cough cough cough: my views on bein a single lady

So I am a single lady
MANY REASONS FOR THIS
include:
- scared of other people getting hurt by me
because everyone is very fragile and i might need to cut things off because it's getting to intense and they'll be sincere and not jaded and thus somehow i will make them jaded
- scared of someone else controlling me
not doing things because i want to but because i'm scared of someone else's emotional potential or want to be a good girlfriend or like them so much i stop being a person
- might affect my schoolwork
brain will turn into mush and i will end up getting addicted to the person or having my priorities change to the point where i only care about their smell or thinking about their bed etc.
- afraid of STDS
my momma trained me good.
basically i don't want them, they'll make me infertile and itchy and possibly dead. and no one gets tested, and everyone doesn't care and you can't test guys for a lot of random stuff
- don't really find anyone in Sackville particularly compelling.
for some reason no one here makes me feel nervous or excited or anything. i feel like i'm pushing it a little.
- scared of getting hurt myself
funny how i'm still scared from the months i lost like 2 years ago
- scared of losing my independence
i worked hard for my mental independence
- don't really like sex as much as i should
don't want to disappoint others/ be disappointed/ seem to go for awkward conservative guys in this regard and I'm also awkward/conservative. i don't have to focus on the fact i might be bad at sex permanently if i'm just not having it
- might lose the person as a friend
people can just shut off relationships in ways that friendships usually don't
- i'm too weird for anyone who would be good for me
yeah this one doesn't make sense
- if i stop trying, i win because i can't get any more frustrated
also doesn't make sense
- i can have more of a life this way
it's been a while since i felt like i SEIZED life or got inspired from being with a guy. it's been a while since i've sort of seen a guy as a role model. so i don't know. i usually feel like i'll just get more confused
- i don't really see there being a lot of fun involved
like what will i learn or what adventures will we have or where will we go etc. because i do that stuff on my own and usually with a guy end up nesting in some gross bed far too often also cutting out their contact with the world
- no one here terrifies me/fascinates me/ i don't get the urge to fix people as much anymore
this is probably good
- i have to change my taste in men but that would involve forcing which doesn't work, it has to happen naturally.
so i wait
- i am too cynical
i will just make the other person more cynical and be THAT girlfriend
blah
blah blah blah
a relationship where both of us really are attached to the other person sounds consuming and scary and like the end of life's essence in us
and shouldn't it do the opposite and spark life essence?
- romance is dead
basically
- people are insincere
including me
- i very easily stop seeing guys like people when i like them to somehow protect myself
- i can't be damned to try
- my emotions are more accessible and malleable and weak and bleedy everywhere- they're less tamable and i lose dignity or sense
- i have more friends without a boyfriend
- i don't want to be reminded of everything i lost again, everything i can't have now i'm not as trusting
booooooooooop

let's explain what i just said: