I’m missing out on a lot of fuck shit up culture.
That culture’s got a certain time limit before I get too old for it.
…I hope I’m not already too old for it.
Oh no.
D:
… i want?
i want to fuck shit up
usually i find it difficult to hang out with people who want to fuck shit up
because i want to take care of them instead of join in.
hhhhhhumph
or because they’re boring.
welp
um
let’s start a gang
that is somehow emotionally wise
and interesting
and we’ll wear creative outfits
and eat lots of candy
and oh no.
that’s an art student isn’t it?
i don’t care.
cause we'll be soooo drunk
and sooo outside
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Fashion Sociology!
An exciting new substudy!
Do you know how interesting it is that in Japan you can buy little girl clothes in women sizes that have no sexuality injected into them? Just smothered in ruffles and the most stuffy patterns.
INNOCENT WORLD
I read an article hypothesizing that Lolita was a way that Japanese women were making themselves so useless via intricate fashions on purpose so that it was difficult for them to even tie their own shoes and shit? And there was this hypothesis that it had to do with how overworked and unappreciated women were. Also it apparently could be a side effect of extreme social gender divides. I seriously have so little knowledge into japan, the Lolita fashion thing has fascinating connotations.
Is it women not wanting to grow up?
Rejecting responsibilities that have brought them little social reward or benefit?
Are ladies wanting their needs considered?
Are they oppressing themselves?
wat?
Some peeps say that it could be a reaction to an oversexualized obscene pop culture too.
OR
is there something strange that women here dress up as little girls with sexuality injected into it? via lil bo peep costumes and shit with garters etc.
are women here doing it for sexual reasons/fighting the worthlessness they feel from their sexual aging or something?
Or am I being wack saying ladies are doing it for men here or sex or something?
Maybe this has to do with Western cultures seeing sexuality as a huge source of empowerment
Or maybe this is the closest we ladiez feel we can get to childhood in our culture that would make lots of fun of us if we weren't being sexy while dressing like a kid cause we can only feel okay to weird shit if it's a little sexy
but that really limits our options on weird shit guys. like i think that's why bjork gets so much shit, cause she doesn't inject sex or power into her shit all the time except in this pretty honest honest manner
maybe we're more pedophillic than japan, or maybe japan is a step ahead of us and soon we'll get rid of the tits and want the little bo peeps to look as flat chested and respectable as a lolita?
WUT?
am i seeing too much sex in this? all i seem to keep coming back to is that it's a regressing out of puberty. but there are a lot of social implications to wanting to be a kid.
is it women who don't feel like they get to have fun
is it women who can't figure out how women could be treasured without their innocence?
is it women who are like, fuck this shit, i want people to take care of me
doooes it have to do with a lack of father figures
FREUDIAN?????
(btw this song is awesome: Gucci Mane ft. Drug Rug - Pillz Team Teamwork)
Is it weird in our culture that mature respectable women are sexless and sexy at the same time?
this gets into so much analysis of women's place in culture and stuff
and this gets into if this is feminism or the opposite or really has nothing to do with gaining or getting rid of power
AHHH
SO INTERESTING
are people there depressed
are we fucked up
what
are women more of sex objects here or there
this also gets into a regression desire of the whole culture of japan
and our western impulses to regress
and how they differ
and why
why do people want to regress?
is it because of the instability of work and society and the environment and stuff
maybe that it hurts too much to have to have so many unsolvable problems and useless responsibilities
whooooo knows
i don't
but i know this would be a really fun thesis
it would wrap and wrap and wrap
in nets
is lolita fashion a desire not to be a woman as it means more abuse and less safety
oh gosh.
oh gosh.
fashion psychology
you could get into....
lots of stuff
the recent desire for shoulderpads coming back
backwards baseball caps?
i dunno.
neeeerggg
on an unrelated note
ALICE GLASS IS SO COOOL UHHHHHHH
Actually you need to listen to this whole 8tracks too. I love it. so much.
amazing. do it. perfect hip hop.
also it's so interesting the stuffy lolita on older women is like, the opposite of the other type of lolita in japan.
i guess that lolita does exist in japan, either with busty women dressed like little girls or little girls sexualized in school outfits and stuff.
so.
i guess that exists there.
but...
we definitely don't have the older woman doing the stuffy lolita.
good night
i have no idea what anything means.
Do you know how interesting it is that in Japan you can buy little girl clothes in women sizes that have no sexuality injected into them? Just smothered in ruffles and the most stuffy patterns.
INNOCENT WORLD
I read an article hypothesizing that Lolita was a way that Japanese women were making themselves so useless via intricate fashions on purpose so that it was difficult for them to even tie their own shoes and shit? And there was this hypothesis that it had to do with how overworked and unappreciated women were. Also it apparently could be a side effect of extreme social gender divides. I seriously have so little knowledge into japan, the Lolita fashion thing has fascinating connotations.
Is it women not wanting to grow up?
Rejecting responsibilities that have brought them little social reward or benefit?
Are ladies wanting their needs considered?
Are they oppressing themselves?
wat?
Some peeps say that it could be a reaction to an oversexualized obscene pop culture too.
OR
is there something strange that women here dress up as little girls with sexuality injected into it? via lil bo peep costumes and shit with garters etc.
are women here doing it for sexual reasons/fighting the worthlessness they feel from their sexual aging or something?
Or am I being wack saying ladies are doing it for men here or sex or something?
Maybe this has to do with Western cultures seeing sexuality as a huge source of empowerment
Or maybe this is the closest we ladiez feel we can get to childhood in our culture that would make lots of fun of us if we weren't being sexy while dressing like a kid cause we can only feel okay to weird shit if it's a little sexy
but that really limits our options on weird shit guys. like i think that's why bjork gets so much shit, cause she doesn't inject sex or power into her shit all the time except in this pretty honest honest manner
maybe we're more pedophillic than japan, or maybe japan is a step ahead of us and soon we'll get rid of the tits and want the little bo peeps to look as flat chested and respectable as a lolita?
WUT?
am i seeing too much sex in this? all i seem to keep coming back to is that it's a regressing out of puberty. but there are a lot of social implications to wanting to be a kid.
is it women who don't feel like they get to have fun
is it women who can't figure out how women could be treasured without their innocence?
is it women who are like, fuck this shit, i want people to take care of me
doooes it have to do with a lack of father figures
FREUDIAN?????
(btw this song is awesome: Gucci Mane ft. Drug Rug - Pillz Team Teamwork)
Is it weird in our culture that mature respectable women are sexless and sexy at the same time?
this gets into so much analysis of women's place in culture and stuff
and this gets into if this is feminism or the opposite or really has nothing to do with gaining or getting rid of power
AHHH
SO INTERESTING
are people there depressed
are we fucked up
what
are women more of sex objects here or there
this also gets into a regression desire of the whole culture of japan
and our western impulses to regress
and how they differ
and why
why do people want to regress?
is it because of the instability of work and society and the environment and stuff
maybe that it hurts too much to have to have so many unsolvable problems and useless responsibilities
whooooo knows
i don't
but i know this would be a really fun thesis
it would wrap and wrap and wrap
in nets
is lolita fashion a desire not to be a woman as it means more abuse and less safety
oh gosh.
oh gosh.
fashion psychology
you could get into....
lots of stuff
the recent desire for shoulderpads coming back
backwards baseball caps?
i dunno.
neeeerggg
on an unrelated note
ALICE GLASS IS SO COOOL UHHHHHHH
Actually you need to listen to this whole 8tracks too. I love it. so much.
amazing. do it. perfect hip hop.
also it's so interesting the stuffy lolita on older women is like, the opposite of the other type of lolita in japan.
i guess that lolita does exist in japan, either with busty women dressed like little girls or little girls sexualized in school outfits and stuff.
so.
i guess that exists there.
but...
we definitely don't have the older woman doing the stuffy lolita.
good night
i have no idea what anything means.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
dwindling confidence!
I keep wondering if I have a learning disability or if I'm just set on failing. I've always been awful at essays and writing. I didn't know when I signed up for sociology and anthro this summer that I'd be doing essays. I don't know why, I just assumed I wouldn't be doing any. I got D's so often in my last english class... I'm not sure why I felt like I could do the english course anyway. I don't learn things when people try to teach me how to write. Even if they make it as clear as possible, I know I'll fuck it up SO ROYALLY. It's terribly embarrassing, getting people I know to proofread the papers I write. I feel like I'm divulging to them for the first time how dim I am under the social exterior. Or at least how poorly I understand tasks and carry them out. It's really humiliating. I feel so, so, so sos ososo so so so stupid.
I seriously couldn't write a good essay if I took a whole course to work on it.
I seriously couldn't write a good essay if I took a whole course to work on it.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
moop
secret to not looking crazy
don't accessorize if you're wearing something risky for you
i guess
also don't feel like you need to justify being somewhere on your own by being occupied. that is pretty obvious though
sometimes i feel like i think the dumbest things
sometimes i think i'll never be happy since my head never shuts up
i've learned how to not agonize about past stuff far more than ever
like i only did a weird blog about 8th grade since i got over it finally
because i guess i've just learned more so how to not freak out
i still freak out too much
but it's more managable now
and it's mostly just stuff since last september
much more tolerable
i have strange memories sometimes
like when i picked up bri like a baby and she cried so much into my sweater that it was soaked
or when i cried so hard about leaving in a back room
or when i remorsed leaving the first night in canada in a hotel room when i realized i hadn't said goodbye to isabelle
and mom was just shit talkin at me
and i dunno
i was so confused about why i had chosen to move
and it was feeling so irreversible
and i was realizing how much i identified myself from my intense friendships with everyone in bellingham.
i saw a smart car in truro for sale
it gets 75 mpg
and it's 11000 bucks
i really want the thing
but i sure don't have that money.
it just sounds like a roadtrip machine though
i'm sure it's insanely cramped though
a 2 person car
i miss car trips
i miss those teenage getaways with great music
i miss having such close friends i could pile them all in a car and we'd all feel that amazing feeling
of being with the people you want to be with most in the moment
relishing your cigarettes
feeling the music totally
and just
the trip being the end in itself
i really don't feel like i've made that crazy connection with many people here
some are great friends
but it's not that weird thing
where you feel like you can do little wrong by them
like you're sharing a goddang soul
i haven't been here for long though
and i don't know if it's healthy to have friendships that strong
they also invoke so much
obligation and guilt and stress
such a poop
is what i am
1. My [last] ex is... someone i feel like i wronged
2. I should learn to... feel the worth of my own observations of cool things in life instead of always trying to share it and wasting time instead
3. I love... feeling the beauty of quiet things
4. People would say that I am... retarded.
5. I don't understand... how to manage my time well.
6. When I wake up in the morning... I already feel like I've spoiled the day's perfect plans.
7. I lost... many versions of myself and I think it'll be for the best right now.
8. Life is... anything you want.
9. My past taught me... to lighten up.
10. I get annoyed when... I feel like I can't escape myself.
11. Parties... are the best when they're with people who aren't just looking for escape but connections and new chances and new understandings and celebration and such.
I don't think I'm usually a party person.
Though sometimes I love dancing sooo much.
12. I wish... I could feel comfortable on my own again.
13. Dogs and cats... are strange inventions.
14. My childhood pets... are fondly and intensely cherished forever if they are poodles.
15. Tomorrow is... already fucked up by my lack of direction.
16. I have a low tolerance for... children and needy cats and guitar hero parties.
17. If I had a million dollars.. I'd hoard it and pretend I didn't have it. And relax more about school.
18. I'm terrified of... childbirth and how I'll write off right now later!
19. I've come to realize... I have some nuts mood swings.
20. I am listening to... Country on a radio station in the kitchen i guess.
21. I talk... too much.
22. My good friends... aren't always the easiest to see.
23. My first kiss... was filled with embarrassment and PDA
24. Love is... becoming half as functional.
25. Marriage is... something pretty to break down later.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about anal.
27. I'll always be... jenny from the block.
28. The last time I really cried was... feeling sexually frustrated and hopeless.
29. My cell phone is... nice but sometimes a weakening factor for my character.
30. Before I go to bed... I ask myself if there's a pretty song I'd like to hear while I relax in bed./ if I'm awake enough for that. If I'm not awake enough for that I think, excellent, let's get to this sleeping business.
31. My middle name... is fucking.
32. Right now, I am thinking... about baby kittens.
33. Today I... harassed chris for 12 hours.
34. Tomorrow I will be... trying not to harass chris or get intimidated by anthro.
35. I really want to... make a good dent in anthro and not mess up my gpa anymore. Also I really want to depend on myself more because I'm disliking myself right now.
38. My relationship with my grandparents... is tense, they've been deteriorating for a while, one of them is deceased now. Sometimes they feel like cautionary tales since they never turned very wise with age.
39. My most treasured possession is... my music library.
40. My favorite pictures... are of the 2009 new years!
41. I sing... rarely since I'm usually in earshot and am self conscious. i sing half assedly a lot though.
42. If I were a crayon... I'd have had my paper torn off and i'd be the colour blue lizzy used to paint her walls and hopefully i'd be shading faces in an emotional manner
43. Someday I want to travel to... mexico.
44. I am wearing... a dress that i've half taken off since it has a minute waistline. and high heels. dumbassery @ its finest
45. My favorite class... always my studio class. <3 <3
always.
it's the reason i like university.
...
revelation.
well.
hm.
i should...
do less psych.
46. My favorite language is... mine. it works for me.
47. It hurts... when people order you to stop hurting about those defining hurts you don't know how to drop yet.
48. I'm going to miss... the trances i put myself in when i was younger.
49. My profile picture is... angst? or sexual fridge.
50. I need... direction.
don't accessorize if you're wearing something risky for you
i guess
also don't feel like you need to justify being somewhere on your own by being occupied. that is pretty obvious though
sometimes i feel like i think the dumbest things
sometimes i think i'll never be happy since my head never shuts up
i've learned how to not agonize about past stuff far more than ever
like i only did a weird blog about 8th grade since i got over it finally
because i guess i've just learned more so how to not freak out
i still freak out too much
but it's more managable now
and it's mostly just stuff since last september
much more tolerable
i have strange memories sometimes
like when i picked up bri like a baby and she cried so much into my sweater that it was soaked
or when i cried so hard about leaving in a back room
or when i remorsed leaving the first night in canada in a hotel room when i realized i hadn't said goodbye to isabelle
and mom was just shit talkin at me
and i dunno
i was so confused about why i had chosen to move
and it was feeling so irreversible
and i was realizing how much i identified myself from my intense friendships with everyone in bellingham.
i saw a smart car in truro for sale
it gets 75 mpg
and it's 11000 bucks
i really want the thing
but i sure don't have that money.
it just sounds like a roadtrip machine though
i'm sure it's insanely cramped though
a 2 person car
i miss car trips
i miss those teenage getaways with great music
i miss having such close friends i could pile them all in a car and we'd all feel that amazing feeling
of being with the people you want to be with most in the moment
relishing your cigarettes
feeling the music totally
and just
the trip being the end in itself
i really don't feel like i've made that crazy connection with many people here
some are great friends
but it's not that weird thing
where you feel like you can do little wrong by them
like you're sharing a goddang soul
i haven't been here for long though
and i don't know if it's healthy to have friendships that strong
they also invoke so much
obligation and guilt and stress
such a poop
is what i am
1. My [last] ex is... someone i feel like i wronged
2. I should learn to... feel the worth of my own observations of cool things in life instead of always trying to share it and wasting time instead
3. I love... feeling the beauty of quiet things
4. People would say that I am... retarded.
5. I don't understand... how to manage my time well.
6. When I wake up in the morning... I already feel like I've spoiled the day's perfect plans.
7. I lost... many versions of myself and I think it'll be for the best right now.
8. Life is... anything you want.
9. My past taught me... to lighten up.
10. I get annoyed when... I feel like I can't escape myself.
11. Parties... are the best when they're with people who aren't just looking for escape but connections and new chances and new understandings and celebration and such.
I don't think I'm usually a party person.
Though sometimes I love dancing sooo much.
12. I wish... I could feel comfortable on my own again.
13. Dogs and cats... are strange inventions.
14. My childhood pets... are fondly and intensely cherished forever if they are poodles.
15. Tomorrow is... already fucked up by my lack of direction.
16. I have a low tolerance for... children and needy cats and guitar hero parties.
17. If I had a million dollars.. I'd hoard it and pretend I didn't have it. And relax more about school.
18. I'm terrified of... childbirth and how I'll write off right now later!
19. I've come to realize... I have some nuts mood swings.
20. I am listening to... Country on a radio station in the kitchen i guess.
21. I talk... too much.
22. My good friends... aren't always the easiest to see.
23. My first kiss... was filled with embarrassment and PDA
24. Love is... becoming half as functional.
25. Marriage is... something pretty to break down later.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about anal.
27. I'll always be... jenny from the block.
28. The last time I really cried was... feeling sexually frustrated and hopeless.
29. My cell phone is... nice but sometimes a weakening factor for my character.
30. Before I go to bed... I ask myself if there's a pretty song I'd like to hear while I relax in bed./ if I'm awake enough for that. If I'm not awake enough for that I think, excellent, let's get to this sleeping business.
31. My middle name... is fucking.
32. Right now, I am thinking... about baby kittens.
33. Today I... harassed chris for 12 hours.
34. Tomorrow I will be... trying not to harass chris or get intimidated by anthro.
35. I really want to... make a good dent in anthro and not mess up my gpa anymore. Also I really want to depend on myself more because I'm disliking myself right now.
38. My relationship with my grandparents... is tense, they've been deteriorating for a while, one of them is deceased now. Sometimes they feel like cautionary tales since they never turned very wise with age.
39. My most treasured possession is... my music library.
40. My favorite pictures... are of the 2009 new years!
41. I sing... rarely since I'm usually in earshot and am self conscious. i sing half assedly a lot though.
42. If I were a crayon... I'd have had my paper torn off and i'd be the colour blue lizzy used to paint her walls and hopefully i'd be shading faces in an emotional manner
43. Someday I want to travel to... mexico.
44. I am wearing... a dress that i've half taken off since it has a minute waistline. and high heels. dumbassery @ its finest
45. My favorite class... always my studio class. <3 <3
always.
it's the reason i like university.
...
revelation.
well.
hm.
i should...
do less psych.
46. My favorite language is... mine. it works for me.
47. It hurts... when people order you to stop hurting about those defining hurts you don't know how to drop yet.
48. I'm going to miss... the trances i put myself in when i was younger.
49. My profile picture is... angst? or sexual fridge.
50. I need... direction.
fffffffooooooo
Hi.
I have a secret.
I WAS A REALLY REALLY AWFUL MIDDLE SCHOOLER
I was so bad at it
I was sooo socially inept
I
eh!
It all began in 6th grade with the invention of peanut
a sock filled with beans that I wrote stories about and carried around in a homemade purse
even to gym class
I had a really overactive imagination still
and got all my friends playing with dolls again and living in makeshift box houses in my basement
nourishing people with camping pots filled with kool aid
at least I was sort of okay.
Oh and I liked to talk like a squirrel and have squirrel fights and such.
And I hung out with a 7 year old and I think she bullied me.
Anyhow
not too bad.
But when I got to 7th grade
I wore matte makeup
and the same outfit every day
and made out with a pillow for practice
and was hella christian I guess
but thought I was gay
and one time wanted to impress my friends and put out a copy of a book called The Gothic Flame on my bed or something like that
never read it
played neopets
Still not too bad
had friends
moved to Bellingham
awkward person
chastized by boys for wearing short shorts
they were all like You're disgustinnnn
and I was like you are lame/ booohooooooo
and one time I was so crafty I wrote every cool band I could think of on a piece of paper and asked a cute boy to trade lines with me for a play so he could see my page full of cool "accidental" doodles
plucked a girl's eyebrows and chastized her for having the eyebrow shape she had
i was just getting really anxious about dumb things
had shoes that were tan suede platform sneakers.
people called them the loaves of bread
or the brick shoes
got new shoes for picture day
etnieeeeeeez
and the lady was like
this coupon isn't valid for half off until tomorrow
and i was like I DON'T CARE I'LL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS OTHERWISE
and then realized it was a group picture
and you couldn't see my feet
not so bad
moved to kulshan
got real awkward
tried to impress boys wearing mini john deer shirts and matte makeup
was so nervous too
made up ridiculous lies to impress my only good friend
i was like
i used to do erotic square dancing in kentucky.
shit was nuts.
didn't know whose leg was yours and shit
aka not true
listened to yeah yeah yeahs and death cab for cutie and jack johnson and the killers on my own
but only ever listened to afroman, snoop dogg, led zeppelin and acdc at school so i'd impress people
always had the weirdest ideal moments planned
like that when i got a pottery wheel a cute boy would come to my house and i'd be in a loose button up work shirt and have a casual loose bun and other dumb shit.
got a pink ipod mini from my dad and was all emotional about it because i was fallin outta good contact with my dad
and went through all this dumb shit to get a blue one so my friend wouldn't get mad at me for copying her
and held it against her silently
so weird
stopped eating a lot
on the first day at kulshan i left a purse on a counter with 40 dollars in it when i went to the bathroom cause i was so trusting
made friends with some dude in the principal's office waiting
and then realized he was there cause he stole my purse
i didn't get all my money back or nothin.
one time my dad brought a homeless person home and my mom woke me up to tell me the dude would probably slit my throat and to lock my door and i was like
THANKS I CAN'T LOCK MY DOOR
and then i slept with her and my dad slept in my bed
and she kept me up telling me she saw the dude come upstairs and that he was probably schizophrenic
and then i was like why are you saying this shit if we were in danger it would be best to comfort me and she was like
why would i liiiie to you sally
and then i slept in the minivan.
and then i tried to tell popular kids on the bus like it was just a wacky ass story
and they were like that's seriously fucked all around
and i was like
>:C
I was really into the messy bun
in which i would tuck all my hair from a ponytail into the back over and over again
until the back of my head was like a dread when i tried to take it out
i had an aim screenname kentuckybabe91
and a friend from kentucky asked why i came out of the room they had me stand naked in during truth or dare
and i was like IM NOT GHEY
and then i sobbed dramatically and ripped apart photos of us
i was
so effing tense
one time a guy was walking like hitler during gym class
and i went up to him and was like
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH YOU ARE SO OFFENSIVE I COULD DIE. MY GRANDFATHER WAS JEWISH AND NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO MAD AND YOU ARE SOOOO TERRIBLE
I actually had a crush on the kid
he ate lunch in the office cause he was so picked on
one time my brother picked me up from school playing rap music
and i felt really tense and was gawking at popular boys when i was getting driven by
and jimmy was like stop that
and i was like k jimmy.
and i learned a tiny social skill.
when i first got to the school i had a mudfight with three girls on the soccer field and didn't know that they fertilized with pig poop
it smelled aaaawful
and then later they were like
i got this thing at the salvation army
and i said, OMG, like, is that in the mall?
and they all went.
pehhhhh.
and we nevar spoke again.
this epic move happened where girls i got along with at this table
slowly moved to the popular table
monica first
then katie
so it was me, val who i considered my best friend and the other bfffffffffs were gone
and then val was like.
ehhhyeah
i got invited over.
and then i didn't get invited over
and it was me and 2 of the three people i found annoying
always liked janelle though.
so effin awk
at the dance at the end of the year i was like
GUYS I GOT RID OF MY BACNE
and they were like
YAY
and then they were like
you have chestne
and i was like ;-;
i watched cartoons still
and one time could not stop myself from quoting a really awful jimmy neutron parents moment where the lights go off and the dad says "ohhhohooo honey your hands are cold"
best thing to say in the dark at a sleepover.
best thing ever.
nottttt
and the others said
that's creepy.
i didn't know what to do so i said it again.
stuff got hella tense when val was like,
sally, people are saying you're weird
and i was like :O WHOOOO
and she was like
perry.
and i was like
who is she/ OH DEAR GOD
and then she was like
brandon says that too.
and i was like le soooooobs
and then she was like
it is okay
we will fix this
you can buy polos.
pffffrtfffrftfrrrtffft
i just took everything waaay seriously
that summer i started listening to my chemical romance and mouthing the lyrics dramatically in a mirror
i had a list of things to buy
it was
eyeliner
lacey tank top
curling iron
mcr cd
cd player
and that's the summer i went on the cali trip with my dad, sister, brother and the adultress and her family. but i had no clue
I got hella into hot hot heat
and got time alone in yellowstone national park by curling up in a bear food metal box listening to hot hot heat with headphones
i totally thought i was gonna romance it up with the other family's son nick
who i did not know was named after my dad, haha
anyhow
so i always was hanging out near him pooching my face weird
and he'd be like
you have a beard made out of sand
cause i was trying a tea tree oil acne treatment
and then i went to high school
and i was quite darn preppy
one day i had aeropostale jeans and a pink hollister hoodie and pink flip flops and a pink water bottle and i got some bitchy chick saying awww she's so pink
and my head exploded probably
val hung out with volleyball people
and i agonized hardcore and lurked
and lurked so hard i was literally walking parallel to val and her friends with parked cars between us staring at them
and val was like, ehhhehehh you can come over here.
isabelle's the first good friend i think i had where i was comfortable with her
she was like half as socially awkward as me so we clicked and i think grounded each other a little bit and stuff.
i would do very dramatic photoshops
with so much layering of graphics and cursive text and stuff.
i think that was the basic end of awkwardness.
still crushed on girls so hardcoar
but didn't worry about it.
so there is most of my awkward secrets
they're not that bad?
not really
they're just loaded with tension.
can't believe that was only five years ago.
i learned so much stuuuuuffffffffffff
I have a secret.
I WAS A REALLY REALLY AWFUL MIDDLE SCHOOLER
I was so bad at it
I was sooo socially inept
I
eh!
It all began in 6th grade with the invention of peanut
a sock filled with beans that I wrote stories about and carried around in a homemade purse
even to gym class
I had a really overactive imagination still
and got all my friends playing with dolls again and living in makeshift box houses in my basement
nourishing people with camping pots filled with kool aid
at least I was sort of okay.
Oh and I liked to talk like a squirrel and have squirrel fights and such.
And I hung out with a 7 year old and I think she bullied me.
Anyhow
not too bad.
But when I got to 7th grade
I wore matte makeup
and the same outfit every day
and made out with a pillow for practice
and was hella christian I guess
but thought I was gay
and one time wanted to impress my friends and put out a copy of a book called The Gothic Flame on my bed or something like that
never read it
played neopets
Still not too bad
had friends
moved to Bellingham
awkward person
chastized by boys for wearing short shorts
they were all like You're disgustinnnn
and I was like you are lame/ booohooooooo
and one time I was so crafty I wrote every cool band I could think of on a piece of paper and asked a cute boy to trade lines with me for a play so he could see my page full of cool "accidental" doodles
plucked a girl's eyebrows and chastized her for having the eyebrow shape she had
i was just getting really anxious about dumb things
had shoes that were tan suede platform sneakers.
people called them the loaves of bread
or the brick shoes
got new shoes for picture day
etnieeeeeeez
and the lady was like
this coupon isn't valid for half off until tomorrow
and i was like I DON'T CARE I'LL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS OTHERWISE
and then realized it was a group picture
and you couldn't see my feet
not so bad
moved to kulshan
got real awkward
tried to impress boys wearing mini john deer shirts and matte makeup
was so nervous too
made up ridiculous lies to impress my only good friend
i was like
i used to do erotic square dancing in kentucky.
shit was nuts.
didn't know whose leg was yours and shit
aka not true
listened to yeah yeah yeahs and death cab for cutie and jack johnson and the killers on my own
but only ever listened to afroman, snoop dogg, led zeppelin and acdc at school so i'd impress people
always had the weirdest ideal moments planned
like that when i got a pottery wheel a cute boy would come to my house and i'd be in a loose button up work shirt and have a casual loose bun and other dumb shit.
got a pink ipod mini from my dad and was all emotional about it because i was fallin outta good contact with my dad
and went through all this dumb shit to get a blue one so my friend wouldn't get mad at me for copying her
and held it against her silently
so weird
stopped eating a lot
on the first day at kulshan i left a purse on a counter with 40 dollars in it when i went to the bathroom cause i was so trusting
made friends with some dude in the principal's office waiting
and then realized he was there cause he stole my purse
i didn't get all my money back or nothin.
one time my dad brought a homeless person home and my mom woke me up to tell me the dude would probably slit my throat and to lock my door and i was like
THANKS I CAN'T LOCK MY DOOR
and then i slept with her and my dad slept in my bed
and she kept me up telling me she saw the dude come upstairs and that he was probably schizophrenic
and then i was like why are you saying this shit if we were in danger it would be best to comfort me and she was like
why would i liiiie to you sally
and then i slept in the minivan.
and then i tried to tell popular kids on the bus like it was just a wacky ass story
and they were like that's seriously fucked all around
and i was like
>:C
I was really into the messy bun
in which i would tuck all my hair from a ponytail into the back over and over again
until the back of my head was like a dread when i tried to take it out
i had an aim screenname kentuckybabe91
and a friend from kentucky asked why i came out of the room they had me stand naked in during truth or dare
and i was like IM NOT GHEY
and then i sobbed dramatically and ripped apart photos of us
i was
so effing tense
one time a guy was walking like hitler during gym class
and i went up to him and was like
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH YOU ARE SO OFFENSIVE I COULD DIE. MY GRANDFATHER WAS JEWISH AND NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO MAD AND YOU ARE SOOOO TERRIBLE
I actually had a crush on the kid
he ate lunch in the office cause he was so picked on
one time my brother picked me up from school playing rap music
and i felt really tense and was gawking at popular boys when i was getting driven by
and jimmy was like stop that
and i was like k jimmy.
and i learned a tiny social skill.
when i first got to the school i had a mudfight with three girls on the soccer field and didn't know that they fertilized with pig poop
it smelled aaaawful
and then later they were like
i got this thing at the salvation army
and i said, OMG, like, is that in the mall?
and they all went.
pehhhhh.
and we nevar spoke again.
this epic move happened where girls i got along with at this table
slowly moved to the popular table
monica first
then katie
so it was me, val who i considered my best friend and the other bfffffffffs were gone
and then val was like.
ehhhyeah
i got invited over.
and then i didn't get invited over
and it was me and 2 of the three people i found annoying
always liked janelle though.
so effin awk
at the dance at the end of the year i was like
GUYS I GOT RID OF MY BACNE
and they were like
YAY
and then they were like
you have chestne
and i was like ;-;
i watched cartoons still
and one time could not stop myself from quoting a really awful jimmy neutron parents moment where the lights go off and the dad says "ohhhohooo honey your hands are cold"
best thing to say in the dark at a sleepover.
best thing ever.
nottttt
and the others said
that's creepy.
i didn't know what to do so i said it again.
stuff got hella tense when val was like,
sally, people are saying you're weird
and i was like :O WHOOOO
and she was like
perry.
and i was like
who is she/ OH DEAR GOD
and then she was like
brandon says that too.
and i was like le soooooobs
and then she was like
it is okay
we will fix this
you can buy polos.
pffffrtfffrftfrrrtffft
i just took everything waaay seriously
that summer i started listening to my chemical romance and mouthing the lyrics dramatically in a mirror
i had a list of things to buy
it was
eyeliner
lacey tank top
curling iron
mcr cd
cd player
and that's the summer i went on the cali trip with my dad, sister, brother and the adultress and her family. but i had no clue
I got hella into hot hot heat
and got time alone in yellowstone national park by curling up in a bear food metal box listening to hot hot heat with headphones
i totally thought i was gonna romance it up with the other family's son nick
who i did not know was named after my dad, haha
anyhow
so i always was hanging out near him pooching my face weird
and he'd be like
you have a beard made out of sand
cause i was trying a tea tree oil acne treatment
and then i went to high school
and i was quite darn preppy
one day i had aeropostale jeans and a pink hollister hoodie and pink flip flops and a pink water bottle and i got some bitchy chick saying awww she's so pink
and my head exploded probably
val hung out with volleyball people
and i agonized hardcore and lurked
and lurked so hard i was literally walking parallel to val and her friends with parked cars between us staring at them
and val was like, ehhhehehh you can come over here.
isabelle's the first good friend i think i had where i was comfortable with her
she was like half as socially awkward as me so we clicked and i think grounded each other a little bit and stuff.
i would do very dramatic photoshops
with so much layering of graphics and cursive text and stuff.
i think that was the basic end of awkwardness.
still crushed on girls so hardcoar
but didn't worry about it.
so there is most of my awkward secrets
they're not that bad?
not really
they're just loaded with tension.
can't believe that was only five years ago.
i learned so much stuuuuuffffffffffff
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