shit that seeped through my momma into my kid. How do I stop that some day? How do I stop myself from trapping myself with shit I think I want that kind of helps to make my life the way I unconsciously have expected it to be from weird things I was taught as a kid? How can I learn to change innate impulses and. nyah. I don't know.
All the shit I sometimes want to talk about, am I a fool for thinking I can talk it out of myself? Is it instead an affection engrained in my personality, to make problems? Can I figure myself out like a little logical word puzzle or a story character?
I think my dad is a huge difference that my mother didn't have growing up. My dad really paid attention to me for a while, and gave me a great upbringing for a while. And after that wasn't too bad at all, he just stopped being present.
So back to getting in the car off of the bus with my dad after reading this book... suddenly I realized how I wasn't going to be able to ignore the hurt I felt much longer of all the times he left. About a month ago I had a dream where the gardens around my house died. My dad was supposed to be taking care of them. My mother's role was kind of to show off the garden, to make it accessible. My dad being a large amount of the magic from my childhood, entering and exiting the scenes as he wished but he really was the sun I tilted to. Sorry for shitty metaphors.
So eventually in this car with my dad, I got over my anger that I couldn't be calm and accommodating for others, that I couldn't keep out of their emotional space. I told him I couldn't just forget all of the times I had really needed him and he hadn't been there. That there were so many times it was like he abandoned me and I wasn't allowed to feel emotional about it. I had gone through so much stuff without an emotionally stable person to help me. My friends loved me, but were going through really similar situations themselves. There were not people in the community I could go to, since I had moved so often. My mother cared. She really cared. She just also couldn't help me/talk to me since she had a lot of the same problems as a kid that she never totally dealt with. I don't know. I had, for a long time, not told my dad just because I needed his guidance so badly whenever he was around and didn't want to drive him away. I finally told him how crazy him entering and leaving mah life had been. And then I even told him about my plans, to be someone who neutralizes fuck-upedness. I want to be someone who can help others realize that what happened in the past doesn't need to affect the present. I think partially because that idea's been so important for me. I still feel guilty about being a dramatic person. But I think I first realized how important that is by oggling my friend Andrea's attitude in 9th grade. :D She would totally appreciate things like cherry blossoms and coffees and the sea and the sky!
I am kind of redundant.
The author lady of the book I just read had this story in the back about how in the 70s, she applied to be a flight attendant and had to answer questions about the colour of her vaginal discharge and fit a certain height to weight body ratio they would be routinely tested on with a scale- if you went over their ratio, they wouldn't hire you. Can you believe how long it took to get some respeks up in here? Isn't that cool that stuff doesn't suck so hard normally? That reminds me of this one story my momma told me about taking a job placement test in school. She got nurse or something I think. And she said... it says I'm in the 98th percentile for 3D rotation knowledge, what does that mean? And the lady said, well that's not included in the criteria for the girl's test. And my momma said, can you run that through like I was a boy? And she got architect as her recommended job.
I've got to call my mom to get a ride with her out of the valley tomorrow, cause she's sleeping in the valley tonight too but goes home to where my bus leaves out of. Anyways. My dad just said, "Your mum really loves you, you know that?" I do. I feel bad I don't praise her that often or anything. I think partially I don't have a crazy intense relationship with her because I can take her for granted since I'm always welcome where she is. I don't know. I feel like a teen buttface in that regard.
I am listening to the cousins. They're a super awesome band. I'm running through the album for the second time tonight.
I am glad my dad gets to be a dad to Marina's kids. He is so good at it when he's around. And I think he's less likely to leave this time.
I should be thankful there's so much I even care enough about to miss, you know? I know some people's dads who don't make eye contact or communicate even in the same room as their kids. What fresh hell is that if their excuse can't be being the only breadmaker?
I freak out about how to be a good person in a relationship. I'm so sure there's something I'm missing that's going to fuck stuff up. Do a lot of people go into relationships hoping to make them work for as long as possible? Have ever gotten into something knowing it won't go anywhere? Are we supposed to only do that if we're sure of our convictions? Do you believe happy long term things can happen? I want to but really kind of assume they'll take a weird turn and fizz out with me being involved. So dang. I guess I just kind of absorb every moment individually, as a separate entity to either immortalize in the happy part of my memories or try and learn from. Is that kinda detatched? I don't like that I analyze as much as I do.
This is a long ass post.
I think I'm going to be an art therapist. Should I not be a therapist? Who is appropriate for that job? My friend in 9th grade had a therapist mom who smoked pot constantly and was kind of emotionally abusive or just not present.
The dog let a really rank fart. So toxic. Not in a sexy way.
My dad has amazing gin called Hendricks. It's got roses and stuff in it.
"The world is full of nice people"- my dad right now talking to himself in the kitchen.
Hope I can get a job for the summar.
I want to learn how to suuuuurf.