ugggggggggggg

fun fact:
i have pent up anger. it comes out in really retarded ways. i don't like being someone who spreads shittiness, so i try and keep it in. then as a result, i glare at the floor when strangers are near me sometimes or i do stupid shit like pounding on josee's roommate's door and ripping off the note she put there and waking up them inside and as a result, actually probably more messing with josee than them.
Urg.
i am so childish.
i feel really destructive in certain parts of me
I try and find ways to channel that energy usually.
a lot of my diary i actually keep physically is anger and frustration and anxiety
because those are things i try and keep in check
i'm trying to not be an asshole but i am naturally compelled to be one.
things written on my growing stomach right now:
- destructive
- deceptive
- blind
- dramatic
- scaredy cat (i am so mature...)
- irritating
- lethargic
- careless
- idiot
- angry fool
- whiny
- fucked
- self indugent
- self obsessed
- childish
- selfish
- bottled

ug. bottled anger for family members i've loved, anyone i've dated etc.
usually not friends.
i'm just.
neh. it's like a combination of a defense mechanism for pain
and a random venting of bottled up childish whines of "whywhywhy?" about random shit i can't even think of clearly at the moment, cause it's usually so random and old and irrelevant.

i walk sometimes like i want to hurt people. it's dumb.

i crash open doors

i yell dramatic stuff

i mutter hopeless things at good friends who don't need it

i curl up and ask for help from people i'll later have to turn away from to preserve myself

i am tired of me usually.

fun bloggggggggggggg

want to behave myself.
arg i am so retarded.