"don't try to touch my heart, cause it's darker than you think. and don't try to read my mind, cause it's full of disappearing ink. "
teeheee

Hi
so my name is sally
and i am yelling into a black pixellated box.

i just watched survive style 5+ and it was SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOD
and i realized
how much i try and string things together
and how you don't have to do that
for things to in a way make sense
and be sentimental
and very earnest
things are still touchable and magical if they don't follow a forced linear format
and so i started letting my mind wander
and we talked about a really poor village of quilt makers in the south with insane accents making the most gorgeous quilts and being suddenly worth millions
and maude lewis
and her husband
and how my dad used to call him a bad man from various things he'd heard
and how her husband died 10 years after her when someone broke into the house and there was a confrontation
and the rotting state of the house
and the beauty of it
and mike said something about everything being terrible but beautiful
and
ahhhhhh
i work to make things seem good or sensible a LOT
and things are naturally chaotic
and also naturally tie into one another in profound ways i couldn't make up
and it's not my job to try and order other's perspectives of the universe around in a way
and it's not my job to try and plan far ahead, because it will fail. or try and assume i know what a person will do next or what i'll ever see next
it's hard to lose control
the absence of anything from the past feels very intense to me
but i guess
with this devil may care way
nothing can truly go away either
even when you wish i right
it's just like
oh hey
everything's floating around, it'll interact and form overlying themes on it's own
no worries.
ahhhhhh
okay
thanks

i'll try not to

this is a huge ramble

blah hi

I am waiting for my class registration to load.
My sister did an excellent summary of the funeral. http://poodlesgalore.blogspot.com/2010/03/grannys-funeral.html
I feel far more confused and whiny when I talk about the family.
Lizzy has an amazing cool to her. All of it amuses her. When they do something weird, it doesn't stick to her like it does to me. She admires their truthfulness.
Their truthfulness terrifies me. It's so messy. Dramatic, hysterical.
I think I'm super sensitive to my family hurting.
I just want to be serious whenever I'm around them.
I guess it's good Lizzy helps me have a laugh at them.

give me something i'll find straight forward.
anything.
i can't explain how irritated i am with myself
i don't see my... self as the same person as myself.
i don't trust people easily
and as a result tell pretty much anything to anyone. erlack.
i feel like such a kid.
dramatic, selfish, angry, foolish, nonperceptive, unstable, baby, whiner, scary, annoying, too much UP and down.
want to escape me.

Ta-dah, your personality type is ENFJ!

Extraverted (E) 54% Introverted (I) 46%
Intuitive (N) 64% Sensing (S) 36%
Feeling (F) 80% Thinking (T) 20%
Judging (J) 50% Perceiving (P) 50%

2-5 % of population? i'ma like oprah. heheh.
but...
When did I become extroverted and so feeling????
When I did this when I was 16 I was introverted.
sounds like an annoying person.
i annoy myself a lot.
i want to be appropriate reeeeeeeeeeeeal bad
and i whine so much
i don't want to be whiny.
it's so embarrassing!
i feel so young!
usually i have so much fun talking to me and somewhere in the back of my head, i'm like oh shit. shhhhhhh, you're taking up way too much of this conversation's energy.
i want to be more internally focused so i feel like i bother people less
but i'm also like, the most psychologically healthy i've been in a while.
i just worry about burdening people ALL the freaking time.
today i yelled out over a bridge and my yell was scary and i sounded like i was dying and then i immediately regretted my vigor, thought the cops might be called and worried because my friend has a hearing problem none of us thought of...

bah.
oh well.
i'm not going to worry so hard right now.
just know i try to be quieter all the time and it doesn't work
and if you ever want to tell me to settle, just do it so no one gets mad at me all secretly.

also today was amazing and my life is amazing
mostly because of the people i'm around
they're so interesting
and stable
and fun and kind
and pretty straight forward

i get so much energy from other people.
that's why i worry they may feel drained.
job stress.

excited for summer though.
life story.
listen to laughing with a mouth of blood by saint vincent
smell a combination of old spice, corduroy, sunlight and stale smoke. it's good.

try not to feel apologetic. that's my new focus i guess.
eat darker chocolate
learn to sit in a confident comfortable manner like a gangsta boy
if you know anyone around who want to play noise music, tell mike lumsden or marc gaudet.

i still try an recreate his scent.
dust, sweat, sun, smoke
and then i just smell my hands
and pretend you're here and go back to those moments
when i wasn't mistrusting or tired or dangerously attached to you.
and it's just being
and it's just those moments that are immortalized
because the closest to eternity is right now
and right then and there
without a framework around your conception, no context to these pleasurable memories
just expanses of happiness

boy do i like kissing smokers.
the smell of soft car upholstery in the sun
milky skin
jazz music
pink clouds
sepia tones
everything
it's just a trip

meeeep
lame

look i am writing a post

look i am writing a post oh mah god.
i am at my mom's house and never in my life have i gotten along with my mom this well.
i have a strange combination in me of fun and peace and this really scary panic and feeling of being alone!
like. i make real colourful zines and then they're really personal but also kind of jokes. oh well.
the other day i drew bigfoot looking intense mad with 3 dicks for danielle. and it said love bigfoot in cursive or something. maybe, thinking of you. i love trying to make funny things because so often i feel real heavy.
i go to class in the morning and have this panic in me. it's like acid. and it twists and i feel numb and like i need to jolt up and run somewhere or something but there's nothing to be done. exercise time????? i get so scared of my own fear. it scares me more than much else around me. insanity used to be my fear, now it's my fear. i'm so scared i'll slip into panic attacks. not really for my sake, but just because of how it changes my relationships. which i guess is worrying for my sake regardless. a lot of the reason i ever freak out is because i feel like no one wants me to or will stand beside me. both of those reasons, of why i freak out and why i'm scared are self feeding and neurotic and creepeh.
painting feels
sooooooooooooo good
so does colouring
so does writing
so does chalk pastels
making messes
i just
love it
mmmmmmmmmmmmmyah
i hope i am not someone who needs to constantly go to counselors.
my stomach is driving me crazy.
i wish i didn't worry about my family and past and suchforth as much as i do.
my weird desire to always be better in some way than i am makes me freak out.
i have given up better sexuality
i am trying to be more secure
how dumb
i am excited for bare feet
i really need to know if i have a job
I AM SO SCARED!!!!!!!
i am meeting so many people. HOLY POO!
i focus on myself too much! why do i always feel like i have lil problems? pooooooooooooo again
i need to focus on the friends i have now so i can really connect
what i care about is
art
family
real connections

roots roots roots
how wonderful <3
i want me some roots
i'd like to root someone else

i feel like i use boys i'm with as family members

wish i could forget about family

i'm like. all caught up in identity i guess in general.

colourz are pretty

i wish there were cherry blossoms here

the smell of some boys makes me feel CRAZY DRUGGED

brooooof

i'm getting less personal even when i do personal things with people/ talk about personal things.

it's like i'm not fully anywhere because i'm still thinking about things in the past.

i know i'm trying to recreate a good romance.

i feel like i'm trying to push my boundaries so i can feel like there's something that affects me enough to make me sure of it.

does that make sense?

apparently it's hard to understand me.

and awkward.

i'm playing.

i don't even care when i fuck up.

sometimes i look people in the eyes and smile except my smile is rubber and my eyes are still and i don't care. sometimes i keep my nose to the ground. sometimes i stutter when i talk and get really scared. sometimes i feel really angry at people i pass because there's no way i'll likely connect with many people here in a way that feels meaningful or sincere.

it's coming out of me, i know.

it's like... i'm always feeling like i'm just collecting people and i don't want to do that.
maybe i'm just used to my friends having vice grips on me with all my little worries i have for them. people i know here tend to behave themselves.

sometimes it seems tempting to be an insincere person. i don't do it because of another selfish reason- i don't want to numb myself more.

there was a time when it seemed like i was dating someone if i was with them.

i think. yeah.

sometimes i wish some high peaks of the past little while could lay low for a while so i could fully involve myself in what's happening now a little better.

the sun was really good today. well, okay first i learned i got into fine arts and that was awesome. then i got peanut butter and evaporated cane juice for a project. then i basked in the sun on the way back to the art building and thought, "my dad really is only a little bit away from here. i can talk to him whenever. i can see him whenever. where i live has family history nearby and the surroundings are alive and changing and i am part of it and i am not alone." and then i planned out a costume for a costume party, talked to jamie and got to work and listened to grizzly bear for the first time and they were great!
good day.

sometimes i just think about what image i put out and what i actually mean. and i wonder how often i tell the truth or really know how i feel and i wonder if i'm hard for other people to be around. usually i don't think so but sometimes i wonder if i'm inconsistent or if my enthusiasm seems half assed.

i don't know
this is a ramble
that is actually not that sad of a ramble.

though i've been having dreams that are really symbolic of my unenthusiasm for basic experiences in life.
and i'm having difficulty with handing my essays in in time. i revise revise revise! but i'm actually improving.

i just want to know i can be a good person. i've felt like a bad girlfriend and a bad lover and a bad friend and an unclear person. i dunno. i hope to be a consistent person who can show how much they want things to go well by actually making them go well? more unclear writing.

still rambling.
now i'm not!

i was so happy today. i skipped like a kid and was almost hyperventilating. i felt happy like i did when i was a kid. i like to know there are still those parts in me!

dress up tomorrowz.
my life is so hard. oh gosh. such subtle pain. guys. (makes me think of corinne)

OMAHGAHHHHHH i get to hang out with laura tomorrow
that is so cool

she has a magical wiggly brain

krawww

mah name is sally and how do you not write a narcissistic blog?
music! music music music. is this one band this genre or this other genre?
politics! it all makes me angry. because of this logical reason.
did you know this famous person is coming into town today?
have you ever had a chocolate cake with zucchini to moisten it and cream cheese icing and recess pieces on top and peanut butter cups inside? it's real good.
my cousin hid in a tree hole marina's kid took a poop in earlier. hahaha, we weren't allowed to tell him.
i roasted sausages over an open fire today. usually i don't like meat, but this seemed different! and it was. watching the meat be cooked, the white bubbling fat dripping off as the sausages charred and the amazing rich salty smell. until the sausage was brown and crispy and the drippings were clear- we ate them wrapped up in pieces of my dad's home made bread. I had beer and apple juice as well. we sat on logs and our bums got cold. my relatives talked about music they liked in high school- i talked about differences in places i've been. my aunt thought i was about to graduate college! the cat smokey ran ahead of us and its little paw prints showed 6 toe pads on each foot. on the way out of the woods where we had had our bonfire, dizzy from half a beer, filled with sausages and cake, i looked back and saw my family. my dad in his old vest and boots trodding along, the adventurous dirty blond kids stumbling on sticks and earth and over the snow. patches of orange red forest ground and flattened long grass were now under my feet and ahead were overgrown farm fields, broken wooden fences, rolling land, the barn, my dad's house. a plane was going overhead making a warm swelling of sound and the sun hit me and it was beautiful. the forest behind was clear to see my family through, the scrub still wintery. :] I hadn't felt like my family was with me for a bit and.. this was really cool and nice. It reminded me of a kid's storybook my dad would have read me.
When they got home tonight from their church supper, dad helped me with lolita for a while. he likes to mostly subsist on homemade buns and butter or his oat cookies. his giardia allows him to do this, though it's slowly being fought off from the time he drank in an infected river. until then, he can live this high life of friendly poopage and high carbage. :D
I read to maeve tonight, and actually got into the voices a little and paced it slower and had some conversations about the story and realized it's not something you power through and think about after like i do with my books, it's like, an experience maaaan.
and yes.
also it is very annoying to have kid's books lecture you about good life habits and stuff. not really a rad bedtime story. want stories of awesome adventures, whether in reality or not- it's not like you learn stuff like that without doing it yourself anyhow.
i'm glad kid's tv was so super weird when we were kids. those weirder cartoons didn't assume kids were idiots or use fill in the blank plotlines as much.
i don't talk about all of the good things in life very often!
oops sort of self centered. more pleasant though.
where do you guys plan to travel one day? do any of you plan to take a year off during school or do you feel confident you know what you want out of school right now?

blahblahblah

dear everyone ever who ever existed ever and what notttttt
this house is cold
i have a sweater on and then a sweatshirt and then another sweater
and i'm listening to crystal castles and they're pretty sad people "how do you feel when ya can't feel nothing?" or "just because we don't feel flesh doesn't mean we don't fear death"
mewoowow myahhh
okay
so yesterday i picked back up on "The Summer of Naked Swim Parties" which my mom gave me last summer. I assumed it would be a boring chick lit read, but it was really cool. I finished it today. It was about a girl with nudist pothead parents. they're always trying to find something different to enhance themselves with. they're competitive with those around them in making sure to enjoy things that aren't white man sports, etc. But yeah. She goes to therapy with her family at one point, and every other family there is super duper fucked up. There's a little kid who's adopted name is tugboat, and everyone is super into talkin' about his masturbation. and there's an 8 year old girl breast feeding and the main character jamie gets molested by this crazy ass 15 year old girl who is the therapist's daughter. it made me think about how counterproductive it can be when everyone who is super fucked up joins together to figure out how to make things better. When you think about it, their fuck-up-edness isn't going to pull a double negative and cancel everything out and make them all understand how to act appropriately. It's more like... something psychologically poisonous happened once and now generations that succeed must decide whether to embody the fuckupedness and continue to perpetuate it and the cycle, or if they're going to try and escape to new surroundings and not be as indoctrinated with family fuckupedness. And some people might even choose to love their family, but work through the fuckupedness so that one day when it tries to come bubbling out when they are living their own life, they will know themselves well enough to change how they would naturally react into something that will cleanse the fucked up behaviours.
ramble ramble.
so i think about the whole, diluting disfunction thing a lot because of my family and the disfunction that has diluted through the generations.
i got off the bus yesterday to spend time at my dad's after reading those crazy californian nudist shenanigans, and in the car was feeling like i couldn't keep up my normal, "don't let the fuck-upedness out" barriers. I tried to just not talk. I tried to talk about him. I told myself how annoying I was to always need to talk about intense things. To tax others in this way makes me feel like a real leechy prick chick.
The desire not to tax people anymore is part of why I feel weird and alone in Sackville, even when I'm surrounded by people I've become friends with. I don't know what importance my past holds and my concerns hold. I don't know why I should shove my problems in someone else's face. I left Bellingham because I wanted to try and be normal. I really didn't want to be part of the dilution chain of disfunction when I planned to have a kid some day. I don't want to feel like I'm just putting shit into the world. I don't want to feel like I am a source of confusion. What if some day I'm the one someone has to talk to someone else about? What if I make the fucked up tangles someone else has to work out of their mind so they can be happier? I really want to be normal. I've wanted to feel like a healthy influence for the longest time. I usually feel like a psychological plague. This is an example of reciprocal altruism I guess: I thus always seem to want to talk to people about their problems and philosophy. Not only does it help me sort out my shit, it helps me feel like I can have a positive mark for once. So usually though, I try and be quiet. I don't do it well. I feel bad for not doing it well. I feel bad that I end up hinting at my own anxieties and unhappiness anyhow. But part of those anxieties and unhappiness also come because not a lot of people seem to realize when I slip into an introspection I really should talk about, but need permission to continue with so I don't feel like a total emotionally draining twerp. Either they don't notice I'm proposing something, or they don't think it's in their place to pursue the proposal of a more intimate conversation. Or, they don't want to. Or they just aren't up to it. And these are okay things, you know? This is why I propose the talks subtlely, I don't want to tax anyone. I got taxed a lot when I was younger, my mom would tell me her marital concerns, financial concerns, weird history, I don't know. Some raw stuff I shouldn't have known. Not being able to talk about personal things all the time has helped me to act like a more stable person sometimes I guess. I feel like I understand, at least, the ideal I'm working towards. I can see all of these people who've lived in one place their whole life. Who aren't using drugs to escape, who weren't put in too many weird situations as a kid. Back home in Bellingham, I would be a more stable fixture within my friend group, since a lot of them had gone through much weird stuff. I came here and suddenly felt like the mess.
So I don't know. I'm getting more male friends. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I don't feel like there's anyone I can trust with exposing my burdens to. I think this is normal. I think a lot of people feel this way.
Right now, I'm unsure of where my home is, or what my ideal is for who I want be. I can only appear less whiny for so long. I can only appear serene for so long when I'm worried about who I need to become to not dump more fucking emotional waste into the psyche's I'll interact with. I feel like the anxiousness continues to bubble inside.
My grandmother possibly had some brain damage. She had head trauma during birth and a couple car accidents. She was left alone to tend to her siblings like a mother, and doesn't talk to her other siblings much anymore. She had to eat nerve meats when she was younger, which can cause weird stuff to happen. Anyhow. So. All of her kids are cool but kind of still feeling the brunt of fuck-upedness in things they do. They burned farms, got prison tats, became evangelical christians, etc. etc. Or there are subtle ways their skewed views of reality would emerge. A parallel has recently been drawn between the way my uncle and mother immediately jump to fears of divorce during a marital argument- it's like they just know that things have to fuck up. I mean, they always did in their household growing up. My mother really took away a lot of bullshit from my childhood that she had to face in hers. She diluted it, but some of it still seeps through. I got her anxiety, for a while her eating disorders and I think I still have her insecurity and frustration and cynicism and love of metaphors and poodles. Anyhow. I don't want to put some of that shit that seeped through my momma into my kid. How do I stop that some day? How do I stop myself from trapping myself with shit I think I want that kind of helps to make my life the way I unconsciously have expected it to be from weird things I was taught as a kid? How can I learn to change innate impulses and. nyah. I don't know.
All the shit I sometimes want to talk about, am I a fool for thinking I can talk it out of myself? Is it instead an affection engrained in my personality, to make problems? Can I figure myself out like a little logical word puzzle or a story character?
I think my dad is a huge difference that my mother didn't have growing up. My dad really paid attention to me for a while, and gave me a great upbringing for a while. And after that wasn't too bad at all, he just stopped being present.
So back to getting in the car off of the bus with my dad after reading this book... suddenly I realized how I wasn't going to be able to ignore the hurt I felt much longer of all the times he left. About a month ago I had a dream where the gardens around my house died. My dad was supposed to be taking care of them. My mother's role was kind of to show off the garden, to make it accessible. My dad being a large amount of the magic from my childhood, entering and exiting the scenes as he wished but he really was the sun I tilted to. Sorry for shitty metaphors.
So eventually in this car with my dad, I got over my anger that I couldn't be calm and accommodating for others, that I couldn't keep out of their emotional space. I told him I couldn't just forget all of the times I had really needed him and he hadn't been there. That there were so many times it was like he abandoned me and I wasn't allowed to feel emotional about it. I had gone through so much stuff without an emotionally stable person to help me. My friends loved me, but were going through really similar situations themselves. There were not people in the community I could go to, since I had moved so often. My mother cared. She really cared. She just also couldn't help me/talk to me since she had a lot of the same problems as a kid that she never totally dealt with. I don't know. I had, for a long time, not told my dad just because I needed his guidance so badly whenever he was around and didn't want to drive him away. I finally told him how crazy him entering and leaving mah life had been. And then I even told him about my plans, to be someone who neutralizes fuck-upedness. I want to be someone who can help others realize that what happened in the past doesn't need to affect the present. I think partially because that idea's been so important for me. I still feel guilty about being a dramatic person. But I think I first realized how important that is by oggling my friend Andrea's attitude in 9th grade. :D She would totally appreciate things like cherry blossoms and coffees and the sea and the sky!
I am kind of redundant.
The author lady of the book I just read had this story in the back about how in the 70s, she applied to be a flight attendant and had to answer questions about the colour of her vaginal discharge and fit a certain height to weight body ratio they would be routinely tested on with a scale- if you went over their ratio, they wouldn't hire you. Can you believe how long it took to get some respeks up in here? Isn't that cool that stuff doesn't suck so hard normally? That reminds me of this one story my momma told me about taking a job placement test in school. She got nurse or something I think. And she said... it says I'm in the 98th percentile for 3D rotation knowledge, what does that mean? And the lady said, well that's not included in the criteria for the girl's test. And my momma said, can you run that through like I was a boy? And she got architect as her recommended job.
I've got to call my mom to get a ride with her out of the valley tomorrow, cause she's sleeping in the valley tonight too but goes home to where my bus leaves out of. Anyways. My dad just said, "Your mum really loves you, you know that?" I do. I feel bad I don't praise her that often or anything. I think partially I don't have a crazy intense relationship with her because I can take her for granted since I'm always welcome where she is. I don't know. I feel like a teen buttface in that regard.
I am listening to the cousins. They're a super awesome band. I'm running through the album for the second time tonight.
I am glad my dad gets to be a dad to Marina's kids. He is so good at it when he's around. And I think he's less likely to leave this time.
I should be thankful there's so much I even care enough about to miss, you know? I know some people's dads who don't make eye contact or communicate even in the same room as their kids. What fresh hell is that if their excuse can't be being the only breadmaker?
I freak out about how to be a good person in a relationship. I'm so sure there's something I'm missing that's going to fuck stuff up. Do a lot of people go into relationships hoping to make them work for as long as possible? Have ever gotten into something knowing it won't go anywhere? Are we supposed to only do that if we're sure of our convictions? Do you believe happy long term things can happen? I want to but really kind of assume they'll take a weird turn and fizz out with me being involved. So dang. I guess I just kind of absorb every moment individually, as a separate entity to either immortalize in the happy part of my memories or try and learn from. Is that kinda detatched? I don't like that I analyze as much as I do.
This is a long ass post.
I think I'm going to be an art therapist. Should I not be a therapist? Who is appropriate for that job? My friend in 9th grade had a therapist mom who smoked pot constantly and was kind of emotionally abusive or just not present.
The dog let a really rank fart. So toxic. Not in a sexy way.
My dad has amazing gin called Hendricks. It's got roses and stuff in it.
"The world is full of nice people"- my dad right now talking to himself in the kitchen.
Hope I can get a job for the summar.
I want to learn how to suuuuurf.

hi! hi. hi

My name is sally. I am a girl. I mean woman thing. I don't know.

So I don't know if I even need to do something like this, since I ramble a lot.

Buuuuuut here we go!

I'm sad. No reason, I just get sad a lot. Mornings, I'm usually feelin good feeling sad because I feel full being alone. But then I talk to people, that makes me full of energy and ideas and I want to plan lots of things, and then near the end of the day I get depressed again, kind of like. Oh. I put so much energy in to today but there wasn't really a point and no one really gets me. It's all quite teenage. I can't explain how I feel because I don't really think it's too monumental one way or another. I just keep feeling, chemically low. I don't know. It's something where I just wish I could walk into a friend's house and just sleep in their bed so I wouldn't feel alone and wouldn't have to try. It makes me want to smell people, and I feel hostile to strangers/anyone when I walk by.

Poopy, but not special. I think everyone feels like that.

I really worry a lot about keeping in favour with people. Like, apologetic. I feel like if I didn't do anything or come out of my room, no one would give a damn enough to come get me out. It's so teeeeeeeeenage but oh well. It's really mopey. Sometimes I want to be with someone again, but then I think about how bad it's been when I've forced it. I'm terrified of actually liking someone too, because I lose a lot of myself when that happens. I should just stay away. I think these feelings are typical too. I try not to do much of anything when I get into my phases at night where I'm sad to the point of feeling like my insides are melting. Because I know it'll be better an hour after I wake up, and that it's not a huge deal. And I just make a whiny mess with other people around. Um.

Well this isn't very coherent. I don't feel very coherent. I'm not very sure what type of a person I'm trying to emulate right now since ... I dunno. Anyhow. I make myself angry with how often I think about my own vague problems. Fun tiiiiiimes. Especially cause I know that no one can talk to me to make me feel better. I think I just kind of. Need cuddles or something. Or sunshine. Can't keep mind on school, scared of the summer. I'll have to support myself in Bellingham. And I'll be going on a potential road trip with my dad to Kentucky. Any car trip with my dad is kind of weirdly emotional. When I was a kid, we used to drive around in the sun all day and I'd be in a sun dress and we'd get grape soda and we'd go inner tubing or what have you. Maybe see space jams. There was an area behind a grocery store... Magic Mart? where there was this stream down the hill and we'd climb along side it. I said it was my natural home and that my home with the family was temporary and my dad thought that was pretty chill and such.

Anyhow, the last car trip I had with him that lasted more than a day was to California. It was kind of a goodbye trip because he thought he was moving to live with Polly. I took Isabelle because I didn't want to have to focus on him. I didn't really pay attention to either of them. The time before that that we had a car trip, we were with Polly's family going to California. My mom was paying and my dad was havin' sex with Polly behind our backs. We went around California looking for sun because Polly's kids wanted tans.

This is real rambly.

Polly's husband is really tolerant. One time he asked me if I had any friends other than Valeri and I listed off fake people, cause I was in middle school.

I dunnooooo

So car trip coming up

But I'm not a kid anymore and I doubt any bonding will happen

And I kind of wish I could just have a lil' house to rent and a job

And take a few classes

And that it was sunny.

That I could pay for myself. That would be so coooooooooooool

kaybye