I really love my life, personally, right now.
:]
Monday, October 3, 2011
"Radney's gonna lose it"
But he has a therapist appointment tomorrow he's really stoked about.
Says he's all fucked up.
He's married to my mom.
:[
Eh, worrying about your parents is tough.
At least my dad's doing swell! And my brother and sister.
Says he's all fucked up.
He's married to my mom.
:[
Eh, worrying about your parents is tough.
At least my dad's doing swell! And my brother and sister.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Man, it sucks not having money.
I need to stop looking at clothes online.
I feel like a weiner because I want to complain about how much time my family takes from me- while they expect me to be financially independent. I think I'm realizing that nice things they do for me also kind of hold me back, even when that's not the intention. My mom employed me filing for her, and that job ended on the fourth. I found another job just to have to quit because my brother's coming up for a week and then my aunt wants me and Lizzy to come to England for 2 weeks, 3 days. I know I am very lucky, but it's also agitating because I've only made 70 dollars this summer that wasn't because of my parents (my two training shifts at american eagle before I quit). Next summer, I need to just get a job full time that doesn't involve my parents- looking in Moncton from the beginning- which makes that task more possible I hope. The only way I'm getting money is doing gardening and such for my parents- but it's really a pain in the butt- for example, It cost me 70 dollars round trip to get to my dad's and back when I earned 200 working for him. That really cuts into things.. I think I'm supposed to pay for myself in England and I know I can't. I hate being dependent on my parents, but right now I feel like I have no other choice. I know I'm very lucky though. I guess everything has pros and cons. I have enjoyed seeing my family as much as I have this summer.
I've had the most predictable summer yet though, and it was as great as I thought it would be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm learning stuff.
I need to stop looking at clothes online.
I feel like a weiner because I want to complain about how much time my family takes from me- while they expect me to be financially independent. I think I'm realizing that nice things they do for me also kind of hold me back, even when that's not the intention. My mom employed me filing for her, and that job ended on the fourth. I found another job just to have to quit because my brother's coming up for a week and then my aunt wants me and Lizzy to come to England for 2 weeks, 3 days. I know I am very lucky, but it's also agitating because I've only made 70 dollars this summer that wasn't because of my parents (my two training shifts at american eagle before I quit). Next summer, I need to just get a job full time that doesn't involve my parents- looking in Moncton from the beginning- which makes that task more possible I hope. The only way I'm getting money is doing gardening and such for my parents- but it's really a pain in the butt- for example, It cost me 70 dollars round trip to get to my dad's and back when I earned 200 working for him. That really cuts into things.. I think I'm supposed to pay for myself in England and I know I can't. I hate being dependent on my parents, but right now I feel like I have no other choice. I know I'm very lucky though. I guess everything has pros and cons. I have enjoyed seeing my family as much as I have this summer.
I've had the most predictable summer yet though, and it was as great as I thought it would be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm learning stuff.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
hi
I have concluded that I am occasionally a crazy person, but that I should just keep shit in check and all that. Never getting too comfy with the assumption that I make total sense- it's not like... shameful, just human or something. That's okay! I will work to be sensible.
I feel happy with the sense I've gained in comparison to how I used to be, and I know I have a lot more sense to gain. It'd be cool to be a sensible dignified fun lady one day with a garden full of wild roses and hypoallergenic kitties and poodles that get along, and I will listen to rap and things and oil paint outside. <3
I am listening to Busta Rhymes!
I feel like juggalofest might be something I'd do with my sister some day. It might be real scary tho. On the bright side, no juggalos can have pitbulls or anything cause pets aren't allowed. Crahhhhhhh
Crahhhh!
Fritzy is so cute. I called him my little cookie crumble today. It's hard not to get mushy when looking into the little fluffy guy's eyes. :D
I am not at work today because apparently all the desks are taken.
I am rambling. What type of dignified old person would you like to be one day?
I feel happy with the sense I've gained in comparison to how I used to be, and I know I have a lot more sense to gain. It'd be cool to be a sensible dignified fun lady one day with a garden full of wild roses and hypoallergenic kitties and poodles that get along, and I will listen to rap and things and oil paint outside. <3
I am listening to Busta Rhymes!
I feel like juggalofest might be something I'd do with my sister some day. It might be real scary tho. On the bright side, no juggalos can have pitbulls or anything cause pets aren't allowed. Crahhhhhhh
Crahhhh!
Fritzy is so cute. I called him my little cookie crumble today. It's hard not to get mushy when looking into the little fluffy guy's eyes. :D
I am not at work today because apparently all the desks are taken.
I am rambling. What type of dignified old person would you like to be one day?
Monday, June 13, 2011
So, I decided to read an old diary to have a laugh, and I just felt sympathy instead. Whoa, I was heavier than I ever am now! My middle school diary was extra bizarre because I had an eating disorder budding and tried to sound cutesy like cosmogirl magazine type of vibe. Every morning had a sunshine symbol, and I'd just say crazy shit underneath. I definitely ripped it up. The practice of keeping a diary is so strange, well I guess... the way it evolves with age is strange. Initially in my Lisa Frank diary when I was a kid, I talked about my life and stuff I did on the surface. It got a little moodier, complaining about my parents occasionally and then bam!Psycho middle school diary. My high school diary is the most interesting because I can see myself getting more articulate and sensible. I keep a diary these days, but it's more spontaneous.
It's always hard with assigned sketchbooks with fine arts to keep my personal life out of them- it is my art and the like. They end up full of black marker blots and such when it's time to turn them in.
Identity and home seem to have been the biggest reasons I freaked out in all my old diaries. I feel more settled in that stuff now. It's interesting. I feel like the change just from 19 to 20 was big- maybe just because I decided it was big as is dictated by our technical definition of being a teenager from 13-19 and such.
Betty called me calm or something like that today, that was pretty cool. Felt like a champ. I know I'm not always composed though. The biggest reason I seem to spaz out is feeling like stuff is my fault. It is a new idea I'm entertaining that I can just drop it when I feel like things are my fault. I used to not be settled until I felt like I had fixed everything. The problem with putting so much more responsibility on myself than I need to to make things right and such is that I can develop resentment against people and avoid them because I get forced into favors. I'm working at saying no when I don't want to take people places or do them favors or whatever. It's nice. I like feeling like I don't always have to be the nicest person. The nicest people aren't always the happiest or healthiest. Not that being an ass is enlightening and grand or anything, but... I don't know. I'm realizing that there are many good times and places to be "selfish"- a word I was always terrified of being.
It's always hard with assigned sketchbooks with fine arts to keep my personal life out of them- it is my art and the like. They end up full of black marker blots and such when it's time to turn them in.
Identity and home seem to have been the biggest reasons I freaked out in all my old diaries. I feel more settled in that stuff now. It's interesting. I feel like the change just from 19 to 20 was big- maybe just because I decided it was big as is dictated by our technical definition of being a teenager from 13-19 and such.
Betty called me calm or something like that today, that was pretty cool. Felt like a champ. I know I'm not always composed though. The biggest reason I seem to spaz out is feeling like stuff is my fault. It is a new idea I'm entertaining that I can just drop it when I feel like things are my fault. I used to not be settled until I felt like I had fixed everything. The problem with putting so much more responsibility on myself than I need to to make things right and such is that I can develop resentment against people and avoid them because I get forced into favors. I'm working at saying no when I don't want to take people places or do them favors or whatever. It's nice. I like feeling like I don't always have to be the nicest person. The nicest people aren't always the happiest or healthiest. Not that being an ass is enlightening and grand or anything, but... I don't know. I'm realizing that there are many good times and places to be "selfish"- a word I was always terrified of being.
Monday, June 6, 2011
okay guyz
This is a happier layout than my last one to signify that I am like, happier or something. I got this. Let's go.
Things I am enjoying cooking right now INCLUDE:
- my dad's layered salad. It goes: thin sliced tomato, mozzarella, green olives, parsley, thin sliced tomato... etc etc etc. Then topped with some olive oil and pepper.
- Chicken noodle soup. I had no idea it was so comforting! Boiling some chicken remnants, taking out the chicken remnants, putting in a broillion cube, breaking spaghetti into little bits, parsley, celery, I am a champ. Eat that shit in a mug! :]
- raspberry tarts. In which small tart shells are purchased from the frozen section and baked. chocolate chips, cream, and a little salt are mixed in a pot that has been placed on top of another pot full of boiling water. Chocolate mixture is dolloped into shells, raspberries are inserted in chocolate goo.
- Elvis presley sandwiches.
yeh.
I would like to make a soup that would have boiled potatoes, baked squishy garlic, boiled leeks, cheese, etc etc. My dad calls it doctor soup. It's insane. Then the whole thing is blended. I don't want to do this with my tiny food processor so I'm waiting until I have a hand held blender thing.
In the words of Steve Albini:
"How did people make soup before stick blenders? They are the absolute stone cold nuts. You can fuck up a soup real bad and a stick blender will totally make it presentable. Having a stick blender is like a cheat code for Call Of Duty: Soup."
Here's my dad's recipe that is AMAZING if you want to try it and tell me how it goes :]
"1. make chicken stock or a celery-based vegetable stock
2. heat oven to 350 and cut across the tops of 3 bulbs of garlic, 1/4 inch into the bulb creating a flat top and exposing some cloves. dab tops of bulbs w olive oil, wrap them in foil (or put in small oven proof bowl w a lid). Put garlic in preheated oven for 1 hour.
3. Get a bunch of leeks....3 or 4...cut off roots, cut lengthwise quartering the leeks, and wash leeks well getting all the grit out. Get rid of the darkest green of the leaves, then put on board and slice up leeks finely.
4. Heat 1/3 cup olive oil in large pot and add leeks. Cook over medium heat 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
5. peel and cube 3 lbs of potatoes (make 1" cubes). Add potatoes to leeks with 6 cups chicken (or vegetable stock , see above). Add salt (go carefully here, you can ruin the whole dish in one go) and black pepper...taste as you go.
6. Bring to boil and simmer 20 minutes Or until potatoes tender.
7. RECIPE says: "Squeeze soft garlic into container of a blender, discarding the papery skins. Add 3 cups of the leek mixture (ie. the simmering soup) and blend till smooth. Add back to pan then use a potato masher or mixer to smooth out the soup a little, leaving some chunks in the soup (as desired). Add milk (2 cups) and bring to boil. Remove from heat and add 1 cup sharp cheddar (grated), if desired."
you could top it w chopped chives...have some crunchy bread"
Hm. Happiness comes a lot from cooking I guess
Other shit that makes me happy:
- Not being afraid of peace and quiet
- Having money for food
- Having my room all decorated finally
- Wearing shorts
- Having an awesome roommate!
- Drinking tea and milk. :3
- Naps
- My window overlooking a picturesque lot for sale
- Enjoying reading books! Right now I am reading "The Cloud Atlas". It's a compilation of short-ish stories that weave into one another even though they are different times, places, people. Very sci-fi, but still on this earth. Is that fantasy? I don't know. I feel so absorbed when I read it. There's something about reading, it feels a little like you're pressing reset on your brain.
- Jamie :] <3
- This is dumb, but I think I have completed my collection of clothing. o_o
Except for these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/bottoms/tribal-shorts.html (in red)
these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/shoes/rush.html
and these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/accessories/swimwear/oksana-swim-suit.html
Then I will be done. I swear (haha.).
But no, seriously, I'm suddenly realizing that my life couldn't get better just because I was dressed like a super modern saucy wench. It's not like suddenly I'd be in constant ecstasy because I made other ladies jealous. And it's funny too, because I feel like I couldn't find myself any more beautiful than I do. Sorry to be conceited- maybe it's just that I'm realizing most women seem to print mental problems onto their body as their body's fault- but I'm kind of just... friends with my external face now. Christ. heh.
ON A SEPARATE NOTE
I want to get crunk with people and have spastic dance parties some time. I don't know. I am usually more of a homebody. This would be a fun way to punctuate summer.
Bye!
Things I am enjoying cooking right now INCLUDE:
- my dad's layered salad. It goes: thin sliced tomato, mozzarella, green olives, parsley, thin sliced tomato... etc etc etc. Then topped with some olive oil and pepper.
- Chicken noodle soup. I had no idea it was so comforting! Boiling some chicken remnants, taking out the chicken remnants, putting in a broillion cube, breaking spaghetti into little bits, parsley, celery, I am a champ. Eat that shit in a mug! :]
- raspberry tarts. In which small tart shells are purchased from the frozen section and baked. chocolate chips, cream, and a little salt are mixed in a pot that has been placed on top of another pot full of boiling water. Chocolate mixture is dolloped into shells, raspberries are inserted in chocolate goo.
- Elvis presley sandwiches.
yeh.
I would like to make a soup that would have boiled potatoes, baked squishy garlic, boiled leeks, cheese, etc etc. My dad calls it doctor soup. It's insane. Then the whole thing is blended. I don't want to do this with my tiny food processor so I'm waiting until I have a hand held blender thing.
In the words of Steve Albini:
"How did people make soup before stick blenders? They are the absolute stone cold nuts. You can fuck up a soup real bad and a stick blender will totally make it presentable. Having a stick blender is like a cheat code for Call Of Duty: Soup."
Here's my dad's recipe that is AMAZING if you want to try it and tell me how it goes :]
"1. make chicken stock or a celery-based vegetable stock
2. heat oven to 350 and cut across the tops of 3 bulbs of garlic, 1/4 inch into the bulb creating a flat top and exposing some cloves. dab tops of bulbs w olive oil, wrap them in foil (or put in small oven proof bowl w a lid). Put garlic in preheated oven for 1 hour.
3. Get a bunch of leeks....3 or 4...cut off roots, cut lengthwise quartering the leeks, and wash leeks well getting all the grit out. Get rid of the darkest green of the leaves, then put on board and slice up leeks finely.
4. Heat 1/3 cup olive oil in large pot and add leeks. Cook over medium heat 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
5. peel and cube 3 lbs of potatoes (make 1" cubes). Add potatoes to leeks with 6 cups chicken (or vegetable stock , see above). Add salt (go carefully here, you can ruin the whole dish in one go) and black pepper...taste as you go.
6. Bring to boil and simmer 20 minutes Or until potatoes tender.
7. RECIPE says: "Squeeze soft garlic into container of a blender, discarding the papery skins. Add 3 cups of the leek mixture (ie. the simmering soup) and blend till smooth. Add back to pan then use a potato masher or mixer to smooth out the soup a little, leaving some chunks in the soup (as desired). Add milk (2 cups) and bring to boil. Remove from heat and add 1 cup sharp cheddar (grated), if desired."
you could top it w chopped chives...have some crunchy bread"
Hm. Happiness comes a lot from cooking I guess
Other shit that makes me happy:
- Not being afraid of peace and quiet
- Having money for food
- Having my room all decorated finally
- Wearing shorts
- Having an awesome roommate!
- Drinking tea and milk. :3
- Naps
- My window overlooking a picturesque lot for sale
- Enjoying reading books! Right now I am reading "The Cloud Atlas". It's a compilation of short-ish stories that weave into one another even though they are different times, places, people. Very sci-fi, but still on this earth. Is that fantasy? I don't know. I feel so absorbed when I read it. There's something about reading, it feels a little like you're pressing reset on your brain.
- Jamie :] <3
- This is dumb, but I think I have completed my collection of clothing. o_o
Except for these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/bottoms/tribal-shorts.html (in red)
these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/shoes/rush.html
and these:
http://needsupply.com/womens/accessories/swimwear/oksana-swim-suit.html
Then I will be done. I swear (haha.).
But no, seriously, I'm suddenly realizing that my life couldn't get better just because I was dressed like a super modern saucy wench. It's not like suddenly I'd be in constant ecstasy because I made other ladies jealous. And it's funny too, because I feel like I couldn't find myself any more beautiful than I do. Sorry to be conceited- maybe it's just that I'm realizing most women seem to print mental problems onto their body as their body's fault- but I'm kind of just... friends with my external face now. Christ. heh.
ON A SEPARATE NOTE
I want to get crunk with people and have spastic dance parties some time. I don't know. I am usually more of a homebody. This would be a fun way to punctuate summer.
Bye!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
In the summer I often get a distinct feeling that I am very alone, kind of off the the side while other people are sharing in this miraculous atmosphere of friendship I forgot to foster all school year. I get depressed and aimless and anxious really easily and start being a grump around boys I'm dating because I feel like I'm a pitstop as they have a more exciting life than me. So... just. in general very isolated and confused and sad and irritated with myself.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hey guyz
I'm gonna write a blog while in class. Cause. It'll be rambly.
Sometimes I feel like a huge twat. One time in the summer I had half a head of stub and half a head of hair and a two headed cat shirt and american apparel shorts and ripped up keds and I was smoking and complaining and then realized that I was a gigantic twat. It's real rough when it hits you in the face.
Sometimes, it's real fun to be a twat. But mostly in the summer. The time of ultimate decadence and scariness! You don't need to plan your clothing to be warm or nothing and everyone's just lazing around, super duper poor. It excites me but it's almost awful because it's like how my life could be all the time if I was almost a hobo in california in some tiny nowhere town. So much freedom but also very little to fall back on. I can eat candy until I puke and my teeth fall out and then go to the food bank or mooch off my friends. Scary things indeed
Koval just said the first word of her sentence with a british accent after someone with a british accent answered a question
I am allergic to my roommates cat atilla. It's making our relationship strained. I can't pet him. Now I can't even let him out cause Amanda doesn't want him out- he fights. So all I can do now is tell him to stop meowing. It's rough. I want to cradle him like a big fluff baby and smoosh my face into him.
I hope I get a job this summer that doesn't involve getting snarked at/ making food. That is unlikely. I can't even get excited about my sister inviting me to spain, because I'm supposed to have money for this that I don't have...
I'm so weird because I mostly worry about getting my heart broken/ breaking someone else's heart/ missing art opportunities/ being poor/ working minimum wage/ getting sick (that happens to me a lot)- I guess because this point in my life feels very vulnerable and ready for all of these things
And all these things happened last summer.
Merp. I worry too much.
My roommate's rat had seven rat babies. They look like tiny puppies!!! They squeak when ophelia accidentally steps on then. She breastfeeds them! It's crazy! Tiny mammals!
Rats are so cute and squishy and crawly and smart and they never poop on you. They like you to put them on your shoulder and give them little bits of your food- then they chatter with happiness near your ear.
I really want a female rat in my roooooom to be my buddy
If I get worried when I'm poor, I shouldn't be in art school should I? hhhhhhh
If not a little chocolate coloured rat, a little chocolate coloured poodly doodly should do. :D
I have too many emotions. I woke up in a random hour and a half state of anger about nothing last morning, and then last night when I showered, I felt a lot of guilt. I feel great right now. When I have emotions that are strange, there is a voice in my head that goes "TYPICAL WOMAN!" and I'm like "yesus chist, shush you. everyone's ridiculous." I used to have a worse voice in my head than that. It'd be like "you're such a ridiculous girl. you are a ridiculous friend and girlfriend. You talk too much." That voice is no longer there. I feel like I internalized stupid self talk I'm now getting rid of. Maybe from like middle school or high school or something. I wonder what voices chastise other people- how those politically incorrect chastisers sometimes nag them.
I love toast + pb + banana + honey + cinnamon! with a cup of dark dark french roast coffee. <3 yessssss
I love sharing food with friends
I don't like when people hover when I'm making things so I have to give them some though. That's weird. They should just ask for a taste after and see if I'm feeling wealthy enough to give them more. My favorite meals are breakfast and lunch. Dinner is too much. Dinner is just redonk. Why is the nicest meal right at the end of the day when you're tired? Lunch should be most intense. :D
I'd like to do en plein air painting this summer :D
I'm gonna miss the sunporch. It was such a nice addiction to the awesome house I was just in.
My life is really good guys. I can't complain at all. I'm scared about what I'll do for money, but I'll do something. I have to be braaaaaave
nyeh
I'm gonna write a blog while in class. Cause. It'll be rambly.
Sometimes I feel like a huge twat. One time in the summer I had half a head of stub and half a head of hair and a two headed cat shirt and american apparel shorts and ripped up keds and I was smoking and complaining and then realized that I was a gigantic twat. It's real rough when it hits you in the face.
Sometimes, it's real fun to be a twat. But mostly in the summer. The time of ultimate decadence and scariness! You don't need to plan your clothing to be warm or nothing and everyone's just lazing around, super duper poor. It excites me but it's almost awful because it's like how my life could be all the time if I was almost a hobo in california in some tiny nowhere town. So much freedom but also very little to fall back on. I can eat candy until I puke and my teeth fall out and then go to the food bank or mooch off my friends. Scary things indeed
Koval just said the first word of her sentence with a british accent after someone with a british accent answered a question
I am allergic to my roommates cat atilla. It's making our relationship strained. I can't pet him. Now I can't even let him out cause Amanda doesn't want him out- he fights. So all I can do now is tell him to stop meowing. It's rough. I want to cradle him like a big fluff baby and smoosh my face into him.
I hope I get a job this summer that doesn't involve getting snarked at/ making food. That is unlikely. I can't even get excited about my sister inviting me to spain, because I'm supposed to have money for this that I don't have...
I'm so weird because I mostly worry about getting my heart broken/ breaking someone else's heart/ missing art opportunities/ being poor/ working minimum wage/ getting sick (that happens to me a lot)- I guess because this point in my life feels very vulnerable and ready for all of these things
And all these things happened last summer.
Merp. I worry too much.
My roommate's rat had seven rat babies. They look like tiny puppies!!! They squeak when ophelia accidentally steps on then. She breastfeeds them! It's crazy! Tiny mammals!
Rats are so cute and squishy and crawly and smart and they never poop on you. They like you to put them on your shoulder and give them little bits of your food- then they chatter with happiness near your ear.
I really want a female rat in my roooooom to be my buddy
If I get worried when I'm poor, I shouldn't be in art school should I? hhhhhhh
If not a little chocolate coloured rat, a little chocolate coloured poodly doodly should do. :D
I have too many emotions. I woke up in a random hour and a half state of anger about nothing last morning, and then last night when I showered, I felt a lot of guilt. I feel great right now. When I have emotions that are strange, there is a voice in my head that goes "TYPICAL WOMAN!" and I'm like "yesus chist, shush you. everyone's ridiculous." I used to have a worse voice in my head than that. It'd be like "you're such a ridiculous girl. you are a ridiculous friend and girlfriend. You talk too much." That voice is no longer there. I feel like I internalized stupid self talk I'm now getting rid of. Maybe from like middle school or high school or something. I wonder what voices chastise other people- how those politically incorrect chastisers sometimes nag them.
I love toast + pb + banana + honey + cinnamon! with a cup of dark dark french roast coffee. <3 yessssss
I love sharing food with friends
I don't like when people hover when I'm making things so I have to give them some though. That's weird. They should just ask for a taste after and see if I'm feeling wealthy enough to give them more. My favorite meals are breakfast and lunch. Dinner is too much. Dinner is just redonk. Why is the nicest meal right at the end of the day when you're tired? Lunch should be most intense. :D
I'd like to do en plein air painting this summer :D
I'm gonna miss the sunporch. It was such a nice addiction to the awesome house I was just in.
My life is really good guys. I can't complain at all. I'm scared about what I'll do for money, but I'll do something. I have to be braaaaaave
nyeh
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Man
I have a crazy capacity for guilt.
But I have every right to date someone, it's been long enough I think. I just feel like I'm somehow being pretty inappropriate. Every little thing makes me guilty.
I worry about if I'm being a good person all the time.
I feel like I spend too much money
I feel like I'm too confident
I feel like I'm simultaneously too fragile and durable
I find my conception that I am not a fully formed version of myself unless I'm single interesting
Since I date anyways
I'm trying hard to do the best job right now and I don't even know what that means.
I feel like I don't have enough time.
Vaaaaaague
I don't feel able to connect with many people right now
I don't know if I'm a nice person at heart. I think it's really dumb I'm worrying about this. I wish I could just tattoo sorry on my head, but obviously it wouldn't be sincere enough.
My brain is juggling lots of thoughts.
But at the same time I am proud of how many thoughts and worries I could juggle, I am not accepting. I hope I can just improve from here
Often my mental space is either blank or frenzied.
I feel best when I'm being creative.
Summer is scary. So unstructured.
I have a crazy capacity for guilt.
But I have every right to date someone, it's been long enough I think. I just feel like I'm somehow being pretty inappropriate. Every little thing makes me guilty.
I worry about if I'm being a good person all the time.
I feel like I spend too much money
I feel like I'm too confident
I feel like I'm simultaneously too fragile and durable
I find my conception that I am not a fully formed version of myself unless I'm single interesting
Since I date anyways
I'm trying hard to do the best job right now and I don't even know what that means.
I feel like I don't have enough time.
Vaaaaaague
I don't feel able to connect with many people right now
I don't know if I'm a nice person at heart. I think it's really dumb I'm worrying about this. I wish I could just tattoo sorry on my head, but obviously it wouldn't be sincere enough.
My brain is juggling lots of thoughts.
But at the same time I am proud of how many thoughts and worries I could juggle, I am not accepting. I hope I can just improve from here
Often my mental space is either blank or frenzied.
I feel best when I'm being creative.
Summer is scary. So unstructured.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Words don't work as well as they used to. I don't think that there are as many useful things I can contribute to a situation by talking as I used to. Talking is fun I guess... sometimes it works. Sometimes when I talk it feels like I'm filling up a clean space with something that stains. I musta just talked myself raw. I'm still chatty as eff, it's just... I'm realizing sometimes there's nothing you can say that will fit what you think.
uhhhh
nutella!
I have a blackhead on my lip??? ;-;
I can make latte's!
I want to hike and do exercise!
I'm happy!
I'm feeling like I'm making sense of things
Today I ran to the bathroom and I did the most efficient bolt without really paying attention and realized I knew the contours of my house perfectly and that it felt like home. More than either of my parents homes do. It feels like home the way houses used to feel. I'm going to miss this house! I love the kitchen and the tea cabinet in my room.
Mew
uhhhh
nutella!
I have a blackhead on my lip??? ;-;
I can make latte's!
I want to hike and do exercise!
I'm happy!
I'm feeling like I'm making sense of things
Today I ran to the bathroom and I did the most efficient bolt without really paying attention and realized I knew the contours of my house perfectly and that it felt like home. More than either of my parents homes do. It feels like home the way houses used to feel. I'm going to miss this house! I love the kitchen and the tea cabinet in my room.
Mew
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010 summed
- started actually getting into dancing, not being shy and uncomfortable about jovial thingies
- freaked out i couldn't go to bellingham
- job at tims, first job ever, first time totally supporting self in sackville over summer
- living with someone I was in a relationship with for the first time ever- realizing what a glue that makes
- depression
- 3 months of obsession and embarrassment and sad frustrating confusion
- working on being less of a bleeding heart/ dramatic type. Working on making do with what is given and being happy for it and trying to have the best perspective possible
- considering that being single isn't just a period between relationships and that i should only really rely on myself and shouldn't assume i'd live with someone for the rest of my life or that that would always be the best choice
- trying to be more strong than i got taught
- feeling like a traveler still
- strange increase in confidence and bravery
- got the balls to switch to fine arts from sciences
- "you can't sit around waiting to be wounded"
- so for now, i feel a little like i dislike sitting around. caught up in school work.
- pretty good grades!
- shifted from seeing myself as a lost child to more of an older mentor type for myself, which is very good
- sometimes i think i make myself be too tough, but it's better than the alternative
- lost a lot of fear
- need to avoid cynicism, fatalism, bitterness
- still feel more isolated than i should
- perspective is key
- and doing work
yup.
- started actually getting into dancing, not being shy and uncomfortable about jovial thingies
- freaked out i couldn't go to bellingham
- job at tims, first job ever, first time totally supporting self in sackville over summer
- living with someone I was in a relationship with for the first time ever- realizing what a glue that makes
- depression
- 3 months of obsession and embarrassment and sad frustrating confusion
- working on being less of a bleeding heart/ dramatic type. Working on making do with what is given and being happy for it and trying to have the best perspective possible
- considering that being single isn't just a period between relationships and that i should only really rely on myself and shouldn't assume i'd live with someone for the rest of my life or that that would always be the best choice
- trying to be more strong than i got taught
- feeling like a traveler still
- strange increase in confidence and bravery
- got the balls to switch to fine arts from sciences
- "you can't sit around waiting to be wounded"
- so for now, i feel a little like i dislike sitting around. caught up in school work.
- pretty good grades!
- shifted from seeing myself as a lost child to more of an older mentor type for myself, which is very good
- sometimes i think i make myself be too tough, but it's better than the alternative
- lost a lot of fear
- need to avoid cynicism, fatalism, bitterness
- still feel more isolated than i should
- perspective is key
- and doing work
yup.
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