So I don't know if I even need to do something like this, since I ramble a lot.
Buuuuuut here we go!
I'm sad. No reason, I just get sad a lot. Mornings, I'm usually feelin good feeling sad because I feel full being alone. But then I talk to people, that makes me full of energy and ideas and I want to plan lots of things, and then near the end of the day I get depressed again, kind of like. Oh. I put so much energy in to today but there wasn't really a point and no one really gets me. It's all quite teenage. I can't explain how I feel because I don't really think it's too monumental one way or another. I just keep feeling, chemically low. I don't know. It's something where I just wish I could walk into a friend's house and just sleep in their bed so I wouldn't feel alone and wouldn't have to try. It makes me want to smell people, and I feel hostile to strangers/anyone when I walk by.
Poopy, but not special. I think everyone feels like that.
I really worry a lot about keeping in favour with people. Like, apologetic. I feel like if I didn't do anything or come out of my room, no one would give a damn enough to come get me out. It's so teeeeeeeeenage but oh well. It's really mopey. Sometimes I want to be with someone again, but then I think about how bad it's been when I've forced it. I'm terrified of actually liking someone too, because I lose a lot of myself when that happens. I should just stay away. I think these feelings are typical too. I try not to do much of anything when I get into my phases at night where I'm sad to the point of feeling like my insides are melting. Because I know it'll be better an hour after I wake up, and that it's not a huge deal. And I just make a whiny mess with other people around. Um.
Well this isn't very coherent. I don't feel very coherent. I'm not very sure what type of a person I'm trying to emulate right now since ... I dunno. Anyhow. I make myself angry with how often I think about my own vague problems. Fun tiiiiiimes. Especially cause I know that no one can talk to me to make me feel better. I think I just kind of. Need cuddles or something. Or sunshine. Can't keep mind on school, scared of the summer. I'll have to support myself in Bellingham. And I'll be going on a potential road trip with my dad to Kentucky. Any car trip with my dad is kind of weirdly emotional. When I was a kid, we used to drive around in the sun all day and I'd be in a sun dress and we'd get grape soda and we'd go inner tubing or what have you. Maybe see space jams. There was an area behind a grocery store... Magic Mart? where there was this stream down the hill and we'd climb along side it. I said it was my natural home and that my home with the family was temporary and my dad thought that was pretty chill and such.
Anyhow, the last car trip I had with him that lasted more than a day was to California. It was kind of a goodbye trip because he thought he was moving to live with Polly. I took Isabelle because I didn't want to have to focus on him. I didn't really pay attention to either of them. The time before that that we had a car trip, we were with Polly's family going to California. My mom was paying and my dad was havin' sex with Polly behind our backs. We went around California looking for sun because Polly's kids wanted tans.
This is real rambly.
Polly's husband is really tolerant. One time he asked me if I had any friends other than Valeri and I listed off fake people, cause I was in middle school.
I dunnooooo
So car trip coming up
But I'm not a kid anymore and I doubt any bonding will happen
And I kind of wish I could just have a lil' house to rent and a job
And take a few classes
And that it was sunny.
That I could pay for myself. That would be so coooooooooooool
kaybye
if you were here i'd cuddle with you!
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